The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
9 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
You've set a heavy-duty stage to start off your story and I'm excited to see what happens along the journey. The good and the bad. But right now, I'm just trying to catch up what I've missed. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
  |
You've set a heavy-duty stage to start off your story and I'm excited to see what happens along the journey. The good and the bad. But right now, I'm just trying to catch up what I've missed. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
-
And I appreciate you taking the time. Thanks much.
Comment from elchupakabra
The voice was like no other Gangus had ever heard. It spoke like a gust of wind, yet the words were clear. It came from everywhere in the room, yet nowhere could he pinpoint its direction. (this sentence is a bit clunky at the end, needs to be reworked)
"Why should I believe you?"
The Oracle mentioned an incident that had taken place in Gangus' early life--something Gangus had never revealed to a living soul. (I mean, you wrote a whole chapter, don't leave me in the dark here, just throw in a little bit of dialogue about an early life incident, even something simple like 'you stole your brother's favorite toy, broke it and blamed the dog' - give me anything)
He found him to be quite peaceful-looking for a man with such an overwhelming presence. And, he was blind. (oh and by the way he was blind - that's how this reads, I would re-work this too like 'He appeared serene despite his crooked features and the hollow whites of his eyes that had long since gone blind.' or something)
I think you have a lot of editing to do but you're on the right track. I saw you promoted the third chapter but I had to come back to the first for context so here I am. See you on the next one. Later daze.
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
|
The voice was like no other Gangus had ever heard. It spoke like a gust of wind, yet the words were clear. It came from everywhere in the room, yet nowhere could he pinpoint its direction. (this sentence is a bit clunky at the end, needs to be reworked)
"Why should I believe you?"
The Oracle mentioned an incident that had taken place in Gangus' early life--something Gangus had never revealed to a living soul. (I mean, you wrote a whole chapter, don't leave me in the dark here, just throw in a little bit of dialogue about an early life incident, even something simple like 'you stole your brother's favorite toy, broke it and blamed the dog' - give me anything)
He found him to be quite peaceful-looking for a man with such an overwhelming presence. And, he was blind. (oh and by the way he was blind - that's how this reads, I would re-work this too like 'He appeared serene despite his crooked features and the hollow whites of his eyes that had long since gone blind.' or something)
I think you have a lot of editing to do but you're on the right track. I saw you promoted the third chapter but I had to come back to the first for context so here I am. See you on the next one. Later daze.
Comment Written 21-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
-
Thank you for your review. And sorry you were disappointed.
Comment from pharp
Amahra,
You are truly an exceptional writer. This is such an amazing story outlining many adventures to come. I love all the different and beautiful names you have chosen for the characters. The storyline is exciting and believable. Your work is detailed and very descriptive. I could picture in my mind just how tall and handsome Lord Gangus Abram is and could see the beauty in his wife, Lady Brehira.
Thanks for sharing this most enjoyable story.
Blessings...Portia
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
 |
Amahra,
You are truly an exceptional writer. This is such an amazing story outlining many adventures to come. I love all the different and beautiful names you have chosen for the characters. The storyline is exciting and believable. Your work is detailed and very descriptive. I could picture in my mind just how tall and handsome Lord Gangus Abram is and could see the beauty in his wife, Lady Brehira.
Thanks for sharing this most enjoyable story.
Blessings...Portia
Comment Written 17-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
-
Thank you so much Portia for taking the time to read my first chapter. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I so appreciate the compliment and the six-star rating. Blessings to you also.
Comment from padumachitta
hello
although this is a strange land and strange names, your characters are real and believable.
It is a skill to do this.
Keep writing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
|
hello
although this is a strange land and strange names, your characters are real and believable.
It is a skill to do this.
Keep writing and stay safe.
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
-
Thank you very much.
Comment from Audra J Perez
great work, no complaints this is honestly such a moving poem and id love to read more everyone on here is so talented, im truly moved by this, im not sure what more to add to be honest, keep it up!
reply by the author on 13-May-2021
|
great work, no complaints this is honestly such a moving poem and id love to read more everyone on here is so talented, im truly moved by this, im not sure what more to add to be honest, keep it up!
Comment Written 13-May-2021
reply by the author on 13-May-2021
-
Actually, it's a chapter in my book. But thank you just the same.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh, Amahra, I absolutely love this story. It stirs the imagination, and fills us with adventure.
I love the way you chose an older, seasoned warrior, who thought his life's work was over, just beginning. I think many can relate.
A positive on your story is that, while you've introduced unfamiliar names and lands, you still make your characters relate-able. Where some authors lose me is when everything is too foreign to be believable.
Great job, and good luck on the project,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
|
Oh, Amahra, I absolutely love this story. It stirs the imagination, and fills us with adventure.
I love the way you chose an older, seasoned warrior, who thought his life's work was over, just beginning. I think many can relate.
A positive on your story is that, while you've introduced unfamiliar names and lands, you still make your characters relate-able. Where some authors lose me is when everything is too foreign to be believable.
Great job, and good luck on the project,
Rhonda
Comment Written 12-May-2021
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
-
Thank you so much, Rhonda. While I love the six stars, your feedback and enjoyment are more valuable. Blessing, my dear.
Comment from royowen
Gangus is happily married to Brehira, the love of his life, he had two fine sons, and a mysterious voice tells him to go see the oracle who tells him he needs to go on a quest, on son will go with, plus some soldiers of loyal nature, and a faithful but not so enthusiastic Brehira. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
|
Gangus is happily married to Brehira, the love of his life, he had two fine sons, and a mysterious voice tells him to go see the oracle who tells him he needs to go on a quest, on son will go with, plus some soldiers of loyal nature, and a faithful but not so enthusiastic Brehira. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 12-May-2021
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
-
Thank you, Roy.
-
Well done
-
Thank you, Roy.
-
A pleasure
Comment from DentedSyke
This is good stuff. The characters are believable, you carry the same atmosphere, dialogue style, and tone throughout the work.
My only real criticism - which is more opinion - is that some of the paragraphs are too long. This hurts the continuity and pace a little. Again, just an opinion.
Your story reads well, and there are characters and plot enough to make a riveting read. Nice!
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
|
This is good stuff. The characters are believable, you carry the same atmosphere, dialogue style, and tone throughout the work.
My only real criticism - which is more opinion - is that some of the paragraphs are too long. This hurts the continuity and pace a little. Again, just an opinion.
Your story reads well, and there are characters and plot enough to make a riveting read. Nice!
Comment Written 12-May-2021
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
-
Thank you very much.
-
:)
-
It's just a suggestion, but I appreciate that you are considering the change. Your writing is very good!
-
Thank you so much.
-
You're welcome.
Comment from Jay Squires
"Go quickly to the north end of the forest," a strange voice said. [You need to space between the paragraph. As I looked on for the entire chapter ... I see that you have large blocks of paragraphs without spaces between them. As you know, lack of white space discourages readers. May I suggest you go back and space between all your paragraphs?]
I enjoyed the seamlessly smooth backstory you added about Gangus's love of Brehira.
and tipped past each of his son's room, { do you mean tiptoed past?)
Gangus stumbled backward but didn't speak. [Very effective!]
I finished your chapter to its end; I was thrilled by what I read, but I am sincere when I say that without doing as I suggested and spacing between paragraphs, you'll lose half of who started it. And those who don't finish it will have missed out on a dynamic, powerful chapter.
You are a remarkable writer, Amahra.
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
|
"Go quickly to the north end of the forest," a strange voice said. [You need to space between the paragraph. As I looked on for the entire chapter ... I see that you have large blocks of paragraphs without spaces between them. As you know, lack of white space discourages readers. May I suggest you go back and space between all your paragraphs?]
I enjoyed the seamlessly smooth backstory you added about Gangus's love of Brehira.
and tipped past each of his son's room, { do you mean tiptoed past?)
Gangus stumbled backward but didn't speak. [Very effective!]
I finished your chapter to its end; I was thrilled by what I read, but I am sincere when I say that without doing as I suggested and spacing between paragraphs, you'll lose half of who started it. And those who don't finish it will have missed out on a dynamic, powerful chapter.
You are a remarkable writer, Amahra.
Comment Written 12-May-2021
reply by the author on 12-May-2021
-
Thank you so much, Jay and I will do as you suggest.
