Exceptional

a one scene script with Pons and Ned

Scene at a Seed Spitting Contest

by Bill Schott

Characters: Pons = average Joe Ned = just Ned Apollo = old Russian body-builder Pallas = average Moe Plan 9 = alien Spitter 4 (Sp4) = itinerate vagrant Spitter 5 (Sp5) = escaped lunatic Spitter 6 (Sp6) = famous seed spitter Mike Rowe incognito ============================ Pons and Ned show up at a watermelon seed spitting contest. Ned is entered along with a half dozen others. Two of those others are Pallas and Plan 9. Pons is a distance measuring volunteer along with his friend Apollo. Six spitters are on line. Judges measure and record the longest distances after each seed expectoration. Ned: I ain't never took part in one a these here seed spittin' contests afore. Sp4: (mouthful of seeds)  Sis ith ma teth conseth. Ned: No foolin'. Ya bin in ten a these contests. Must be right good at it. Pallas: How'd you understand anything that dude said, Ned? Ned:  My Uncle Skimmy used ta be a pharm-n-soodical reprehensitive. He'd get shanghaied purdy reg'lar and left tied up and gagged one place er a tother. I'd be untyin' him whilest he'd be cussin' and callin' me names through his gag fer bein' a too-slow knot untier. Pallas:  (Rolls his eyes)  Yeah, I figured it was something like that.  Sp5: I have a secret seed spitting technique. Pallas:  Yeah? Y'know the nature of secrets is you keep 'em to yourself. Plan 9: Does your secret involve being hit with an anvil-sized projectile in the chest, collapsing your lungs, and ejecting the said seed at Mach one speed?  That can be easily arranged and I can guarantee a record setting landing. That record will, of course, be annililated with the rest of this useless ball of dung. Sp5: That's not my secret. Hee heeeeee hee hee hee hee. Pons:  Time for the first spit, spitters. Apollo: This is exciting event. I am all tingling on my skin. America is beautiful. Ned: Here we go, fellers. Sp6: Gee, I hope I do well. (Snicker) Pallas: You're not foolin' anybody, Rowe. I recognized you from that article in Spitter's Life. Sp6: Cool it, Dude. It's all for laughs. My score won't count. I've been Lassied. Plan 9: The Hollywood canine actor, Lassie, had won the Pawscars so often she was no longer allowed to contend. Now referred to as being Lassied, or too sure too win to participate. Perhaps she will win the race to escape the giant fireball that consumes the Earth. Sp6: Exactly, except for the fireball. Pons: Okay, Spitters. Load your seeds. (all contestants put a seed in their mouths) Apollo: Suspense will be killing me! Ned: Loadin' up. Sp4: Mmm Hmm. Pallas: One in the chamber. Sp5: My sparkling diamond with slice through the air and find its intended spot where seeds seek to be sown. Plan 9: I spit at the human race. Sp6: I'm going to tie one lung behind my back. Pons: SPIT! (all contestents spit) Apollo: (Spits) Ho ho! I am also spitting though not at all in this contest. Such joy. Ned: (Spits)  Ooh! That one zipped out like a extree greasy eel in a full-up eel bag. Sp4: (Spits) Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth -- Pallas: (Spits) Great! It plopped right down in front of me. Sp5: (Spits) My watermelon seed told me he's planning to take over the world. Plan 9:  (Spit) That will be fine. He can host the fire sale after this revolving orb of refuse is charred to onyx. Sp6: (Spit. Then talking to Plan 9)  I did pretty good. Hey little fellow; where did your seed land? Plan 9: I penetrated the brest of that man on the far end of the seed firing range. He is only now realizing that his sudden discomfort is due to a perferation of his chest cavity. He will likely survive and recover so as to be present when this world is consumed in flames. Sp6: You know, the seed has to land on the ground to count. Plan 9: (Looking at Sp6)  Consumed in flames. Pons: (Measuring)  Okay, looks like the winning seed in this round belongs to Ned. Apollo: He is heroic spitter. Ned: Well I'll be a uncle's monkey. To be continued...   Write A Review Thanks to seshadri_sreenivasan for use of the image. Pays one point and 2 member cents. Artwork by seshadri_sreenivasan at FanArtReview.com You need to login or register to write reviews. It's quick! We only ask four questions to new members.