| General Script posted October 17, 2020 |
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Pons and Ned at a diner
Scene at a Diner 2
by Bill Schott
Previously: Ned: I lied about doughnuts once. Fed: I lie about doughnuts regularly. Hed: At the risk of affecting the high level of our informal chat, I would like to know more about this doughnut movie. Pons: (sighing with a smile) Okay, fellas. The movie is The Dirty Dozen Doughnuts. Characters: Pons = bright dude Ned = dimmer Fed = rotund fellow Hed = brainy Server = central casting The scene continues in a diner. Four men are sitting in a concave booth at center stage. Ned: Gee, Pons. The Nutty Dozen Towheads sounds like it's a remake a one a them big fambly movies. Fed: He didn't say towheads, Ned; he said A Nutty Nerdy Toe-nut. Hed: (scoffs) It is amazing that you two can feed yourselves. He clearly said the film was entitled The Dirty Dozen Doughnuts. Pons: Thank you, Hed. Ned: Y'know, I bin feedin' myself a long time there, Hed. Fed: (downcast) Then there aren't any doughnuts? Hed: Clearly the film is an updated version of the classic story of World War II convicts performing a suicidal mission behind enemy lines. Pons: Exactly, Hed. A server approaches the table. Server: May I take your orders? Ned: I'm hankerin' fer a big ol' doughnut. Server: A doughnut? Fed: I'll have a dozen. Server: Doughnuts? Hed: Are your saltine crackers complementary? Server: Yes, but we don't serve doughnuts here. Pons: They're just kidding. We'd like the special of the day and it's on me. Server: The special is fried cow tongue with peas and carrots. Ned: Hoo hoo! My fav'rite food and fer free. Fed: Cow dung! People eat that? (considering a moment) It's on Pons, so, I'll give it a try. Hed: He said tongue, Fed. Geez! Who in the world would eat cow dung? Ned: Sounds like Fed here'd like a plate. Pons: Tongue please. Hold the dung. Hed: What about this movie, Pons? Pons: (Grinning) Right! Okay, so the movie is about a Navy Seal baker who has to go into Afghanistan to eat a dozen doughnuts. Ned: Bet them doughnuts're dirtier'n a doughnut otter be. Fed: I suppose a little dirt on otherwise delicious doughnuts isn't so bad. Hed: Even preferred, Fed. Geophagy allows that it's the dirt you really want. Pons: Well, the baker needed cook convicts to go with him on what would be a one-way trip. Ned: Who's Jeffrey, Hed? Fed: Must be a dirt connoisseur. Hed: I said Geophagy, which is the act of eating dirt. Pons: As the story goes on, the cook convicts are sidelined, one at a time, trying to get all of the doughnuts eaten. Fed: I smell Oscar. Server: No, sir. Oscar got off at noon. It's me that stinks. Pons: Well, then comes the big finale. To be continued...
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