| General Script
posted October 17, 2020
Pons and Ned at a diner
Ned: I lied about doughnuts once.
Fed: I lie about doughnuts regularly.
Hed: At the risk of affecting the high level of our informal chat, I would like to know more about this doughnut movie.
Pons: (sighing with a smile) Okay, fellas. The movie is The Dirty Dozen Doughnuts.
Pons = bright dude
Ned = dimmer
Fed = rotund fellow
Hed = brainy
Server = central casting
The scene continues in a diner. Four men are sitting in a concave booth at center stage.
Ned: Gee, Pons. The Nutty Dozen Towheads sounds like it's a remake a one a them big fambly movies.
Fed: He didn't say towheads, Ned; he said A Nutty Nerdy Toe-nut.
Hed: (scoffs) It is amazing that you two can feed yourselves. He clearly said the film was entitled The Dirty Dozen Doughnuts.
Pons: Thank you, Hed.
Ned: Y'know, I bin feedin' myself a long time there, Hed.
Fed: (downcast) Then there aren't any doughnuts?
Hed: Clearly the film is an updated version of the classic story of World War II convicts performing a suicidal mission behind enemy lines.
Pons: Exactly, Hed.
A server approaches the table.
Server: May I take your orders?
Ned: I'm hankerin' fer a big ol' doughnut.
Server: A doughnut?
Fed: I'll have a dozen.
Hed: Are your saltine crackers complementary?
Server: Yes, but we don't serve doughnuts here.
Pons: They're just kidding. We'd like the special of the day and it's on me.
Server: The special is fried cow tongue with peas and carrots.
Ned: Hoo hoo! My fav'rite food and fer free.
Fed: Cow dung! People eat that? (considering a moment) It's on Pons, so, I'll give it a try.
Hed: He said tongue, Fed. Geez! Who in the world would eat cow dung?
Ned: Sounds like Fed here'd like a plate.
Pons: Tongue please. Hold the dung.
Hed: What about this movie, Pons?
Pons: (Grinning) Right! Okay, so the movie is about a Navy Seal baker who has to go into Afghanistan to eat a dozen doughnuts.
Ned: Bet them doughnuts're dirtier'n a doughnut otter be.
Fed: I suppose a little dirt on otherwise delicious doughnuts isn't so bad.
Hed: Even preferred, Fed. Geophagy allows that it's the dirt you really want.
Pons: Well, the baker needed cook convicts to go with him on what would be a one-way trip.
Ned: Who's Jeffrey, Hed?
Fed: Must be a dirt connoisseur.
Hed: I said Geophagy, which is the act of eating dirt.
Pons: As the story goes on, the cook convicts are sidelined, one at a time, trying to get all of the doughnuts eaten.
Fed: I smell Oscar.
Server: No, sir. Oscar got off at noon. It's me that stinks..
Pons: Well then comes the big finale.
To be continued...
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