| Humor Non-Fiction posted July 30, 2019 |
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Smuckatelly comes out smellling like a rose
Chalk One up For Smuckatellly
by Earl Corp
We all remember the hazing we got on our first camping trip when we first joined Boy Scouts.
You know, harmless fun like being sent to look for a left handed smoke shifter. Or the ultimate test for the new guys -the Snipe Hunt.
The Snipe Hunt is always big fun for the older guys. They wait until the witching hour, take you deep into the woods, and give you a burlap sack.
We were told to sit there and yell, “here Snipe, here Snipe,” until we caught one. The incentive was we were told Snipes were good eatin’.
Of course we never caught a Snipe and the older guys had a good laugh when we dragged our tails back to camp at 5 a.m. empty handed.
*****
Fast forward to Germany 1984.
The Army has their own versions of welcoming newbies to the fold called Dummy Missions. The Fun part was
was when a newbie would show up empty handed we would make them drop and do 20 push-ups.
When Smuckatelly signed into the unit we knew we were going to have some fun. He seemed to be dumber than a box of rocks, or so we thought.
The first thing we sent him out for was 50 feet of flight line.
Since we were the only Infantry unit assigned to an airfield and the Aviators lived in awe of us. We were the idiots who ran every morning at zero dark thirty, and we weren’t quiet about it.
So when Smuckatelly showed up at a hanger asking for 50 feet of flight line, a sergeant gave him 50 feet of that yellow tape like they use at crime scenes. Don’t ask me to tell you why they had it.
So the next day we sent him out looking for 5 gallon pail of White Out. The office supplies were controlled by a German woman, We’ll call her Helga for the purposes of this story.
An hour later Smuckatelly came back with a Dolly and about 15 boxes of White Out. We were stunned!
"Smuckatelly, what prompted you to bring this to us?”
“Waal, I asked around and everybody told me to see Helga in supply.”
He said he told her what he wanted and she got a confused look on her face. She showed him a little bottle of White Out.
“She told me all ve have are ze little ones.”
Being the mission oriented troop he was, Smuckatelly and Helga figured out how many bottles equaled five gallons and she lent him a Dolly to bring them to us.
He also got a date with Helga for Friday.
*****
Since we hadn’t been able to make Smuckatelly do any push-ups, on the third day we decided to go with an old standby, a box of grid squares*.
We sent Smuckatelly to see our platoon sergeant, SFC* Morehouse. SFC Morehouse served two tours in Vietnam as a Ranger, he was a little crazy.
An hour later Smuckatelly returned with a box with a sticker on top that read, Grid Squares. We opened it up and sure enough Morehouse had cut a map into grid squares.
We thought this was hilarious, until Smuckatelly gave us a message.
“SFC Morehouse told me ya’ll were messin’ with me, he told me to have Specialist Corp return these to him.”
*****
Now for the rest of the story……
I took the box back to SFC Morehouse expecting us to share a good laugh.
WRONG.
SFC Morehouse had wheedled out of Smuckatelly we’d been sending him on Dummy Missions for three days, he felt this was excessive and there should be consequences for my actions.
I had to do push-ups until SFC Morehouse got tired, and being the old Ranger he was, he never got tired.
“Thanks a lot Smuckatelly, you got this one.”
True Story Contest contest entry
We all remember the hazing we got on our first camping trip when we first joined Boy Scouts.
You know, harmless fun like being sent to look for a left handed smoke shifter. Or the ultimate test for the new guys -the Snipe Hunt.
The Snipe Hunt is always big fun for the older guys. They wait until the witching hour, take you deep into the woods, and give you a burlap sack.
We were told to sit there and yell, “here Snipe, here Snipe,” until we caught one. The incentive was we were told Snipes were good eatin’.
The Army has their own versions of welcoming newbies to the fold called Dummy Missions. The Fun part was
was when a newbie would show up empty handed we would make them drop and do 20 push-ups.
When Smuckatelly signed into the unit we knew we were going to have some fun. He seemed to be dumber than a box of rocks, or so we thought.
The first thing we sent him out for was 50 feet of flight line.
Since we were the only Infantry unit assigned to an airfield and the Aviators lived in awe of us. We were the idiots who ran every morning at zero dark thirty, and we weren’t quiet about it.
So when Smuckatelly showed up at a hanger asking for 50 feet of flight line, a sergeant gave him 50 feet of that yellow tape like they use at crime scenes. Don’t ask me to tell you why they had it.
So the next day we sent him out looking for 5 gallon pail of White Out. The office supplies were controlled by a German woman, We’ll call her Helga for the purposes of this story.
An hour later Smuckatelly came back with a Dolly and about 15 boxes of White Out. We were stunned!
"Smuckatelly, what prompted you to bring this to us?”
“Waal, I asked around and everybody told me to see Helga in supply.”
He said he told her what he wanted and she got a confused look on her face. She showed him a little bottle of White Out.
“She told me all ve have are ze little ones.”
Being the mission oriented troop he was, Smuckatelly and Helga figured out how many bottles equaled five gallons and she lent him a Dolly to bring them to us.
We sent Smuckatelly to see our platoon sergeant, SFC* Morehouse. SFC Morehouse served two tours in Vietnam as a Ranger, he was a little crazy.
An hour later Smuckatelly returned with a box with a sticker on top that read, Grid Squares. We opened it up and sure enough Morehouse had cut a map into grid squares.
We thought this was hilarious, until Smuckatelly gave us a message.
WRONG.
SFC Morehouse had wheedled out of Smuckatelly we’d been sending him on Dummy Missions for three days, he felt this was excessive and there should be consequences for my actions.
I had to do push-ups until SFC Morehouse got tired, and being the old Ranger he was, he never got tired.
“Thanks a lot Smuckatelly, you got this one.”
You know, harmless fun like being sent to look for a left handed smoke shifter. Or the ultimate test for the new guys -the Snipe Hunt.
The Snipe Hunt is always big fun for the older guys. They wait until the witching hour, take you deep into the woods, and give you a burlap sack.
We were told to sit there and yell, “here Snipe, here Snipe,” until we caught one. The incentive was we were told Snipes were good eatin’.
Of course we never caught a Snipe and the older guys had a good laugh when we dragged our tails back to camp at 5 a.m. empty handed.
*****
Fast forward to Germany 1984. *****
The Army has their own versions of welcoming newbies to the fold called Dummy Missions. The Fun part was
was when a newbie would show up empty handed we would make them drop and do 20 push-ups.
When Smuckatelly signed into the unit we knew we were going to have some fun. He seemed to be dumber than a box of rocks, or so we thought.
The first thing we sent him out for was 50 feet of flight line.
Since we were the only Infantry unit assigned to an airfield and the Aviators lived in awe of us. We were the idiots who ran every morning at zero dark thirty, and we weren’t quiet about it.
So when Smuckatelly showed up at a hanger asking for 50 feet of flight line, a sergeant gave him 50 feet of that yellow tape like they use at crime scenes. Don’t ask me to tell you why they had it.
So the next day we sent him out looking for 5 gallon pail of White Out. The office supplies were controlled by a German woman, We’ll call her Helga for the purposes of this story.
An hour later Smuckatelly came back with a Dolly and about 15 boxes of White Out. We were stunned!
"Smuckatelly, what prompted you to bring this to us?”
“Waal, I asked around and everybody told me to see Helga in supply.”
He said he told her what he wanted and she got a confused look on her face. She showed him a little bottle of White Out.
“She told me all ve have are ze little ones.”
Being the mission oriented troop he was, Smuckatelly and Helga figured out how many bottles equaled five gallons and she lent him a Dolly to bring them to us.
He also got a date with Helga for Friday.
*****
Since we hadn’t been able to make Smuckatelly do any push-ups, on the third day we decided to go with an old standby, a box of grid squares*.
*****
Since we hadn’t been able to make Smuckatelly do any push-ups, on the third day we decided to go with an old standby, a box of grid squares*.
We sent Smuckatelly to see our platoon sergeant, SFC* Morehouse. SFC Morehouse served two tours in Vietnam as a Ranger, he was a little crazy.
An hour later Smuckatelly returned with a box with a sticker on top that read, Grid Squares. We opened it up and sure enough Morehouse had cut a map into grid squares.
We thought this was hilarious, until Smuckatelly gave us a message.
“SFC Morehouse told me ya’ll were messin’ with me, he told me to have Specialist Corp return these to him.”
*****
Now for the rest of the story……
I took the box back to SFC Morehouse expecting us to share a good laugh.*****
Now for the rest of the story……
WRONG.
SFC Morehouse had wheedled out of Smuckatelly we’d been sending him on Dummy Missions for three days, he felt this was excessive and there should be consequences for my actions.
I had to do push-ups until SFC Morehouse got tired, and being the old Ranger he was, he never got tired.
“Thanks a lot Smuckatelly, you got this one.”
 Recognized |
#508 2019 |
*For the military impaired Military maps are broken down into 1,000 meter boxes we called grid squares.
* SFC= Sergeant First Class.
*Newbie - a newly assigned soldier.
Another Smuckatelly tale, Enjoy. If you liked this one there are more in my portfolio, check'em out.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. * SFC= Sergeant First Class.
*Newbie - a newly assigned soldier.
Another Smuckatelly tale, Enjoy. If you liked this one there are more in my portfolio, check'em out.
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