A Fly on the Wall : On Knowing When It's Right by Rachelle Allen Book of the Month contest entry |
March 15, 2017 1. Respect
If there isn't mutual respect, then there is no respect. And without respect, a relationship is toxic. Leave it before it kills you, and don't question for one moment if you made the right choice. You did.2. Silence
Not talking is an act of consideration and loving kindness when it's done with the intention of not unleashing words that would be injurious, unconscionable, or catastrophic. But a silence that is prolonged --i.e. that lasts in excess of an hour or two-- is a tool manipulators use to withhold love and affection so that people give in to their demands. Not only is it unproductive and unhealthy, it's also cruel and extremely disrespectful. (See No. 1)3. Infidelity
In the words of my father: "There are two kinds of people in this world: Those Who Cheat, and Those Who Wouldn't Dream Of It." I've learned that mistresses and boyfriends are, very often, like rats in that there are usually so many more of them hovering close by than just the one that originally got your attention. You can opt to stay put after the initial discovery and catharsis, but you'll spend every subsequent day pretending that you don't really hear anything scrabbling around in the dark corners of your world.4. Grievances
There is a vast difference --not a fine line-- between "annoying" and "unforgivable." The first one is not a deal-breaker; the second one is.5. Secrets
This commodity will destroy a relationship from the inside out, and it's the precursor to full-blown Deceit. One secret intertwines with another and another and another until they strangle the life out of your bond and replace it with suspicion and the fear of what consequences the truth could hold. But in reality, no truth is more painful than even the most well-intentioned secret, because the truth says, "I know I can trust you with this" while a secret says, "I have no confidence in you whatsoever."6. Imbalance of Power/Co-Dependence
If you think you and your mate always agree on everything, someone is --deliberately or not-- subjugating himself or herself for the sake of keeping the relationship going. The weaker of you is being a mirror so as not to either rile up or be rejected by the dominant partner. But the bad news is that either way, you're both invested in a mirage.7. Satisfaction
A good relationship is "work," but it's satisfying work, not "a job." It requires daily attentiveness, but it's the kind steeped in desire and delight, not obligation. The bottom line is this: If your union isn't enjoyable, then you've totally missed the point of it.8. Assessment
Your answer to the following question is the ultimate litmus test for determining how successful you consider your relationship to be:Would you ever want one like it for your child? If you answered 'yes,' then congratulations. With or without mansions, personal trainers, and stiletto boots, you're the one who's really living the charmed life of a Fairy Tale Princess (or Prince). But if your answer is "No, my relationship is not one I'd ever want for my child," then the obvious follow-up question has to be: Whyever in the world are you accepting it, then, for yourself? Because, until you're dead, you know, you always have the power to change what's not right about your life.
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Rachelle Allen
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