Just Once
(Free Verse)
Sometimes
I touch the inner pain within
And then
it comes again
Deep
From the unhealed wound
in my soul
A latent legacy from my childhood
That yearning void
A desire
To be approved
To be loved
By my father
A stern man
Quick to anger
Hard to please
But mostly
A need to feel
Some worth
I recall these things
At unexpected moments
Whenever I see a father
And son interacting
In a positive way
It might be during a movie
Or watching a TV show
Or even out and about
Where people are doing
Their thing
Then the tears
That I don't want to
Even acknowledge exist
Stream from my eyes
I try to hold them back
I fight them back
But they come anyway
These unwanted feelings
That I thought I buried
Oh,
To only hear those words
Those words I tried
And tried
And tried
To elicite
But never came
Just once
But they never came
Not once
Would it have been too hard to hear?
Or
Maybe just feel?
These words
"I'm proud of you son"
Alas
Never
And now you are gone.
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Author Notes
Even though he died in 1986, the wounds are still there. This is his gravesite, with his second wife. The man who brutally beat me often with a belt. Who told me how stupid I am. Who said I was too dumb to go to college. Whose last words to me in the hospital before he died were "Will you shut up, your giving me a headache". Sorry. I just had to get it out.
BTW, I did graduate from college. I guess that was his method of motivation.
This photograph is by the author himself.
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