General Script posted October 17, 2020

Pons and Ned at a diner

Scene at a Diner 2

by Bill Schott

Ned: I lied about doughnuts once. 

Fed: I lie about doughnuts regularly.

Hed: At the risk of affecting the high level of our informal chat, I would like to know more about this doughnut movie.

Pons: (
sighing with a smile) Okay, fellas. The movie is The Dirty Dozen Doughnuts.

Pons = bright dude
Ned = dimmer
Fed = rotund fellow
Hed = brainy
Server = central casting

The scene continues in a diner. Four men are sitting in a concave booth at center stage.

Ned: Gee, Pons. The Nutty Dozen Towheads sounds like it's a remake a one a them big fambly movies.

Fed: He didn't say towheads, Ned; he said A Nutty Nerdy Toe-nut.

Hed: (
scoffs) It is amazing that you two can feed yourselves. He clearly said the film was entitled The Dirty Dozen Doughnuts. 

Pons: Thank you, Hed.

Ned: Y'know, I bin feedin' myself a long time there, Hed.

Fed: (
downcast) Then there aren't any doughnuts?

Hed: Clearly the film is an updated version of the classic story of World War II convicts performing a suicidal mission behind enemy lines.

Pons: Exactly, Hed. 

A server approaches the table.

Server:  May I take your orders?

Ned: I'm hankerin' fer a big ol' doughnut.

Server: A doughnut?

Fed: I'll have a dozen.

Server: Doughnuts?

Hed: Are your saltine crackers complementary?

Server: Yes, but we don't serve doughnuts here. 

Pons: They're just kidding. We'd like the special of the day and it's on me.

Server: The special is fried cow tongue with peas and carrots.

Ned: Hoo hoo! My fav'rite food and fer free. 

Fed: Cow dung! People eat that? (
considering a moment) It's on Pons, so, I'll give it a try.

Hed: He said tongue, Fed. Geez! Who in the world would eat  cow dung? 

Ned: Sounds like Fed here'd like a plate.

Pons: Tongue please. Hold the dung. 

Hed: What about this movie, Pons?

Pons: (
Grinning) Right! Okay, so the movie is about a Navy Seal baker who has to go into Afghanistan to eat a dozen doughnuts.

Ned: Bet them doughnuts're dirtier'n a doughnut otter be. 

Fed: I suppose a little dirt on otherwise delicious doughnuts isn't so bad. 

Hed: Even preferred, Fed. Geophagy allows that it's the dirt you really want. 

Pons: Well, the baker needed cook convicts to go with him on what would be a one-way trip. 

Ned: Who's Jeffrey, Hed?

Fed: Must be a dirt connoisseur.  

Hed: I said Geophagy, which is the act of eating dirt. 

Pons: As the story goes on, the cook convicts are sidelined, one at a time, trying to get all of the doughnuts eaten.

Fed: I smell Oscar.

Server: No, sir. Oscar got off at noon. It's me that stinks.. 

Pons: Well then comes the big finale.

To be continued...

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