| Humor Fiction posted December 22, 2019 |
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Contest entry
Last Christmas Eve
by DragonSkulls
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
Santa's chief sleigh designer, Ferdinand the third, looked up at him and asked, "Are you sure you want to do this, sir? Are the risks you take still worth it?"
"Damn it, you silly little elf, there's still children on the 'nice' list who deserve these presents! As long as I have breath, I will not let them down! Never ask me that again! Is the sleigh ready with all the upgrades I requested?"
"Yes, it is, sir. Do you want to go over the control panel one more time?"
"No, I got this."
"The reindeer are harnessed and ready, sir."
Santa walked out in front of Rudolph, turned and faced his team. "You boys ready to kick some ass?" They all stomped their hooves and snorted. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Santa slapped Rudolph on the hind end as he passed and jumped in the sleigh.
Two big red bags sat in the seat behind him. Two buff elves in green and red body armor stood on the inner sides of the sled's framework. "How 'bout you bad-ass bitches? You ready to get it?"
They fist bumped Santa simultaneously. "You know it!"
Santa turned, grabbed the reins and cracked them like a whip. "Let's roll, Rudolph!"
A wake of snow chased them down the frozen street until they charged into the air. Carol Claus waved and blew a kiss to her husband as they flew over. "Love you, babes!" she shouted.
Most of the world was a cakewalk. The presents were delivered with no problems at all. But Santa knew what awaited. Over the years, though, he's grown to live for this...the excitement, the rush, the adrenaline pumping through his veins. He yelled, "YES!" as he streaked over the White House. It was mere seconds and the jets were on his tail.
Surely he was captured on the radar long before he reached the no-fly zone. The planes' response time was actually two seconds quicker than the year before. The fly team, code named Noel, an elite and highly classified unit, trained unforgiving, countless hours just for this night. This year they were going to take that Santa Claus down.
The squad leader locked onto his target and fired two heat seeking AAM missiles. Traveling at Mach two, Rudolph cornered the Washington Monument as Santa deployed the first round of countermeasure flares that burst into a Christmassy, multi-colored light show. One of the missiles detonated within the flares. The pilot watched in horror as the other missile veered then nailed the Washington Monument. The three jets banked left around the treasured structure, avoiding the crumbling debris. Santa looked back over his shoulder and bellowed, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
He yanked on the left rein and sent the reindeer into a barrel role dive to avoid the spewing machine gun fire from the lead jet fighter. He leveled out, leaned over and waved at his reflection in the Reflecting Pool. The speed of the sleigh skimming the pool created a massive water wall behind him. With the lead pilot's view obscured, his miscalculations plunged the nose of the aircraft into the pool. Santa pitched the sleigh straight up as the jet flipped eight times before exploding into the Lincoln Memorial. "That's what you get, Billy, for being on the naughty list," Santa yelled.
He was determined. Little Suzie Wellington was going to get her doll no matter who had to die for it to happen.
The two remaining planes executed the U-turn behind him. That's when the elves opened one of the red sacks and manned the Browning .50 caliber machine gun. Then Santa shouted, "Take those bastards out!"
From the rear of the sleigh, one elf fed the ammo while the other targeted the trailing jets. Countless red and green tracer rounds tore through the darkness. The front jet locked on and fired its first missile. Within five feet of the plane, one of the bullets pierced the projectile. The explosion disintegrated the front half of the aircraft. The last plane turned to avoid a midair collision. Santa used this opportunity and maneuvered behind it. The destroyed plane hurled to the ground, brutally crashing through the roof of the Smithsonian Institute before bursting into a colossal fireball.
The final pilot used every evasive move she knew, yet couldn't get Santa off her tail. Santa yelled, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you crash that jet tonight?"
Santa cracked the reins for speed and in an instant Rudolph was over the plane's cockpit. The red-nosed reindeer loudly grunted and intensely illuminated the entire atmosphere, severely blinding the pilot. She had no choice but to eject. The plane nose-dived and spun out of control, plowing directly into a fully occupied Holiday Inn Express. Santa circled back around as her parachute floated to the ground. He slowed down and mockingly laughed, "Better luck next year, Wendy!"
Four blocks away, little Suzie's doll was delivered. Then Santa raced across the sky towards home.
Walking into his house, he found his wife snugly wrapped in her new baby seal stole that he got her for Christmas.
"You're home early this year," said Mrs. Claus.
"Well, long story short, that's what happens when there's only thirty nine kids still left on the 'nice' list."
Name that Christmas Movie Contest contest entry
Santa's chief sleigh designer, Ferdinand the third, looked up at him and asked, "Are you sure you want to do this, sir? Are the risks you take still worth it?"
"Damn it, you silly little elf, there's still children on the 'nice' list who deserve these presents! As long as I have breath, I will not let them down! Never ask me that again! Is the sleigh ready with all the upgrades I requested?"
"Yes, it is, sir. Do you want to go over the control panel one more time?"
"No, I got this."
"The reindeer are harnessed and ready, sir."
Santa walked out in front of Rudolph, turned and faced his team. "You boys ready to kick some ass?" They all stomped their hooves and snorted. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Santa slapped Rudolph on the hind end as he passed and jumped in the sleigh.
Two big red bags sat in the seat behind him. Two buff elves in green and red body armor stood on the inner sides of the sled's framework. "How 'bout you bad-ass bitches? You ready to get it?"
They fist bumped Santa simultaneously. "You know it!"
Santa turned, grabbed the reins and cracked them like a whip. "Let's roll, Rudolph!"
A wake of snow chased them down the frozen street until they charged into the air. Carol Claus waved and blew a kiss to her husband as they flew over. "Love you, babes!" she shouted.
Most of the world was a cakewalk. The presents were delivered with no problems at all. But Santa knew what awaited. Over the years, though, he's grown to live for this...the excitement, the rush, the adrenaline pumping through his veins. He yelled, "YES!" as he streaked over the White House. It was mere seconds and the jets were on his tail.
Surely he was captured on the radar long before he reached the no-fly zone. The planes' response time was actually two seconds quicker than the year before. The fly team, code named Noel, an elite and highly classified unit, trained unforgiving, countless hours just for this night. This year they were going to take that Santa Claus down.
The squad leader locked onto his target and fired two heat seeking AAM missiles. Traveling at Mach two, Rudolph cornered the Washington Monument as Santa deployed the first round of countermeasure flares that burst into a Christmassy, multi-colored light show. One of the missiles detonated within the flares. The pilot watched in horror as the other missile veered then nailed the Washington Monument. The three jets banked left around the treasured structure, avoiding the crumbling debris. Santa looked back over his shoulder and bellowed, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
He yanked on the left rein and sent the reindeer into a barrel role dive to avoid the spewing machine gun fire from the lead jet fighter. He leveled out, leaned over and waved at his reflection in the Reflecting Pool. The speed of the sleigh skimming the pool created a massive water wall behind him. With the lead pilot's view obscured, his miscalculations plunged the nose of the aircraft into the pool. Santa pitched the sleigh straight up as the jet flipped eight times before exploding into the Lincoln Memorial. "That's what you get, Billy, for being on the naughty list," Santa yelled.
He was determined. Little Suzie Wellington was going to get her doll no matter who had to die for it to happen.
The two remaining planes executed the U-turn behind him. That's when the elves opened one of the red sacks and manned the Browning .50 caliber machine gun. Then Santa shouted, "Take those bastards out!"
From the rear of the sleigh, one elf fed the ammo while the other targeted the trailing jets. Countless red and green tracer rounds tore through the darkness. The front jet locked on and fired its first missile. Within five feet of the plane, one of the bullets pierced the projectile. The explosion disintegrated the front half of the aircraft. The last plane turned to avoid a midair collision. Santa used this opportunity and maneuvered behind it. The destroyed plane hurled to the ground, brutally crashing through the roof of the Smithsonian Institute before bursting into a colossal fireball.
The final pilot used every evasive move she knew, yet couldn't get Santa off her tail. Santa yelled, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you crash that jet tonight?"
Santa cracked the reins for speed and in an instant Rudolph was over the plane's cockpit. The red-nosed reindeer loudly grunted and intensely illuminated the entire atmosphere, severely blinding the pilot. She had no choice but to eject. The plane nose-dived and spun out of control, plowing directly into a fully occupied Holiday Inn Express. Santa circled back around as her parachute floated to the ground. He slowed down and mockingly laughed, "Better luck next year, Wendy!"
Four blocks away, little Suzie's doll was delivered. Then Santa raced across the sky towards home.
Walking into his house, he found his wife snugly wrapped in her new baby seal stole that he got her for Christmas.
"You're home early this year," said Mrs. Claus.
"Well, long story short, that's what happens when there's only thirty nine kids still left on the 'nice' list."
I created this silly picture myself from numerous different Google Images.
The words I used are:
Bad, street, carol, babes, white, planes, corner, die, before, red-nosed, inn, express, stole, story.
AAM means Air to Air Missile.
Mach two is twice the speed of sound.
Browning is a type of machine gun.
Tracer rounds are bullet rounds that light up when fired. Used to see where you're shooting when it's dark.
Thank you all for reading.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. The words I used are:
Bad, street, carol, babes, white, planes, corner, die, before, red-nosed, inn, express, stole, story.
AAM means Air to Air Missile.
Mach two is twice the speed of sound.
Browning is a type of machine gun.
Tracer rounds are bullet rounds that light up when fired. Used to see where you're shooting when it's dark.
Thank you all for reading.
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