- Doorsby Lea Tonin1
This work has reached the exceptional level
With all doors closed the world decides for you.
: Doors by Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.
Bare of feet and fleet of foot
Dirt of hands and face of soot 
Heart of pain soul in twist
Born of hate the mallet fist
Bust the chains of silent fear 
Embrace the light of hope so near.
Grasp the rope with freedoms grip 
Fear and shame his plant I rip
I have enjoyed a wonderful feeling this day. A fabulous gift that no others were able to give so selflessly and with such understanding.
I must turn my mind back now to the task at hand.
She's still back there and I can't leave her alone.
I'm coming to a place in my life which is most difficult for me to talk about above and beyond the abuse I took. 
I think about the time when I made the biggest set of mistakes I could ever make.  I feel the shame of it even today. To not talk about it would leave a fundamental part of the effects of abuse out of this story.  
I'd be cheating myself and the reader of the story of harsh realities that can and do happen. 
So stay awhile...let's talk.  She's waiting...

I woke cold and stiff, still sitting up in that fold out chair. Someone draped a piece of old canvas on me as I slept which I then put aside. They were gone...the old fire smoking a little bit and on a rock beside it sat an apple and a small piece of paper tucked just under.

"We move around alot. The street's no place for a girl.  Good luck." The note said.

The night before came back to me. That big swig Brandy that knocked me out. Although my muscles were aching and I had a crick my neck I seemed to be ok.  At least I was dry.

I was able to think about the problem of where to go. The shock of the night before had worn off and the cobwebs had cleared.

I decided to walk back toward the house just to see what was going on and what the temperature check was there.

She did say not to come back. But, maybe she just meant for the night. I didn't know. She did tell me to get my clothes though. I bit into the apple and started to retrace my steps.

The sun was out shining its bright fiery face. It's warmth invigorated and enveloped me. A sharp contrast from the night before. 

Blue bells curtsied to the honey bees and opened their doors.  Beauty could never be contained even if all is ruined around it. I stole those moments to calm myself, bring a rhythm to my step. Warming rays banished my aches and pains to return me to pavement. Making my way up the side walks, people cast their glances on me. Not all of them pleasant. A bit like I was a refugee often overcrowded boat. 

I approached the house from the rear side street rather than from the front. I didn't know what to expect so better safe than sorry. Approaching the house I noticed a white cube van yellow tape pulled down that crossed the driveway.  I could see people coming and going from the house taking furniture, boxes and miscellaneous items then loaded them onto the truck. I didn't recognize the people at all. I took a chance and walked toward the yellow tape catching the attention of one of the men.

"Hi." I said. "Do you know the whereabouts of the people that lived here?"

"Nope, just told to come here pack and load. Sorry". He replied.

"Ok, thank you." I said while walking away. 

"Now what?" I thought."

A light went on. Before I came back to the house the night before, I was visiting a high school friend not far from here.

"Maybe she has some ideas." I thought.

There was nothing else to do I had to try. Coming to her house I walked up a few short steps and knocked on her screen door. Knocking one more time she cracked open the door. She looked a bit sleepy.

"Hey, what's up?" She asked."

"Can I come in and talk to you?" I asked.

"Um ya sure, come on in. You'll have to be quiet though. Mom works nights."

"Ok, no problem thanks." I answered.

"Want something to drink?"

"Sure"I said. "Thanks.  I'll just have what your having."

She popped the cap and passed me a coke. I told her how I ended up in that house And a bit about what happened before.

"Now I have no where to go. I don't know what to do." 

She thought about it for a minute.

"If I try to bring you in Mom will loose it. She doesn't like people." My heart fell like bricks.

"I did say she works nights though.  I'll sneak you in. There's space under the stairs. I'll put an air mattress in there give you a blanket and pillow. You'll have to stay in there when's she's home." My face sagged with relief. My body stopped quivering and my fingers stopped knotting themselves.

"Really? Thank you so much." I said.

"Tonight we're going out". She announced. "I'm going to show you a new way of keeping a roof over your head."

I wasn't so sure I liked the sound of that....

So a different page is turning for me then as one is for me now.
I'm not a shining gem. I've made plenty of mistakes. I stumbled through life blindly feeling my way along.
I look back on those mistakes and see them for what they were. Many would not. It doesn't change what happened.  Not my actions or my feelings about it.  It is a by product of systematic abuse. Physical and mental manipulation. How I saw and felt about myself was carved by them.
How do I feel today right now? Happy that I have friends that will hear me. Sad that I must point out all the things about this subject. Not just the ones that make me look courageous or smart but the bads one too.  The full picture, a well rounded view of tangled emotions, brain washing and decisions made of desperation and conditioning. 
Once more into the mire that was.  Wear galoshes. 

Author Notes
This chapter is part of book two an auto bio called Spectre. This and the first book called ghost can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. One note of caution. Some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.


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