Discarded Treasures
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Liliana"Deep in Georgia sits a house with unusual treasure
33 total reviews
Comment from Ben B.
I liked how you started your story in the middle of the action rather than build up to it. I've noticed your character's dialogue was a little "stage like" but realistic for the most part given their situation. Was that what you were going for?
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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I liked how you started your story in the middle of the action rather than build up to it. I've noticed your character's dialogue was a little "stage like" but realistic for the most part given their situation. Was that what you were going for?
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Yes, you nailed it all the way. Most of my books have been sequential. I?m going for a different style this time, kind of going off of suggestions people gave me before.
I really appreciate you taking the time to review.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from lyenochka
Hi Rhonda! Good to see you writing again! You sure know how to start your books with a bang! I'm sure Liliana will find out about herself in this journey.
One suggestion:
"parent's home " (parents')
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Hi Rhonda! Good to see you writing again! You sure know how to start your books with a bang! I'm sure Liliana will find out about herself in this journey.
One suggestion:
"parent's home " (parents')
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Hi, Thanks for the wonderful review. I changed the parent's/parents part, thank you!!
Comment from Dana Starr
I'm intrigued. I really like your descriptive writing. It's not overly descriptive but it still paints a vivid picture. I would've given you five stars; however, I had a few moments that took me out of the story. The first three paragraphs are so good, but I couldn't figure out exactly what was happening. Maybe showing us that and not just telling us that would be a better way to start the story. After showing us the crash then the paragraphs I've already praised would make much more sense. I've never heard of a person being at the end of their ropes. I've always heard at the end of their rope so that gave me pause BUT I actually like the way you wrote it better. Did darkness actually have a scent? LOVE LOVE LOVE that. The line about her excursions is good. I really like the paragraph about staying sicced. I wouldn't capitalize pit bull dog. I was a little confused about when she actually escapes from the water. She's climbing and climbing and then breathes refreshing air, and then she climbs more before actually emerging from the blackened water. That gave me pause because I don't think you mean to say that she was breathing underwater when she breathes refreshing air but that's what it made me think. Finally, at one point you write that even the voices of her parents couldn't reach her but then the next sentence says that her deceased father's voice forces her to focus so that made me think that she has a mom and stepdad who are still alive. Maybe I'm overthinking this but you have a really good start and I think it could be great if you clear up the things that could confuse the reader.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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I'm intrigued. I really like your descriptive writing. It's not overly descriptive but it still paints a vivid picture. I would've given you five stars; however, I had a few moments that took me out of the story. The first three paragraphs are so good, but I couldn't figure out exactly what was happening. Maybe showing us that and not just telling us that would be a better way to start the story. After showing us the crash then the paragraphs I've already praised would make much more sense. I've never heard of a person being at the end of their ropes. I've always heard at the end of their rope so that gave me pause BUT I actually like the way you wrote it better. Did darkness actually have a scent? LOVE LOVE LOVE that. The line about her excursions is good. I really like the paragraph about staying sicced. I wouldn't capitalize pit bull dog. I was a little confused about when she actually escapes from the water. She's climbing and climbing and then breathes refreshing air, and then she climbs more before actually emerging from the blackened water. That gave me pause because I don't think you mean to say that she was breathing underwater when she breathes refreshing air but that's what it made me think. Finally, at one point you write that even the voices of her parents couldn't reach her but then the next sentence says that her deceased father's voice forces her to focus so that made me think that she has a mom and stepdad who are still alive. Maybe I'm overthinking this but you have a really good start and I think it could be great if you clear up the things that could confuse the reader.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your honest and detailed review. When I first went to post this morning, it posted before I was ready, so I had to scramble to revise. I still had some issues left, and you found a few of them. The end of her rope was correct, and I removed the "s". I also removed the line about the voices. It was from before I revised. This happened to me once before where it posted before I okay-ed it, and it's fast an furious work. Thank you for pointing out what you liked as well as what you did not.
Comment from royowen
What a wonderful name for an organisation's, "discarded treasures" I'll have to remember that, because sometimes that's what we do, you sparked a poem from me, and I didn't know what this story was about, I've heard that voice, when I nearly drowned as a young boy, cajoling and calming me, and reached dry ground, long before there was knowledge of God. Beautifully written Rhonda, I look forward to it, I knew there was a connection with us, well done, good write, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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What a wonderful name for an organisation's, "discarded treasures" I'll have to remember that, because sometimes that's what we do, you sparked a poem from me, and I didn't know what this story was about, I've heard that voice, when I nearly drowned as a young boy, cajoling and calming me, and reached dry ground, long before there was knowledge of God. Beautifully written Rhonda, I look forward to it, I knew there was a connection with us, well done, good write, blessings Roy
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Wow, that is so cool. You're right, we do have a connection, even across so very many miles.
I do appreciate the review,
Rhonda
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Miles mean nothing to God, same as size. Well done, meant to give you six for this great post, sorry.
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Awww, thanks. I knew I was posting late in the week, and didn't figure many people had 6's left at this point, lol.
You're right about God and the miles! He did, after-all, create the Universe!
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Yep that?s right.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, this is a very fine first chapter for your new book. It was so well written and I held by breath throughout. What a suspenseful start to your new book. Also welcome back. I'm looking forward to what is next. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Hi Rhonda, this is a very fine first chapter for your new book. It was so well written and I held by breath throughout. What a suspenseful start to your new book. Also welcome back. I'm looking forward to what is next. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much, Ulla! I've been working on it for a while, but not as much as I used to. I have a lot of time off as I'm retired, but somehow I work better under pressure.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Gosh, Rhonda, that was one heck of a first chapter! I was holding my breath waiting for her to breathe! The imagery was amazing, like her, I'm scared stiff of fire. I just wish I had a six star left to give you. Welcome back! It's good to join you on this first part. :)) Sandra xx Happy New Year.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Gosh, Rhonda, that was one heck of a first chapter! I was holding my breath waiting for her to breathe! The imagery was amazing, like her, I'm scared stiff of fire. I just wish I had a six star left to give you. Welcome back! It's good to join you on this first part. :)) Sandra xx Happy New Year.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Sandra, thank you so much!! I have had the worst case of Writer's Block ever, but am disciplining myself to write. Retirement has had the opposite effect on me. I always said that when I retired, I'd devote myself to writing. I haven't, but this story has been on my heart to write.
Thanks for the 6 star offer. That means a lot!
Happy New Year,
Rhonda
Comment from joycetreasures
Hello Rhonda,
I like your character, Liliana. There's a lot of activity in the opening scene. Will she have a last name or you will only use Liliana? I really enjoyed this first chapter in your novel from beginning to the end. You used a lot of adjectives and action words which always make a writing more interested. Of course, Liliana make it out alive since she is the star. haha Do Liliana find out later, that she was hurt way worst then she thought she was? Douglasville, Georgia seem like it's going to be an interesting place to work/live. I never read stories, no particular reason, however the title caught my eye. I have a business called unique treasures. Keep writing Rhonda, you will do well. Take care and well done.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Hello Rhonda,
I like your character, Liliana. There's a lot of activity in the opening scene. Will she have a last name or you will only use Liliana? I really enjoyed this first chapter in your novel from beginning to the end. You used a lot of adjectives and action words which always make a writing more interested. Of course, Liliana make it out alive since she is the star. haha Do Liliana find out later, that she was hurt way worst then she thought she was? Douglasville, Georgia seem like it's going to be an interesting place to work/live. I never read stories, no particular reason, however the title caught my eye. I have a business called unique treasures. Keep writing Rhonda, you will do well. Take care and well done.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your review, Joyce. Yes, Liliana has a last name, lol. I guess it got left out in my editing. I'll go back and put it in.
Cool that you have a similar name for your business!!
I do appreciate your input!
Take care,
Rhonda
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You are welcome. All the best!
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda--and Liliana had quite a refreshing swim, didn't she? Douglasville needs to invest more money into their public pool; okay, not funny in the least, but it's early yet; give me time!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda--and Liliana had quite a refreshing swim, didn't she? Douglasville needs to invest more money into their public pool; okay, not funny in the least, but it's early yet; give me time!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Thanks for the review, Mike! I love your sense of humor. Still early in the morning, but on your game, my friend!
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Thank you, Rhonda
Comment from RetroStarfish
Lots of action here - if this is the opening chapter, it's a doozy and you've got me hooked. I enjoyed the scene.
That said, its a bit over-written and over-wrought. Not every noun requires an adjective. You have some nice phrases, that can get lost when surrounded by hyperbole and repetition. For example:
'Finally, when fatigue replaced thought, she went under and felt the frigid water closing in. As a last convulsive act, her arm jerked out and got hung on a branch from amidst the wreckage.'
"when fatigue replaced thought' is a great line. Simple and so illustrative of her situation. 'She went under/felt the frigid water' is repetitive. We get it. She's underwater. But she's no longer thinking so how does she "feel" the water and how does she muster 'a last convulsive act'? Perhaps, 'Convulsively her arm jerked out and snagged on a branch.'
Also: ' Liliana passed between life and death...' This literally means she died. I think you mean to say she hovered between life and death.
And a small typo:
'...inside her wearied mind was the remnants of hope" should be 'were the remnants', although you might also drop the 'wearied' as that point has been made.
You're clearly talented. Your challenge is to rein yourself in. I can't wait to read more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Lots of action here - if this is the opening chapter, it's a doozy and you've got me hooked. I enjoyed the scene.
That said, its a bit over-written and over-wrought. Not every noun requires an adjective. You have some nice phrases, that can get lost when surrounded by hyperbole and repetition. For example:
'Finally, when fatigue replaced thought, she went under and felt the frigid water closing in. As a last convulsive act, her arm jerked out and got hung on a branch from amidst the wreckage.'
"when fatigue replaced thought' is a great line. Simple and so illustrative of her situation. 'She went under/felt the frigid water' is repetitive. We get it. She's underwater. But she's no longer thinking so how does she "feel" the water and how does she muster 'a last convulsive act'? Perhaps, 'Convulsively her arm jerked out and snagged on a branch.'
Also: ' Liliana passed between life and death...' This literally means she died. I think you mean to say she hovered between life and death.
And a small typo:
'...inside her wearied mind was the remnants of hope" should be 'were the remnants', although you might also drop the 'wearied' as that point has been made.
You're clearly talented. Your challenge is to rein yourself in. I can't wait to read more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your detailed review. I will definitely look over your suggestions. In my defense, it posted before I was ready. I must have accidentally pressed post, I don't know. I've been feverishly trying to edit before too many people review.
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Damn, I hate when that happens! (premature posting.)
Good luck, and I really am looking forward to the next chapter.
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Thank you so much! I've made some changes already, incorporating your ideas, and am still working on it. I do so very much appreciate you jumping in to help!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I love this passage: "A blinding bolt of lightning shot from a low hanging cloud and hit a tree a few feet from Liliana. Instinctively, she screamed. Not the scream of the damned, nor even of the afflicted, but the scream of a woman at the end of her ropes.
Did darkness actually have a scent? Liliana thought it did. There was something she smelled. Perhaps it was just the rain and subsequent mud, or even the distant odor of a burning car... her burning car.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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I love this passage: "A blinding bolt of lightning shot from a low hanging cloud and hit a tree a few feet from Liliana. Instinctively, she screamed. Not the scream of the damned, nor even of the afflicted, but the scream of a woman at the end of her ropes.
Did darkness actually have a scent? Liliana thought it did. There was something she smelled. Perhaps it was just the rain and subsequent mud, or even the distant odor of a burning car... her burning car.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for the review, Iza, and for pointing out what you liked. The feedback in invaluable.
