Discarded Treasures
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Liliana"Deep in Georgia sits a house with unusual treasure
33 total reviews
Comment from Veronica Grace
You write in such a way that brings the reader into the scene and feelings of the character. The descriptive language further places you next to Liliana and her struggles. Nothing to change or correct. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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You write in such a way that brings the reader into the scene and feelings of the character. The descriptive language further places you next to Liliana and her struggles. Nothing to change or correct. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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I appreciate your honest and supportive review, Veronica. You?ve helped me to understand what stands out.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Jay Squires
Phew! This is a power-packed chapter. A real adventure. You have good instincts for the dramatic. (Rhonda, I remember reading you before I left a few years ago. Do you remember what you were writing then?)
Here are a few things you might want to look over. see if any of it is useful. Otherwise, chuck it out.
Leaving the comfort of her parents home after the breakup had been difficult enough, [Rhonda, I wonder if this needs some clarification. There are two ways of taking it. 1) She left her parents after arguments with them, leading to a breakup, or 2) She broke up with a man, and lived at home for a spell before leaving. At first, I thought she made a break from her parents, but at the bottom of the paragraph you mention her "... picking her men."]
"Yes, yes," she cried out to the collective. [Good, I like that!]
A fresh gust of wind, partnered with a burst of of thunder and lightning, forced Liliana off her feet. She could feel herself washing down the flood-born watercourse. [Rhonda, you can picture in your mind all that preceded this, but the reader can't. I suggest you leave little hints. Like the glasses, when they were ripped off washed away. In the sentence just before this I was thinking she was walking along a road, but I had no idea she was wading through water.]
"Stay sicced," he'd often say. [Do you mean, "Stay psyched." (?)]
With a mighty gasp, she breathed in cold, refreshing air. [Very good description preceded this.]
Thanks for sharing this. You have yourself a follower.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Phew! This is a power-packed chapter. A real adventure. You have good instincts for the dramatic. (Rhonda, I remember reading you before I left a few years ago. Do you remember what you were writing then?)
Here are a few things you might want to look over. see if any of it is useful. Otherwise, chuck it out.
Leaving the comfort of her parents home after the breakup had been difficult enough, [Rhonda, I wonder if this needs some clarification. There are two ways of taking it. 1) She left her parents after arguments with them, leading to a breakup, or 2) She broke up with a man, and lived at home for a spell before leaving. At first, I thought she made a break from her parents, but at the bottom of the paragraph you mention her "... picking her men."]
"Yes, yes," she cried out to the collective. [Good, I like that!]
A fresh gust of wind, partnered with a burst of of thunder and lightning, forced Liliana off her feet. She could feel herself washing down the flood-born watercourse. [Rhonda, you can picture in your mind all that preceded this, but the reader can't. I suggest you leave little hints. Like the glasses, when they were ripped off washed away. In the sentence just before this I was thinking she was walking along a road, but I had no idea she was wading through water.]
"Stay sicced," he'd often say. [Do you mean, "Stay psyched." (?)]
With a mighty gasp, she breathed in cold, refreshing air. [Very good description preceded this.]
Thanks for sharing this. You have yourself a follower.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Thank you so very much for reviewing, Jay. I'm glad we are both back in the game.
I really enjoyed your review. It was incredibly helpful. I agree with the revisions!
I wrote The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hill, and The Humanity Project. I was working on a couple more, and wrote poetry and short stories.
I've had some life challenges that have drawn my attention away for a while, but am trying to make myself return to my dreams.
Thanks so much for the advice,
I'll explain the "stay sicced" in the author's notes.
Rhonda
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Yes! The daredevil girls. Sisters. The younger looking up to the older. Somewhere underground. Rituals and stuff. Some heady material. And then weren't they at the school. The mother, I believe was there. An earthquake, or other cataclysm. Oh, and going into a haunted house? Vague on that. Am I on the right track. I read so many writers back then.
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Wow, you got everything but the earthquake. It was an explosion, but, wow, you remembered so much!!
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That's right! An explosion.
Comment from kmoss
This is a well written first chapter of the story. It engages the reader from the beginning. I have one suggestion, this line could use improvement: A second bolt of lightning followed the first. Possible change: a second bolt of lightning flashes in the sky or lights up the sky.
I really liked this wording: Finally, her body emerged from the blackened water. A few more desperate tugs, and she was lying in a pile of debris. She could hear the raging storm, but couldn't be reached by its fury.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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This is a well written first chapter of the story. It engages the reader from the beginning. I have one suggestion, this line could use improvement: A second bolt of lightning followed the first. Possible change: a second bolt of lightning flashes in the sky or lights up the sky.
I really liked this wording: Finally, her body emerged from the blackened water. A few more desperate tugs, and she was lying in a pile of debris. She could hear the raging storm, but couldn't be reached by its fury.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Thank you so very much for your review. It is so helpful to get useful feedback. I have made the suggested change, and love the results. Thank you!
I, also, appreciate you mentioning what you liked. Also very helpful.
Have a great day,
Rhonda
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Awesome! I cannot wait to read more!
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Thank you!
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
You certainly have an action packed first chapter to hook the reader's interest.
Hopefully nature isn't offering a warning to Liliana about her reflective journey.
Don't leave the scene, but certainly don't stay in a burning car either!
I think it can only get calmer from here on. :)
I wrote a poem on a similar theme of discarded treasures that I'll post in a few weeks called Forgotten Things. We think alike, my friend.
Well done.
Best wishes and good luck with the new book!
Robert
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Hello Rhonda,
You certainly have an action packed first chapter to hook the reader's interest.
Hopefully nature isn't offering a warning to Liliana about her reflective journey.
Don't leave the scene, but certainly don't stay in a burning car either!
I think it can only get calmer from here on. :)
I wrote a poem on a similar theme of discarded treasures that I'll post in a few weeks called Forgotten Things. We think alike, my friend.
Well done.
Best wishes and good luck with the new book!
Robert
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Thank you for the beautiful 6 stars, Robert!
I'm glad the first chapter was engaging. It's something I'm working on as a novelist. Yes, things will calm down, but will ebb and flow.
Very interesting that you wrote a similar poem! I do believe great minds think alike, lol. Anyway, it's nice to find out others share a common theme. I've been ruminating this for months. As I haven't written anything on this scale in a while, I'm a bit anxious for it to unfold in the way I intend.
I look forward to reading your poem!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from greyson ernst
this is really really nice and the picture is really good its perfect though i dont know what it is and as always keep writing and stay safe'
sincerely Greyson Ernst
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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this is really really nice and the picture is really good its perfect though i dont know what it is and as always keep writing and stay safe'
sincerely Greyson Ernst
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your review, my friend.
The artwork was a storm, though it is a bit hard to tell on first glance.
Rhonda
Comment from Anne Johnston
A very well written first chapter. Your opening paragraph pulls us immediately into the action, and makes one want to keep on reading. Such an ordeal this young lady is going through, but words from the past give her the stamina to fight for life. Going to be a good book.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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A very well written first chapter. Your opening paragraph pulls us immediately into the action, and makes one want to keep on reading. Such an ordeal this young lady is going through, but words from the past give her the stamina to fight for life. Going to be a good book.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for your review, Anne. It was both helpful and supportive.
Take care and stay safe,
Rhonda
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You are welcome
Comment from Pam (respa)
-This is quite a beginning, Rhonda,
and the artwork is a great choice.
-You draw us in and don't let up.
-Great description and suspense
as Liliana struggles after the accident
and during a dangerous storm, as well.
-That is a lot for one person.
-The imagery is excellent as you
describe the storm and Liliana's
efforts to hang on and get to safety.
-It sounds like she can use this project
for those "who have been cast aside."
-Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
|
-This is quite a beginning, Rhonda,
and the artwork is a great choice.
-You draw us in and don't let up.
-Great description and suspense
as Liliana struggles after the accident
and during a dangerous storm, as well.
-That is a lot for one person.
-The imagery is excellent as you
describe the storm and Liliana's
efforts to hang on and get to safety.
-It sounds like she can use this project
for those "who have been cast aside."
-Well done.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Thank you for the six stars, Pam. Thanks, also, for the detailed review. I?m glad to see you ?got? all my take-aways? for this opening chapter.
You are the only one who mentioned the ?cast asides?, which will be the overriding theme for the book.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome and deserving, Rhonda. I appreciate your reply about getting all the "take-aways" and the "cast asides," too!
Comment from Wendy G
This is an excellent description of the girl caught in the storm and her near drowning. The writing is vivid and clear, the thoughts in her head seem real and exact. I will be looking forward to reading what happens next. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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This is an excellent description of the girl caught in the storm and her near drowning. The writing is vivid and clear, the thoughts in her head seem real and exact. I will be looking forward to reading what happens next. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Thank you for taking time to review. Do you have suggestions to improve?
Rhonda
Comment from Jaime Deagle
I found the character to be interesting and engaging. The dialogue seemed natural. The characters draw you into the story. Overall a well-crafted piece. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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I found the character to be interesting and engaging. The dialogue seemed natural. The characters draw you into the story. Overall a well-crafted piece. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Thank you for taking time to review.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Rhonda.
The chapter starts with action and ends with a temporary reprieve. Liliana manages to survive a treacherous storm and is pushed along by the storm. She is pushed more than she was making decisions to go one way or another.
It is exciting and breathtaking as she gets to relative safety. I like your phrase: "fatigue replaced thought." That is a descriptive statement worth about 200 words. Well Done.
Robert
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Hello Rhonda.
The chapter starts with action and ends with a temporary reprieve. Liliana manages to survive a treacherous storm and is pushed along by the storm. She is pushed more than she was making decisions to go one way or another.
It is exciting and breathtaking as she gets to relative safety. I like your phrase: "fatigue replaced thought." That is a descriptive statement worth about 200 words. Well Done.
Robert
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Thank you for the six star review, Robert, and for the wonderful comments. I appreciate all you said.
Take care,
Rhonda
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You're welcome.
