January 16, 202O Thursday, 8:18 p.m. My anxiety has taken
on a new form. I’ve never really understood it, and I used to
believe that if people just ‘sucked it up’ they’d get better.
How wrong I was!

The worst I’ve had was about a month ago. I was suicidal.
It was on my mind all the time. I’d catch myself walking
around the house and thinking of different ways to kill
myself and what I’d say in my suicide letter. 

I mentioned this to my best friend who said, ”I’m really
worried about you, Becca.”

She’s not given to theatrics so I took note. I told my ND
who gave me some natural remedies that really helped…
until today. I'd filled out an application online. I haven’t
worked outside the home in twenty-plus years. I'm really
nervous.

Then I had to go to the store to try and find new eye-glass
frames for bifocals (felt old). When I got home and told my
husband I found a pair I liked, he got upset because they
would cost around three hundred dollars if I bought them
there. He only wanted me to try on one’s similar to those 
online.

The misunderstanding upset me, I always try to please him,
I want him to be proud of me, and I know he is. Maybe I’m
more upset because I overacted and yelled at him? IDK? 

I knew I was acting out of character but didn’t stop to take an
‘emotional check.’ He invited me to go workout with him at the
gym. I didn’t want to be around him at that point because I
didn't trust my behavior. He left and I made lunch. I suddenly 
felt waves of nausea wash over me. The room was spinning,
I felt like I'd pass out. It scared me. I put down my food and
called my best friend.

“Gail, Is this a good time to talk?“

“Yes.”

“I need to process. I don’t know what’s wrong with me?”

I just started to talk, and talk and talk. She’s a great listener
and I love her dearly. She’s not afraid to tell me what’s what
and she’s earned the right to speak into my life. I felt better
after talking to her.

Later, I saw a photo my sister had posted of my parents.
She’d bought them a cap that says, “God is good, all the
time.” Daddy was wearing his own clothes lying in the
hospital bed, Mom by his side. It's wierd to see him looking
so normal, with all that is going on.

I was watching a movie with Todd when another wave of
nausea washed over me. My head hurt and I felt depressed.

"Are you ok?" Todd asked.

"I don't know? I feel weird. My head hurts, I'm nauseous.
I feel like I could pas out. I hate this feeling."

“Just try and think good thoughts.”

I got quiet. Bless his heart, he doesn’t understand.

“Do you need a hug?” 

I couldn’t even answer, I just shrugged my shoulders.
He got up to hug me. I just sat in my chair. I felt bad
but also misunderstood.

“Are you ok?”

“I feel like you don’t get it. I’ve never had anxiety like this.
I was thinking of canceling my appointment with the Dr.
tomorrow for my anxiety med.’s, but now I think I better go.”

“Well, yeah, you should go,” he replied.

The majority of my fear is memories of past abuse surfacing.
With Daddy fighting cancer, my life’s been dumped upside
down. My safety nets blown out of the water. I’ve never felt
safe. Childhood sexual abuse has left me scared. I feel like
things are trying to come up that I am trying so hard to
keep down. 

But...in keeping them down, I can’t heal… UGH, Lord, help me.