Make Fanstory Great Again by Mark Valentine
I don’t need to tell you what a disaster this website has become. It used to be a proud writer’s forum, now we’re the worst. We lose to everybody. “Allwritenow.com” is beating us, “Do the Write Thing” makes fun of us. Hell, even the erotica sites “Pump Fiction” and “Midsummer Night’s Cream” are kicking our butts.
Luckily I have the answer – put me in charge. I’m very, very smart. It’s unbelievable how smart I am. I can do multiplication in my head – watch: 8 x 7 -that’s 56 –go ahead you can check. My kids are always asking me how to spell words. I tell them and I’m never wrong. I don’t even own a dictionary, that’s how good I am. For that reason I, and I alone, am able to see the problems that are crippling this website and threatening to take down our very civilization.
Speaking of “civilisation”, the first problem is that we’ve got way too many Brits on this site. I don’t want to start a controversy (by the way Brits, that’s pronounced CONtroversy) but, they can’t spell, they have no taste buds (I mean, shepherds pie, who looks at that and says “I think I’ll eat that – maybe with some warm beer to wash it down?”), their dental hygiene is very poor, and they have big ears. We used to kick their asses (sorry, “arses”) all the time in wars –look it up. Now, everybody gets excited about something called “Downtown Abbey”. I don’t even know what that is, but I’m sure it can’t compare to Downtown Chicago.
The first part of my program (or do you say “programme”) is to build a firewall (at England’s expense of course) to keep these people out. Maybe later, we’ll let some of the good ones, I mean only the very best, back in. We’re talking Paul McCartney, John Cleese, and maybe Elizabeth Hurley (cuz she’s hot – did you see her in “Austin Powers?” – unbelievably sexy – I might date her - haven’t decided yet. Elizabeth, if you’re reading this, give me a call).
Next, we’ve got to do something about these free-versers – am I right? I mean, “Amber shrouds cloud my azure days as I run through tepid meadows in search of your tender touch” – that’s the kind of crap that passes for poetry. And haikus? Are you kidding me? I can churn out fifty of these an hour. “Golden fawns/ prance in verdant woods / where’s my rifle” – there I just wrote a poem “blah blah blah / yada yada / cerulean” – there, I wrote another one.
Look, as I mentioned before, I’m very, very smart and I’m an excellent writer. I think Hemingway and Gertrude Stein had an affair and I’m the product. That’s how good I am. Everything I’ve ever posted on this site has gotten six stars – I even got a seven once, and that’s not technically possible. I’m widely published – my last book spent 127 weeks on the New York Times best-seller list. I’m not sure if that’s exactly true, but I just wrote it and I never lie, so now it’s true. A flawless syllogism for you fans of logic (of which I’m not one).
If you make me the king (or czar, or president, - whatever it is that we call Tom), you won’t believe how great things will be. Everybody will get very large publishing contracts. Contracts that are currently going to the Brits, the free-versers, and the Portuguese (don’t even get me started on THEM) will go to Fanstorians. I know how to make publishing deals. I once spent two hours just randomly hitting typewriter keys, then sold it to HarperCollins for eighteen million dollars. That’s how stupid publishers are. They don’t know how to deal with someone like me. They have incredibly tiny brains, scientists have proved this – you put them in a meeting room with somebody like me and they begin weeping uncontrollably. I tell them “Just give me the check, and I’ll fill out the amount”, and they do it! They are very, very, very, very stupid.
And I’m very popular among book people – they love me. Someone named Oprah Something-or-other keeps calling me to ask if I’d come on her show because she wants my book to be her book club selection. I keep turning her down – never heard of the woman. But book people love me. Except for maybe, the New York Times Book Review folks. They don’t always speak highly of me, but what do you expect from a bunch of liberal, elite, communist, pedophiles?
Speaking of my critics, I know some say that I’m crude or divisive because my Fanstory reviews usually consist of two words (“This sucks”). What can I say? I tell the truth. Sue me. I’ve been sued many, many times before for many, many different things. I always win (except when I decide to settle cuz I can’t be bothered with all the court stuff - but even when I settle, we all know that I would have won – just like I would have been elected Governor of Illinois had I chosen to run in 2014. I chose not to run, but I’m still putting it on my resume because I would have won.) Look, I don’t have time for political correctness or “minimum word counts”. I tell it like it is in however many words it takes me to tell it.
We all know that my critics lie. They have absolutely no regard for the truth. They allege that I’ve said things like the British have big ears. For the record I never said that. They might retort “Yes you did – IT”S RIGHT THERE IN THE THIRD PARAGRAPH! I can only say that these people are all very, very unattractive – I’m told many of them have gonorrhea – I don’t know, but that’s what I hear. They may be sluts who indiscriminately spread sexually transmitted diseases, that’s all I’m sayin’.
One of my critics has gone so far as to say that my pen isn’t big enough to write well. That’s very, very mean. It’s disgraceful that anyone would lower the discourse of this campaign with such vile statements. I mean, we’re talking about a person who routinely has sex with farm animals, and I have proof of this which I will reveal at the appropriate time – it’s gonna be a blockbuster – you won’t believe how huge it will be. Then you’ll see this bestiality guy for what he is. For now, just take my word for it. By the way, for the record, my pen works just fine. Oh sure, it’s malfunctioned a time or two, but I’m told that happens to lots of guys and it’s perfectly normal.
In summary, here is my 3 point plan to make Fanstory great again. This gets complicated, you know on account of my superior intelligence and all, so follow along closely:
1. Now, things are unbelievably, apocalyptically, horrible.
2. I will make them great
3. There is no three – that’s how efficient I am.
There. I’m done. You may cheer now.
Also, Elizabeth, don’t forget to call me.
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