Remembering those memories from before ... of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, his chubby face ... full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles loved by all,
year after year ...

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts ... feeling a tight knot form in my throat ... from hateful impressions ... molded by haters ... who saw me as naught ...

The measure of unfathomed love inside me ... would have filled close to one thousand worlds ...

My son was my smile simply because ... I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...


but smiles fade ... life's tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain, otherwise there would be nothing to gain ...


For reasons I can't imagine ... liars and haters galore wouldn't leave my mind ... stress magnified probably close to one million times ... I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life ... it wouldn't have mattered ... haters never care about the truth even if they believe they see, they will still just hate ... and
then lie ...

... so ...

... nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me ...


Our hearts, our safety, our midnight talks, our daily schedule, our family as we knew it, my washing his socks, his Taekwondo lessons, our dream, him getting grounded, me getting onto him to do his
homework ...

... EVERYTHING THAT WE'D KNOWN was gone and stolen outright ... just like that our life was forever removed ... those cowards who did this think they know me and one day they will see -- I damn sure will still have something MAJOR to prove ...

Karma will have her day ... she will come on them like a flood and she will make their time as nasty as they made ours that day ... I wish we could've found another way ...

After that monumental criminal attack ...
I didn't allow anyone passage into my heart and not my soul because of haters and fakers through and through ... they are users and because of them ...

I was beginning to grow cold ...


.. Remembering precious memories before ...

... of his many first days at school ... the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt when I looked at him ...

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way ... years down the road

... It would never

again ... be okay ...

... in fact ...

... suddenly ...


... Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze ...


... transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near ... stunned in the sense that life was unfair ...

... crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with many
frightened tears ...

There was to be no relief in sight ... no solace ... after our smiles were reversed ... I prayed to God, "Please lift this curse ..."


... If only I had known ...


What in the hell, if I would have known then ... Wth would I have done?


... Remembering memories before ...


... of the beginning teenage years ... the person he was yet to be ... yet the baby that was right here staring with his trusting eyes that gazed straight through me ...


... Remembering ...


... It hurts ...


... it's killing me that I am the cause of our dream shutting down ... I hurt him with my addiction years before and then ... this had to happen to us by taking one more dream away ... my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day ...

it's painful to look back, yet ... those memories ... from years before ... were all that I had about our life that I still very much
adored ...


I miss the life that was ruthlessly ...

viciously taken from us and it's safe to say ... I feel like my son probably feels the same way ...

I'm not sure if I will ever be free of the cloud holding ... guilt, regret and pain ... it comes around less often than it did at the start ... I never wanted pity ...


I totally feel deserving of being screwed by those freaks I hate ... riding that cloud ever since my son and I had ...

... no choice but to part ways ...


... Suffocating ...


I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains ...


while I recall ...


... cherished recollections ...


... from priceless moments before ...


chains from unmemorized tunes ... playing furiously in the
silent night misty dunes ...

... complete brokenness ...


regret ...


guilt ...


tears ...


self hate ...


... I was beginning to feel the pain maximize ... from times featuring major dull aching thuds that crashed through my defenses while holding back several tons of undiscovered
tears ...


Frightened ...


foreboding ...


heaviness ...


... black hearts that clinch my soul ...


... penetrating ...

sliding gracefully ...

closer ...

Until it settles into the core of your essence ...

... crippling emotional pain ...


... awakens ...


... my sOuL ...


"God" I cried, as my tear stained face looked up toward the late night
eerie sky ...

"Please don't let my little boy lose his love for me ... If that ever happened, I'd surely whither and die" . .

I knew he would be moving out soon, as was I, there was no other choice ... my stomach churned violently and thoughts swarming my brain ... Of far away wishes, prayers and
dreams ...

... haters would soon claim their
win ...


... avoidance was futile ...


... God saw it best to take
my sweet boy away ... from my care ...


soon after that ...

It was for his best ...
I was aware ... Grateful I was for the angel family that came from God out of nowhere ...

I knew that I wanted my boy to stay with me, "That's not an option dammit" ...
I cried inside ... it was for his best and he would be safe I knew ... in their
care ...

that didn't stop me from dying inside and feeling ...


slicing pain ...


carefully imploding
... behind the space reserved that I'd eventually claim ...


... wait ...
My heart screamed

"He can't be alone and neither can I ...
I need him too much" was my silent, screaming -- loud heart's cry ...


ringing ...


echoing in my head like a trumpet
blast ...

"Ohhh please Lord ... go with him ...

please keep him free ...

from heartache and pain and give it all to me ... Let him be free to be all he can possibly ever be ..."

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate ... Never before had I felt this disgrace ...

I almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain my boy must have felt and was surely in fear ... surely he was wanting his mom ... he had to be scared ... thinking with that fear ... simply because I was no longer there ...

How could I hold up ... after I'd allowed his world to be ... ripped ... ferociously into shreds?

I would somehow make it right ... praying hard ... with all of my might ... praying and pleading ... hoping God would agree ...

I never again turned to drugs not after my heart was ripped savagely away, don't you see ...

... of course rumors flew through town ... I was doing everything ... the cowards cried, from drugs and God knows what else ...

But to myself I would say, after hearing those lies ...

I tell myself, "I cannot fall again" ...

Determination ...

I wouldn't have him hurting because I'd let him down ...

... not after this ...
I would from now on refrain ...

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN -- FILLING ME WITH
UNMANAGEABLE DISDAIN ...

I silently promised my son ... that I loved him beyond infinity plus one ...

I would do anything to make it right ...

I never should've invited the devil in to our home of
dreams ... I was only trying to help ...


I was played well ...


... I never recognized the evil scheme ...


It caused me to want to run back into my shell ...


Fear and regret were partners in crime ...


... attacking me ...


... haunting my mind


... bringing confusion ...


confusion brought guilt ...


guilt filled me with pain ...


apparently the poison from that had beat me down more yet again ...

As I dissolved into tears ... Feeling myself break inside, I would never be the same ...

But in my heart I claimed, that my boy wouldn't go through this hell ... I told myself, "No, not in vain" ...

... How would I manage ... I didn't have a clue ... I was shutting down ... inside paralyzed ... such raw emotions had demolished my sOuL ...

"I cannot stand this, God ... please let this all be a bad dream" ...

Signs of the trauma showed all over my face and could be felt by my bones and my mind in its own place ... I need my son ... I'm determined and ready to plead my case ...

"My precious sweet son ... I make you this promise that I will hold you inside ... so very tight until the time arrives when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like ... find you a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week and maybe start a real family game night ... Until then, my son, please don't depart just stay with me ... inside, because ...

"You are forever... enclosed in my heart"

...he is close by ... in my heart ...

My heart slowly shattered just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away ...

instead ...

... they hardened inside ... there was only one thing that I knew would work ... and that meant get down on my knees and pray for these jerks ...


... instead ...

those enhanced pieces of hardened heart, of far away taunts, unspeakable whispers, telling tales ...

... creative yet silent muses, restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray

... while

... ignoring the dark places we had just barely survived with the hell I let inside ... swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud ...


patiently I await ...


Go away crazy jumbled thoughts
... I'm shaky ... while being carried away by ping pong ideas ... animated not making sense ...

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks ... I didn't know then ... that our family reunion would never take place ...

... not one has a clue ...

the extent of our pain ... that we felt intensely on that very dark day ...

massive guilt covered me ...
sticking around and felt like it weighed close to one hundred million and thousand pounds ...

Missing his face ... hurting so bad because I knew he was better off without me in his life ...


... hateful dark thoughts ...


unnerved me ... taunting me with words that said ...

I didn't deserve a place in his life ... I didn't deserve to even be alive ...

though I believed those black thoughts were right ... I pushed through them daily while ignoring the shame and still nothing came through ... no job ... nothing at all ... but ... I couldn't give up nor would I give in ... it was hard as hell ... I felt very small ...

... during those next few ... quite challenging and detestable years ...
I never could seem to get up in this world as I'd
feared ...

REGRET still haunts me ... I miss my precious baby and I love him so ...

... tears ...


guilt ...


pain ...


fear ...


filled up my time during the next few years ...


... memories ...


remembering ...


The unbelievable hell I'd gone through because of those haters I recalled ... would prove that I had no choice, but to be tough and not allow any more memories be
stalled ...


... Remembering memories before ...


They would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away ...


... never to be forgotten ...


... Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it each and every
single day ...

I own all my wrongs ... I would just like this chance -- for his permission, you see ... for my boy now to get to really know me ...


... again ...


... the real me ...


... The woman I am now is who he should have had as a mom ... I have such a desire and hard drive to show him ...


... how I can inspire and still be ...


... who I should have been all along ...


... Do I dare hope?


... Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own ...


... my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day ... that started from
home ...

... I hope my son knows this -- I've loved him fiercely ever since he's been gone ...


... Although my feelings may not have been shown ...


... in order to completely stake my claim, considering I'm grown ...


.... OMG screw haters that say I'd been living lies ... sleeping around ... smoking dope ... I am so sick of being accused of things I don't do just because I was an addict ... I shouldn't be believed ...
Not just judged ... juried and convicted ...

Don't y'all see,
how unfair that can be ... They wouldn't see the truth if it was right in front of their eyes ...

All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean ... I really just want to be free ... free to finally be me ...

... Damn these thoughts ...

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me ... through the years ... he needed me most ...

... That's why I took all the violent abuse that showed up in my life ...

from different people and in distinct harmful ways ...

I just tried to survive ...


... SELF DESTRUCTION ...


Everyone, including myself, thought I'd gotten what I deserved ... Still, I catch guilt ... It tries to pull me in vehemently ...

... away from his
heart ...

Ohhh God I MISS MY BABY BOY SO BAD ...

REMEMBERING ...

... I just wasn't the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved -- but ... I always silently craved myself
to be ...

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past would hold onto him through all the stars that the sky surpassed ...

Most have said that I didn't care because of the road I mistakingly chose

... and that's why our tragedy took place

... smmfh ...

No ... it was because I helped the wrong one, but I thought I was doing right ...

But, those haters didn't know me like that nor did they care to see the real me inside -- saying hateful things ... they were judgemental and assuming when

... all I did was care so damn much inside
... where I will forever cry ...

Where no one can see ...

"My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever ... on the inside of me!"

*written for my amazing son -
You are forever
my hero;-)