Exceptional Based on a true story Redneck resume by Earl Corp Non-Fiction Writing Contest contest entry

One day we were watching the Blue Collar Comedy tour. Jeff Foxworthy did a shtick about a redneck's-shirt drawer being like a resume. The great Foxworthy said by going into his T-shirt drawer you can tell you what kind of truck he drives, what radio station he listens to, who he roots for in NASCAR, what he likes to hunt, who are his favorite college football teams, his philosophy on life, and where he went on vacation for the last twenty-one summers. I found this a bit hilarious and laughed until my sides hurt. My wife, Anna, asked me what I thought was so funny about this gag. "He's describing you to a T," she said. "No way," I said. "Wanna bet?" "You know I only bet for jewelry," she said, "C'mon." So we went into the bedroom, and it was on. She opened the top drawer. I was pretty smug because I knew I didn't have any Dodge T-shirts. To my surprise she pulled out a Harley Davidson T-shirt. "That's not a truck," I said. "It's something you drive," she replied. She then reached in and pulled out a WZPR the Country 1 T-shirt that I had rescued out of a Salvation Army box. "That's not fair you threw it away," I whined. "Is it in the drawer?" she asked. I knew I had her on the next category, I don't watch NASCAR. Instead she pulled out a Stone Cold Austin T-shirt. "That's not NASCAR, it doesn't count," I said triumphantly. "Aside from NASCAR, can you name anything more redneck than professional wrestling?" She asked, and then said, "It counts." "You're changing the rules to suit you," I said. "Not at all," Anna chuckled. "But you have to admit you're falling within Foxworthy's parameters." "I guess so," I said grudgingly. I figured we'd reached the end of the string though because I don't really hunt. The first T-shirt she pulled out was one with a Grizzly bear that my uncle had given me. "I don't hunt grizzly bears, BUZZ thanks for playing," I crowed. "Ok," But I'll be damned if she didn't pull a Cabela's T-shirt with a white tail on it. I forgot I'd bought that one. Since I don't watch college football It would figure the next category was safe and this would come to an end - not hardly. Anna pulled no less than three Pittsburgh Steelers T-shirts dating back to the 90s. "Ok you got me there," I relented. According to Anna, my philosophy of life can be gleaned from Big Dog, Veterans, and Harley T-shirts. I had to admit she was right on that count. Now I knew I had her. We hadn't vacationed every year for the past 20. "Would you give it to me if I can find 20 shirts from other places or attractions?" "Suuuure," I said. First out was a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame T-shirt. This was followed by a 1998 Daytona Bike Week shirt. I thought she had shot her wad with those two shirts, but noooo. Out came Walt Disney World 2013, then the Wild West Festival where we renewed our wedding vows in 2017. Surely that was it. Nope not even close. There was a T-shirt from the Pro Football Hall Of Fame in Canton, one from the National Military Veterans Museum and a Titanic Museum. There were Harley shirts from everywhere we'd been. I had Harley shirts from Texas, Michigan, Ohio, Georgia, Tennessee, both Carolinas and Florida. I watched as the pile grew larger. I still wouldn't admit defeat. I balked when she threw the Cleveland Zoo shirt at me. "You brought me that one," I said. "You went the year before and didn't get a shirt," she said, "Are you trying to say you haven't been? I decided it was in my best interest to let that one slide, besides she wasn't going to make 20, why borrow trouble? I knew she was getting towards the end of it when she started pulling out Pioneer Festival and Renaissance Faire shirts. I kind of thought it was cheating when she pulled out a 101st Airborne shirt from Fort Campbell, Kentucky. But, I have to admit, we did stop there. This brought the grand total to 18, she was two short. "Are you ready to admit defeat?" I asked "Nope, I saved the best for last," Anna said. Then like she was smacking down a trump card on top of the pile she threw a Branson Missouri shirt, with no sleeves. Foxworthy had also mentioned there would be at least three shirts without sleeves. One of the Steelers shirts and Stone Cold Steve Austin didn't have any sleeves on them. "A twofer," she said triumphantly. Anna's new diamond earrings sure do sparkle. Recognized Author Notes Believe it or not this actually happened one Saturday afternoon.

© Copyright 2024. Earl Corp All rights reserved. Earl Corp has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.