February 10, 2020 Monday 6:33 p.m.

Lord, Todd and I are being ‘tested’. You've been talking to us about
guarding our hearts and You will in turn, take care of everything else.
When you’ve lived fifty plus years worrying and trying to control life, 
it isn’t easy to suddenly stop worrying. But we both want to. 

Lord, it’s really hard for me to see Todd struggling. He confided
in me at dinner that he feels ‘off’. He just did a beautiful painting,
gorgeous. He was happy with it and then this morning he woke
up and said, “I feel like it’s not good at all. Do you think I’m ready
to enter the Prix de West show?’ 

Lord, You know I really feel he’s ready. He’s so talented. More
than he even knows. Help him to have Your wisdom and peace.

I got a text from my sister, Judi this afternoon.

“Hey so I invited mom and dad to lunch. So nice to have them
here. Dad said he’s not sure he wants to do radiation and chemo.
I said again, that whatever he decides if fine. He prayed for
lunch and choked up a little. He’s been pretty emotional lately...
Mom seems to be doing well. Jordan is going to go put some
hand bars in the shower for dad.”

I found myself excited by this news. I’ve really been praying about
Dad’s cancer treatments. I’ve felt all along this wasn’t a good route,
but chose to support him with his choice.

I called Daddy. Yep, I wasn’t even afraid! He answered right away.

“Hey, Daddy. I hope I didn’t wake you up again…”

“It’s ok.”

“I got a text from Judi. She said you’re thinking of not doing chemo
and radiation. I just want you to know that I am so okay with that.
Todd and I have been praying about your treatments and I don’t
know? I have peace about this, Dad.”

“Yeah, I have peace about it, too. I’ve been praying about it. I
talked to a man last night at the theater and he had the same
cancer I do. He did the chemo and radiation treatments the
Doctor wants me to do, and he said he’s been weak and sick
everyday. He also said he’s only been out of the house twice
in one year. I just don’t want that.”

“Yeah, that’s not quality of life, Daddy.”

“I’ve not decided for sure, but that’s what I’m thinking. I have
others to think about.”

I knew he was speaking about Mom and us girls. 

I got a text from Beth after I got off the phone. 

“I spoke with Dad and Mom this afternoon. We talked about this
too. I told him the same thing Judi. It was a sweet, calm conversation.
I cried a lot when I hung up.”

Christi replied: “I’m very sad. I thought I was ok with him saying no,
but now I’m kinda a mess.”

After I read their responses, I wondered why I had such peace.
I didn’t feel like crying. I don’t know? I just know that I felt calm
about this choice. Whether Daddy goes to Heaven or is healed
and stays with us for years to come, I have peace. I’ll take it
and ride it as long as I can.

Thank You, Abba. I’ve strived for a lot of things in my life, but I’m
finding that peace is number one. I want that more than anything else.

11:22 p.m. W-o-w, okay! So my sisters are texting in a group text.
Each one sharing how they feel about Dad’s decision to possibly not
do chemo and radiation. It turns out that Mom and Dad want to move
into a retirement place. Judi put them on the waiting list today.

Sigh, that makes me so sad. Such drastic changes so quickly. I
shook my head, trying to somehow put my mind “right”. 

When we go home, where will we stay? 

I try to imagine my Dad in a retirement apartment. It feels like the
‘jumping off’ place. Just waiting to die. UGH. Why did this have to
happen? I can’t imagine Mom doing well without him. They are o-n-e.
I don’t see them as two people. My Dad still flirts with Mom. Chases
her around the house trying to pinch her butt. They are so adorable 
together. I love how my Dad loves Mom. 

Lord, help me walk this new normal road. I crawl up on Your lap and
bury my face in Your chest. Hold me tight. Let me feel Your presence.
You love me. You will never let me go.