It must of been a very bad dream or I am being punished for something that I had done in a previous life ,

for it is not everyday you wake up looking like a crisp and your partner a French fry.

" Claire what has happened to you ?"

My girl of only a day fluttered her long false lashes as she replied with a horrified yell .

" This cannot be real ! What have you done to me ! Why am I looking like some fucking thin french fry ?"

I kept stum as i did not have the answer to how our date had turned out

I then watched as the unimpressed date then morphed into a stick of thickly coated caramel chocolate.

Wanting to turn this nightmare into a joke I made a thoughtful attempt to lighten things

" I am more of a savoury man myself but for you I can change"

" this is no time to crack a joke " yelled my not impressed girl

" I guess a naughty nibble of a McDonald's fry is out of the question then ". I signed.

The horror kept flowing.

Her innards of golden goo slowly began to seep It's sticky liquid into my expensive satin bedding.

" Why are you melting ? ". I screamed

" Cos of the bloody heating in here" she squealed.

Now looking up, i caught a glimpse of my own self in the ceilings mirror and could not believe the crisp reflection that was looking back at me.

" help ! am still melting " shrieked Claire
" I have got problems of my own " I yelled

" you fancied me once " came the stricken reply

" Well I had best sink my crispy body into your sweet melted one then " I couldn't help say

I could see her cringe at the thought.

I didn't need to be Einstein to know she was not impressed.

For she still had fat Botox lips and false lashes where as I had become Mr plain.

Too plain for her!

I knew I stood no chance .

And judging by her constant trout pout
I would say she knew that she had the glamorous look of a Thornton's chocolate and a luxurious taste of a Harrods one.

It was ovious I could not compete with anything as sweet as her .

So the more I looked at her
the more vulnerable I now began to feel and wish that I did not look like I was some escapee from a pound shop

I was for sure a tramp next to this temptress, for she was sweet and soft but I was savoury and hard,
how on Earth could she be attracted to the over salted crisp that I had become?

Her foul mouth then sealed what I already knew.

" You are no catch so keep away from me , the only meat on you
is the false beef seasoning that you happened to be drenched in and you are not even organic ! " she screamed

"You have turned into one stuck up toffee nosed bitch and you are not even caburys ! " I snapped.

" Get your GMO over crisped arse away from my smooth as silk brown one and go drown yourself in the cheap hot
oil that you came from "
hissed the disaster date

A silence now enveloped the air .

As we studied each other and what it was we had become

Inner tears told us to accept we had become way too opposite for it to be able to work.

Fate now led the way,
The only thing we could do was follow.

The silence seemed to grasp us in invisible hands and encase my rejection and her dred .

Through salty tears I rushed after my ex date into the kitchen.

Maybe I could get her to want me !

But a large drop of watered salt found its way to fall and soften my crispness,
because from a mound of hurt I now watched her chat up an extremely long cream filled doughnut.

I had to turn away in disgust when the slut jumped into his cream and happily mingled her sweetness with his.

" Want to come and join some dips ? you would sure blend in well with your sought after flavouring " smiled a friendly Dorito crisp.

It was nice to hear a compliment instead of an insult
so I was all for welcoming new friends and advice.

" Hey there's a bowl of mixed crisps that would love to meet you " wailed another.

I could not help but release a nervous giggle as a heavily seeded slice of bread appeared and ushered me to sink myself into her thickly buttered body.

I declined the offer and broke into a smile for things were indeed beginning to look up.

So It was good riddance to my hot headed date as i made an attempt to forget the hoe that she was with and the slut that she had become.

It was not an easy task though when the bastard doughnut began shouting " oh girl keep feeding me your fudge cos you sure know how to work it ! "

But I had learnt to not dwell on fuck ups and she was no exception so I mingled like I was single and never looked back.

I never saw my chocolate love again Rumor has it she got eaten by the resident dog.

I has been awhile since that fateful day but I am still alive due to my survival tactics of staying out the way and living in the back of a cupboard.

Though now too stale for human consumption i know i am fresh enough for others to want to Indulge in a nibble.

So I remain hidden .

In the silence and darkness of the cupboard ,
my thoughts have often trailed back to the unforgettable meeting of the hermit woman who had lived on our street.

She had always been avoided because nobody could accept her strangeness.
but I was the one that had taken things further by openly mocking and often laughing at her .

Then after many years of this abuse ,
she one day let it be known she had gone and put a curse on me and that my next date would become a nightmare and my life would never be the same again.

Maybe dickhead yes, but I did not have gullible stamped on my head!

My friends seemed uneasy by her threat but it had made me laugh even more.

I told them that no weird woman's tongue was going to stop me from having that sought after date with hot Claire.

I had been chasing this hottie for a long time so I couldn't wait to at last get her out of my head and into my bed.

On the way to meet my date I again laughed off the far fetched curse.

But now that laughter was on me

Moral of the story is don't mock or laugh at weirdos

Or you too could become Twisted Fate.