Discarded Treasures
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Liliana"Deep in Georgia sits a house with unusual treasure
33 total reviews
Comment from mmayen
I loved this line; 'She figured she picked her excursions about as well as she picked her men'.
I think there's a little error here:
''the massive dog would hang on until her he called her off, no matter how much damage she incurred in the process''.
I anticipate more chapters. I came here from chapter 2. So heading back to read chapter 2. I'm excited!
Keep Writing.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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I loved this line; 'She figured she picked her excursions about as well as she picked her men'.
I think there's a little error here:
''the massive dog would hang on until her he called her off, no matter how much damage she incurred in the process''.
I anticipate more chapters. I came here from chapter 2. So heading back to read chapter 2. I'm excited!
Keep Writing.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for both your reviews. You definitely found an error, I do appreciate it. I?ll go back and fix it at once!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Alli Johnston
You had me from the first few paragraphs, I knew it was going to be good! I so look forward to reading the rest. Fantastic, descriptive writing! A pleasure to read
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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You had me from the first few paragraphs, I knew it was going to be good! I so look forward to reading the rest. Fantastic, descriptive writing! A pleasure to read
Comment Written 09-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for taking time to review my chapter. I do so hope you continue to do so.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's a whole school of thought that states you should never start a story/book with the weather. Just a consideration.
Instinctively, she screamed / there was definitely a scent. / She had barely escaped her - watch out for the adverbs. At the beginning they're ever other sentence or so. Each short paragraph.
Apart from this, the opening is solid and quite intriguing. The main character asking lots of questions draws the reader in, we also get a smattering of backstory woven in nicely without being too obtrusive.
There's some great descriptive work at play in subsequent paragraphs, setting mood and scene.
A fresh gust of wind, partnered with a burst of of thunder and lightning, forced Liliana off her feet. - gust feels too underplayed here given all the previous description (hurricane like).
the sounds of her parent's voices encouraging her. - parents' in this instance as it's referring to both.
Slowly and painfully, Liliana pulled herself- try to avoid pairing adverbs. - you could try things like, With slow and painful pulls, Liliana inched herself closer to the stable limb.
Nice tail off here at the end, drawing the reader in to wonder why she's there.
Good stuff.
GMG
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Hi there,
There's a whole school of thought that states you should never start a story/book with the weather. Just a consideration.
Instinctively, she screamed / there was definitely a scent. / She had barely escaped her - watch out for the adverbs. At the beginning they're ever other sentence or so. Each short paragraph.
Apart from this, the opening is solid and quite intriguing. The main character asking lots of questions draws the reader in, we also get a smattering of backstory woven in nicely without being too obtrusive.
There's some great descriptive work at play in subsequent paragraphs, setting mood and scene.
A fresh gust of wind, partnered with a burst of of thunder and lightning, forced Liliana off her feet. - gust feels too underplayed here given all the previous description (hurricane like).
the sounds of her parent's voices encouraging her. - parents' in this instance as it's referring to both.
Slowly and painfully, Liliana pulled herself- try to avoid pairing adverbs. - you could try things like, With slow and painful pulls, Liliana inched herself closer to the stable limb.
Nice tail off here at the end, drawing the reader in to wonder why she's there.
Good stuff.
GMG
Comment Written 09-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much, G! I was hoping you'd review the chapter. You always take a lot of time and effort to analyze and what you say is so helpful. You are so right on all the adverbs!! I do tend to overdo them. I'll go back and make changes. Thanks for the advice.
Rhonda
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Rhonda, Reading just this preview, was enough to want to fan you, so I don't miss a single chapter of this new novel.
You have created a gritty and tenacious woman as your heroin, circumstances that will require a whole new view of life, and the assurance that she will be tested again and again.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Dear Rhonda, Reading just this preview, was enough to want to fan you, so I don't miss a single chapter of this new novel.
You have created a gritty and tenacious woman as your heroin, circumstances that will require a whole new view of life, and the assurance that she will be tested again and again.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Wow, Suzanna, you hit right at the heart of the whole chapter. Lovely job of analysis.
I am so happy you plan to follow the book. I can use helpful insight.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from estory
I liked the strong detailed descriptions of the landscape erupting into lightning and thunder and rain, the ragged plants that seem to reach out and grab Lilliana and drag her under the water at the scene of the accident. We also get that strong sense of her will to live, driven by that voice from her father, 'stay sicced.' And she pulls herself up out of the pond and gasps for air and stays alive. We really get the monumental struggle she goes through to stay alive. This is like a 5.5 for me. A good start to a novel. estory
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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I liked the strong detailed descriptions of the landscape erupting into lightning and thunder and rain, the ragged plants that seem to reach out and grab Lilliana and drag her under the water at the scene of the accident. We also get that strong sense of her will to live, driven by that voice from her father, 'stay sicced.' And she pulls herself up out of the pond and gasps for air and stays alive. We really get the monumental struggle she goes through to stay alive. This is like a 5.5 for me. A good start to a novel. estory
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Thank you, estory, for your very detailed and supportive review. Feedback is so essential for writing, especially at the beginning of a new project.
Take care, and thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is a great start to what could be an interesting novel. You've got great descriptions that build up the fears of worst to come. I'm glad I got in on the first chapter.
Just a few little grammar errors you might want to look at:
1. "After losing control of her car, it crashed into a tree." The car is the only subject in this sentence. I don't think it's what lost control. Try: After she lost control of he car, it crashed into a tree.
2. " Was she being punished for old sins, or was this storm just a way of washing away a past too difficult to comprehend." This should end with a question mark.
3. "Another crack of lightning, this one so near (that) she detected the odor of ozone it produced,"
4. "A fresh gust of wind, partnered with a burst of of thunder and lightning," I think when you read it again, you'll see the problem.
5. "When her grandfather sicced her on something, the massive dog would hang on until her he called her off," Again when you read it out loud you'll see the problem.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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This is a great start to what could be an interesting novel. You've got great descriptions that build up the fears of worst to come. I'm glad I got in on the first chapter.
Just a few little grammar errors you might want to look at:
1. "After losing control of her car, it crashed into a tree." The car is the only subject in this sentence. I don't think it's what lost control. Try: After she lost control of he car, it crashed into a tree.
2. " Was she being punished for old sins, or was this storm just a way of washing away a past too difficult to comprehend." This should end with a question mark.
3. "Another crack of lightning, this one so near (that) she detected the odor of ozone it produced,"
4. "A fresh gust of wind, partnered with a burst of of thunder and lightning," I think when you read it again, you'll see the problem.
5. "When her grandfather sicced her on something, the massive dog would hang on until her he called her off," Again when you read it out loud you'll see the problem.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Wow, Judy, thank you so much for your detailed review. I was able to make the changes you suggested, and appreciate you pointing them out. I'm sure you know how helpful that can be!!
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from robyn corum
Rhonda,
Nice beginning. The reader is instantly immersed (pardon the pun) in the MC's challenging situation. We don't know why she's here or what she's after, but you have presented an intriguing beginning that makes us want to continue reading. Nicely done~
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Rhonda,
Nice beginning. The reader is instantly immersed (pardon the pun) in the MC's challenging situation. We don't know why she's here or what she's after, but you have presented an intriguing beginning that makes us want to continue reading. Nicely done~
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your review, Robyn. It's good to hear from you. I know I haven't been on much in a while, and it's good to see familiar faces.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from padumachitta
hello
whew, right in the deep end, first chapter rocks with action and thought.
Great descriptions for both nature and her state of mind.
I'll be interested to see where this goes...
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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hello
whew, right in the deep end, first chapter rocks with action and thought.
Great descriptions for both nature and her state of mind.
I'll be interested to see where this goes...
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for jumping in on my new novel. I'm taking a different track than usual, and welcome any and all suggestions.
Rhonda
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it's a good start, no point in being languid:-)
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Thanks!
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Rhonda:
I am very intrigued as to where you are planning to go with this
novel - or wondering if you write more like me and the characters
take you where they want to go. I really look forward to reading
this novel as you write it. Good luck
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Rhonda:
I am very intrigued as to where you are planning to go with this
novel - or wondering if you write more like me and the characters
take you where they want to go. I really look forward to reading
this novel as you write it. Good luck
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your lovely review, my friend! I'll have to look into your work as well.
I usually start with an outline of sorts, and a list of characters with a brief sketch about each. Then, I just let the story build itself. Thanks for asking.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from w.j.debi
I am glad to get in on the first chapter. You've set the stage for an intriguing novel. Already, I am wondering about Lilliana and her background, as well as how she is going to get out of this mess.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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I am glad to get in on the first chapter. You've set the stage for an intriguing novel. Already, I am wondering about Lilliana and her background, as well as how she is going to get out of this mess.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. I hope you?re able to follow so you can share your impressions.
Take care,
Rhonda
