Exceptional I just don't know why Not Again by LoannaLois "Found" Flash Fiction Contest contest entry

O.K. So I walked out of the hospital and barfed in the parking lot. Not again. I couldn't go through this again. In two years I had lost my dad, my mom, my husband...and now they were saying my grandson didn't have but a two percent chance of living through the night. They had put him on E.C.M.O. to keep him alive. I shouldn't be driving but I've got to get home to let my dog out. I can't. I can't see through these tears. I'll just pull over and sit here listening to music for awhile. Oh God, my tears are impossible to see through; I decide to call a cab. I manage to wait twenty minutes and then decide to drive anyway. I cancel the taxi. My mind wouldn't let me sleep nor make any decisions. I got up to make snacks to take for everyone at Children's Hospital. Four dozen chocolate chip cookies later, I collapsed into my pillow and slept. My son didn't call during the night, so I was relieved the little guy must have made it through until morning. Relief is almost always short-lived. The doctor was talking to the kids when I got there. They started crying so I stayed in the waiting room. My son came out soon and held me for a long while. The little fellow, our Connor, wasn't going to make it. They had to decide when and how to take him from E.C.M.O. I decided God and I needed to talk. My intense belief and trust in Him was slipping from my heart's grasp. I sat at my table crying after staying with the family during one of the most difficult times of my life. Yes, I hurt. But, it was more painful watching my children and other grandson. My coffee had turned as cold as my heart. I stepped out onto the patio and heard someone screaming. Then I realized it was me. My anger and pain were at a fever pitch. I yelled at God and all that He had promised. I had originally come out here to clear my mind, but there was no clarity. I had once raised a little orphaned dove out here and she had finally flown away. She had come back for visits, but not lately. I adored her and missed her. I decided, in my haste, to do a terrible thing. I yelled to test God. I said," God, I cannot believe you could be my loving God and allow Connor to die. If You are God, I expect you RIGHT NOW to have my dove fly from the tall white pine to the spruce on the other side!" As God is my witness, my Lord, my God...HE DID. My little dove flew right out from the tree and landed in the blue spruce. Oh, how I felt like Thomas- but I never doubted Him again. I have never been able to rid myself of the guilt for doubting Him. I wonder sometimes if we punish ourselves by not truly being able to give ourselves over. I just came from my doctor's office. My biopsies showed irregular cells again. So, I realize in this life, no one really has any permanent answers. I have no real prognosis, yet I honestly will handle whatever comes. I know that I believe in God and I believe that our lives are ultimately ours and ours alone. These things will happen. When they do, we lean on God. It's what we do. It is sometimes all we CAN do. Recognized Author Notes "Found Flash Fiction" The line that inspired this story is taken from the second paragraph, page ninety-nine, of The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion. "I had no answers." 654 words

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