Four different types of rodents meet each other near a bag of corn meal.
Gerbil: (addressing an approaching hamster) Howdy! Haven't seen you here before.
Hamster: I am new here. Name's Ham.
Vole: (a second newcomer comes out from behind a can of beans) Vas ist los? Meine namen ist Yah — Yah Vole. (What's going on? My name is Yah Vole.)
Shrew: (dropping in from a shelf above, a fourth rodent joins the group, a look of annoyance on his face) Great! -- Voymin!
Gerbil: Hi, fellas. Funny we should all meet here. I'm Jubil -- Jubil Gerbil.
Hamster: My name is Ham.
Vole: Du bist der schwein? (You are a pig?) Der guinea pig?
Shrew: Puny for a pig. Yous must be da runt ah da littah.
Gerbil: Aren't you a hamster, Ham?
Hamster: Yes, but I am oft' confused for either a gerbil or a guinea pig. Humans do not seem to know the difference. I feel forgotten in a world of rodents better represented by their promotional personnel.
Vole: Du bist nicht der schwein? (You are NOT a pig?)
Shrew: Cry me a river, Hambone. People kill my kind 'cause I got a bad rep from dat spear shaker and some wench what had social issues. Humans stomp my kind as a bad review for some human dame.
Gerbil: So you're a shrew. I thought you'd be taller.
Hamster: May I address the elephant in the room?
Vole: Guinea pig?
Shrew: I'm sure he's takkin' about dis big bag of whatever it is.
Gerbil: The corn meal?
Hamster: Is that what it is? I typically only eat green pellets.
Vole: Was ist en der grune pellets? (What's in the green pellets?)
Shrew: Green pellets are -- PEOPLE!
Gerbil: Quite humorous, Shrew. Do you have a name?
Hamster: It's Ham.
Shrew: He meant me, Cheeks.
Hamster: Oh? Okay, Cheeks.
Shrew: Name’s Cash Shrew.
Vole: Du bist krank auf dem kopf. (You are sick in the head.)
Gerbil: Hold on! I hear someone coming!
Hamster: Homosapians to be sure.
Shrew: Humans more likely.
Vole: Schweinehund! (A-hole)
(The pantry door opens and a man stands staring in at the bag of cornmeal and the rodents frozen in fear in front of it.)
Ned: Hey, Pons. I didn't know you had yerself some salt and pepper shakers what looked like cartoon characters.
Gerbil: (Whispering) Don't move. This one is an idiot.
Pons: I don't have any shakers like that, Ned.
Ned: How 'bout Hot Wheels cars what are in a wheely position and covered wit charmin' 'aminal' caracatures what are all fuzzy an' lifelike?
Hamster: (Whispering) He thinks we are charming.
Pons: I think you're looking at mice, Ned.
Shrew: (Rolling his eyes and whispering) I should be so lucky ta be a mouse. Yous got your Micky Mouse, Pixie and Dixie, Speedy Gonzales, and stinkin' Stuart Little.
Ned: Don't think so, Pons. Let me show ya one.
(All of the creatures scatter and disappear behind the bag of cornmeal)
Pons: Don't touch them, Ned. They may have rabies.
Ned: What's that -- rabbit babies? Garsh, I never thunk ah dat. Wonner how they got up here inta da pant tree? Always wonnered why they call it a pant tree.
Vole: (Listening from behind the cornmeal bag) Was eine dummkopf! (What a dummy!)
Gerbil: I'm taking off. Cornmeal is nice, but life is nicer. (exit)
Hamster: I too will depart. Adieu. (exit)
Vole: Auf weidersehen. (exit)
Shrew: Well I'm stayin'. I'm gonna eat my fill ah dis coyn meal, den I'm gonna step out and knock dat dimbulb inta next week.
Ned: Hey, Pons. All dem rabbit babies is gone. Dey was cute dough.
(The shrew begins gnawing through the back of the bag and eating the cornmeal. It pours out rapidly and buries the small rodent, sufficating it)
C'mon! It's not like he was a lovable mouse.
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Author Notes
Image from Google
Gerbil World 8
"Soylent Green is people!" famous final cry from Charleston Heston's character in the 1973 science fiction classic, Soylent Green.
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