Background
Woman marries con artist - gambler. He fakes his own kidnapping to cash in on his wifes friends.
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Q's untimely entrance falls into the category of an unforeseen event. A brief explanation of his prior movements and motivation is helpful at this juncture.
Q dislikes unfinished business. Jim's lame attempt to extort a cool mil from me based on friendship and sympathy put him directly in Q's crosshairs.
While Iris and I slept the night away, Q went hunting for Just Jim. Finding him was easy. He was right where Iris said he would be, at the St. Claire Hotel registered under his own name--a mastermind criminal, Just Jim was not.
The problem or solution, depending on how you see it; someone else beat Q to the punch. (no pun intended.) Q found him tied to a chair, beaten, and unconscious. Not known to pass up a perfect opportunity when it presents itself, Q removed one of Jim's ears. He chalked it up to poetic justice. It sounded better than revenge.
A short stop off at Iris's condo yielded the music box along with the fake ransom note. Except, his plan backfired. He'd not counted on the cops finding Iris so soon.
Q bounding into the living room with Jim's ear caused a chain of events worthy of an entire chapter in the Guinness Book of World records.
Detective Corbin, AKA Columbo, leaped to his feet and assumed the position. The combat position. Feet splayed, arms extended, both hands firmly grasping the handle of his firearm. It could have been a Kodak moment were it not for his trench coat wedged in his butt crack.
What I did not know until a lengthy courtship (two days) Detective Corbin suffers from a syndrome we've all come to know as "goosey." So, when Iris took hold of his trench coat and gave it a hearty yank, he reacted by discharging his firearm in the direction of my ceiling, sending fragments of plaster ricocheting across the room.
Dudley Canfield dropped his phone and took cover behind the couch.
Iris dropped to her knees, clutched her heart, and announced she'd been shot.
Q leaped forward, disarmed Columbo, and elbowed him in the groin. But not before tossing Just Jim's ear into the air where it landed in Q's fish tank occupied by one lone red-bellied piranha.
Recovering his composure, Dudley sprang into action and grabbed hold of Q's coveralls. A struggle ensued, the straps uncoupled from the bib, and the coveralls fell around Q's ankles -- thus answering my original question.
Q, now spectacularly naked, coiled his leg in a cobra stance and kicked Dudley in the chest, sending him hurtling into the doorway of the kitchen.
After much eww'ing and oww'ing, an ambulance arrived and carried Iris and Dudley to the hospital. With the absence of a gunshot wound, Iris diagnosed her chest pain as a possible heart attack. Dudley interpreted his chest pain as an assault and battery.
Detective Corbin decided not to call for backup. Two swollen testicles and a discharged weapon would dog him into retirement.
I fetched an ice pack for Detective Corbin's testicles. (Now affectionately referred to as Sigfred and Roy.) Q changed into a silk robe I bought him for Christmas. (The word scrumptious comes to mind.)
After a brief introduction, Q poured Corbin a whiskey neat. I opted for a scotch old-fashion. Somehow rolling a cherry around in my mouth with the stem between my teeth had a certain Je ne sais quoi.
Of course, Detective Corvin demanded answers, so we began the storytelling--some true, some lies, as all good stories go.
We stuck with the part about the kidnapping--no point in throwing Iris under the bus. When asked how he acquired the severed ear, Q claimed a man approached him in front of my door and hand-delivered the music box. (An absolute lie.)
And then we all looked at the fish tank. Detective Corbin rolled up his sleeve, determined to rescue the remainder of Jim's ear.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Jeff can't resist warm-blooded appendages," Q said.
"Who names a fish Jeff?" Corbin asked, continuing his rescue attempt with a long-handled skimming net.
"Dahmer, " Q said. "Jeffery Dahmer."
THE END (Thank goodness.)
