La Strega
The witch11 total reviews
Comment from Mary Vigasin
A very bad houseguest!
I enjoyed the read because it had a very different twist from the blood and gore as it includes the weapon of laughter.
Well done Iza.
Good luck in the contest.
Regards and Happy Halloween!
Mary
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A very bad houseguest!
I enjoyed the read because it had a very different twist from the blood and gore as it includes the weapon of laughter.
Well done Iza.
Good luck in the contest.
Regards and Happy Halloween!
Mary
Comment Written 29-Oct-2020
Comment from F. William Lester
Take that, La Strega! Nice work and just in time for Halloween.
Two quick suggestions: Watch your tenses in the first two paragraphs. Most of the story is written in the present tense except in the first two paragraphs where you jump between past and present tense within the paragraph. Might need to rewrite them to keep the tenses corralled.
A minor point, I would drop the comma after "Month ten...".
Other than that, it was a good story. I love it when someone gets taken down a peg or two :).
Thanks for sharing your work. Good writing and stay well.
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Take that, La Strega! Nice work and just in time for Halloween.
Two quick suggestions: Watch your tenses in the first two paragraphs. Most of the story is written in the present tense except in the first two paragraphs where you jump between past and present tense within the paragraph. Might need to rewrite them to keep the tenses corralled.
A minor point, I would drop the comma after "Month ten...".
Other than that, it was a good story. I love it when someone gets taken down a peg or two :).
Thanks for sharing your work. Good writing and stay well.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
Comment from Raul1
This story meets the requirements for the contest. It has a very good chance of winning the contest. It is interesting and unique. Excellent work! No grammatical errors. Good luck!
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This story meets the requirements for the contest. It has a very good chance of winning the contest. It is interesting and unique. Excellent work! No grammatical errors. Good luck!
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow... so there's a step into the occult and two very strong-minded women at odds!! ;) :) A good offering for the Flash, Lady Iza - thanx for sharing and good luck! ;) Yvette
feeding them too. --> feeding them, too.
thinking, and perhaps --> thinking that perhaps
then I will have --> then I would have
now!" Happy, --> now!" [new paragraph should begin here] Happy,
and gesturing towards my babies, I gently say:" Don't be afraid we will be all --> and, gesturing towards my babies, I gently say, "Don't be afraid. We will all be
bridge." I know --> bridge." [new paragraph here] I know
her: "Babies, La Strega --> her. "Babies, La Strega
curses me:" Every --> curses me. "Every
I shout: "I will --> I shout, "I will
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Wow... so there's a step into the occult and two very strong-minded women at odds!! ;) :) A good offering for the Flash, Lady Iza - thanx for sharing and good luck! ;) Yvette
feeding them too. --> feeding them, too.
thinking, and perhaps --> thinking that perhaps
then I will have --> then I would have
now!" Happy, --> now!" [new paragraph should begin here] Happy,
and gesturing towards my babies, I gently say:" Don't be afraid we will be all --> and, gesturing towards my babies, I gently say, "Don't be afraid. We will all be
bridge." I know --> bridge." [new paragraph here] I know
her: "Babies, La Strega --> her. "Babies, La Strega
curses me:" Every --> curses me. "Every
I shout: "I will --> I shout, "I will
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
Comment from estory
I think you did a great job personifying evil and hope in the characters you created here. The witch is like a symbol of despair, of hopelessness, and you are the symbol of hope and love and laughter. Good triumphs in the end by not losing the ability to laugh and love and have hope, even in the face of curses placed on you by the witch. I like how you created this sense of the apartment building empty of your neighbors, all victims of coronavirus, and the pets in your apartment giving you that sense of life. estory
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I think you did a great job personifying evil and hope in the characters you created here. The witch is like a symbol of despair, of hopelessness, and you are the symbol of hope and love and laughter. Good triumphs in the end by not losing the ability to laugh and love and have hope, even in the face of curses placed on you by the witch. I like how you created this sense of the apartment building empty of your neighbors, all victims of coronavirus, and the pets in your apartment giving you that sense of life. estory
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
Comment from Mastery
Good job, Iza. Your story-telling onlu=y lacks one thing and that's dialogue. Dialogue moves a story and makes it mor realistic.
Also, Your opening line should always "grab" the reader...with a good "hook"
In this case, I would have made this line the opener:
"I am a sucker for tradition, and now I am paying for it from my pocket." Then build around that opener.
Bless you, my friend. thanks for sharing. Bob
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Good job, Iza. Your story-telling onlu=y lacks one thing and that's dialogue. Dialogue moves a story and makes it mor realistic.
Also, Your opening line should always "grab" the reader...with a good "hook"
In this case, I would have made this line the opener:
"I am a sucker for tradition, and now I am paying for it from my pocket." Then build around that opener.
Bless you, my friend. thanks for sharing. Bob
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
What a spooky Halloween story! I think this is a great entry for the Halloween Flash Fiction contest, so I wish you the best of luck!
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What a spooky Halloween story! I think this is a great entry for the Halloween Flash Fiction contest, so I wish you the best of luck!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2020
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(Month ten, since she broke my faith--do you mean it's been ten months since...?) Strega bears a strong resemblance to Coronella--a metaphor, I suspect--sly hint re new pestilence to conquer her.
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(Month ten, since she broke my faith--do you mean it's been ten months since...?) Strega bears a strong resemblance to Coronella--a metaphor, I suspect--sly hint re new pestilence to conquer her.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2020
Comment from lancellot
Very interesting. It was well crafted. A different horror tale. I like a unique story that I haven't read before.
notes
None return home.
- None returned home.
She drops her veil. She is so ugly! She puts her dead fingers on my face. "You will die now!"
-separate paragraphs-
Happy, I laugh and gesturing towards my babies, I gently [say:" Don't] be afraid we will be all together, a happy family under the rainbow bridge." I know who she is. I turn around to face her: "Babies, La Strega will not get us! She will live here alone and forgotten."
- move quote mark over
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Very interesting. It was well crafted. A different horror tale. I like a unique story that I haven't read before.
notes
None return home.
- None returned home.
She drops her veil. She is so ugly! She puts her dead fingers on my face. "You will die now!"
-separate paragraphs-
Happy, I laugh and gesturing towards my babies, I gently [say:" Don't] be afraid we will be all together, a happy family under the rainbow bridge." I know who she is. I turn around to face her: "Babies, La Strega will not get us! She will live here alone and forgotten."
- move quote mark over
Comment Written 27-Oct-2020
Comment from lyenochka
Well, this sounds like a scary story. It seems like Coronella came in person to be an uninvited guest. Great idea to keep loving and laughing to stand strong!
Comments:
I am a sucker punch for tradition, (I think you just want to say "sucker for tradition" the "sucker punch" is a kind of coward's attack.)
threatening me with a law-suite (lawsuit)
Evrika! (Eureka)
live a thousand life forgotten! (lives)
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Well, this sounds like a scary story. It seems like Coronella came in person to be an uninvited guest. Great idea to keep loving and laughing to stand strong!
Comments:
I am a sucker punch for tradition, (I think you just want to say "sucker for tradition" the "sucker punch" is a kind of coward's attack.)
threatening me with a law-suite (lawsuit)
Evrika! (Eureka)
live a thousand life forgotten! (lives)
Comment Written 27-Oct-2020
