February 15, 2020 Saturday 4:32 p.m.

Hi Abba, I was working out and all of a sudden a wave of grief
slammed into me. I am not used to this and it takes me off guard
every time. I received a text from my sister, Judi. She’d gone
over to see Mom today. Apparently Daddy slept in bed all day
yesterday, and he was sleeping when Judi went over. "It’s so hard
to see him just laying around." She said, "Mom looked so sad. We
hugged and cried." 

I guess that conversation was on my heart while I worked out. The
thought, I won’t have a home anymore, flashed through my heart.
We are in the process of moving them into a retirement place.

Where will we stay when we visit?

And it’s not even about that so much, it’s what home used to be.
It will be so different. Lord, my heart hurts. I don’t like this pain. I
know your heart broke when Jesus died on the cross. I know it
breaks when anyone dies. This was not part of Your plan for
Your children.

We had a fabulous Valentines Day. I decorated the house, something
Mom did every Holiday. It’s a comforting memory and I enjoy it, it
makes the Holiday’s feel more festive. 

Todd fixed King Crab legs and asparagus. His gift to me was making
dinner. I loved my gift! He hasn't done that in a l-o-n-g time. He
prayed the sweetest prayer, thanking You Lord, for all You’re doing
in our lives and growing our love. I felt so special. It was really nice
and the food was delicious. The rest of the evening was fantastic!
Best Valentines we’ve had.

Coming off such a fun day and then hearing from my sister about
my parents brought all that fear and worry back.

“We don’t need to focus on the negative,” Todd said. "When your
Dad passes, we will deal with it then. For now, I’m believing and
praying for a miracle. I mean, he’s just had surgery and then hurt
himself again with that fall. It’s going to take time.”

I sighed, he’s right. “I think I need to monitor the texts I read from
them,” I replied. "They tend to get worked up and then I get
worked up."

I'm trying to believe for a miracle, understanding that he could die
soon, but he could live a few more years. I need to refocus. I’ve
never walked greif's road, to this degree, before. It's a learning
experience. One I do not want to get good at, Lord. Ha ha.

I called Daddy yesterday. I knew I’d be sad if I didn’t call him this
Valentine’s and I couldn’t next. I’d woke him up, but he kept telling
me he would fall right back to sleep.

“Daddy, you did such a good job of treating your girls right. I
remember those tiny boxes of chocolates that you got us every
year. I loved those!”

“Yeah, I tried.”

“Well you did a wonderful job, Dad”

It wasn’t just Valentines Day either. On Easter and Mother’s Day
he’d give us girls a corsage, Mom too. I remember looking in the
fridge at the flowers in their plastic boxes. I felt like a Queen. I saw
Dad’s pride for his girls when he showed us all off. He loved us and
I basked in that glow. 

Funny the things you don’t hold dear until something like this
happens.

Lord, You’re in control. But I am so ready for Your return.