When Santa got pulled over by a booze-bus, late one night,
They took away his licence so he couldn't make his flight.
Oh, what a panic at the pole, the elves were in hysterics,
Till Mrs Sandy Claus cried out, "No need for atmospherics!"
"The task can't be so difficult, he's done it rolling drunk.
Let no one shirk, just get to work, load good stuff, not the junk.
Prioritise and organise; his system was pathetic.
Make sure you stack from front to back, and make it alphabetic.
You reindeer, get your antlers on. Stand over here in rows.
And, Rudolph, I'm half blinded -- can you dim that bloody nose!?"
The elves were swayed, they all obeyed; the reindeer did the same,
Though in the herd, a word was heard -- perhaps 'twas Blitzen's name.
The sleigh was packed, each parcel tracked, all ready for the trip.
God help the elf who slipped or slacked when Sandy cracked the whip!
The reindeer too, like wind they flew. Whoever would have guessed it?
She had a list, no house was missed, cos Sandy GPS'd it.
Some things were changed or re-arranged -- seems Sandy was too snooty
To clamber down a chimney lest she got her costume sooty.
No milk or cookies were consumed, no wine, no beer, no whisky -
The designated driver deemed they'd make her fat or frisky.
Each good child matched, each gift dispatched, and all in record time;
Around the world and back they twirled, to home in polar clime,
Where Santa had been very bad, his day off celebrated -
The elves and he, quite selfishly, were all inebriated.
Well, Mrs Claus, she did not pause, her voice grew harsh and squawky,
And to this day there's some folk say they heard her in Milwaukee!
"You drunken slob, I've done your job, and saved the family bacon,
And if you think that's cause to drink, you're very much mistaken.
I'll want, of course, a quick divorce -- no changing my decision.
You can't dispute my legal suit for property division.
I'm taking all the reindeer herd, I'll sell their hide for chamois;
And you can keep this freezing heap -- I'm moving to Miami!"
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Author Notes
Booze bus - I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but in Australia and New Zealand, this term refers to a mobile police unit set up to conduct random breath testing and apprehend drunk drivers.
Chamois - pronounced Shammy - soft, porous leather used as a cleaning cloth
Merry Christmas everyone!
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