| General Script posted May 21, 2019 |
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Pons and Ned and Bill talk about Fanstory
Scene at a Writing Meeting
by Bill Schott
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The scene opens on a dark setting with a center stage light limiting the focus to a dining room table. Bill is sitting behind a laptop computer talking to himself. He is joined from the right by Pons and from the left by Ned. All sit facing down stage. Bill: Man! I have a scene to write, a chapter to finish, a poem to rhyme, and reviews to get out. I have approximately two hours to do as much damage as possible before reality rears its ugly head. (Approaching from stage right, Ned wanders in and sits beside Bill.) Ned: Whatcha doin' there, Billyard? Bill: I'm trying to create a humorous sketch, an adventurous chapter, a passible poem, and give some usable feedback to other writers. Ned: No, I mean on that li'l tellervision Bill: That's it, Ned. I'm creating. Ned: So yer writin' tellervision shows? How's 'bout ya write a aptisode a Gunsmoke? I ain't seen my hero Festus in a month a Mondays. Bill : You mean a month of Sundays. Ned: Do I, Billus? I kin tell ya I seen that show ON a Sunday jis lass week, but I ain't ne'er seen it on a Monday. Bill: Okay, Ned. Sorry. Don't get upset. Ned: I ain't upset, Billboy. If I'm anythin' I'm down sat. (Bouncing in his chair.) Bill: Ah, great, Ned. Well, I'm not writing a television script, and it definitely wouldn't be a Gunsmoke episode. If anything I'd write a sitcom. Ned: (Eyes widening.) Well I'm sure it'd be better than that, Billbo. Ya might want to curve that bad lang-age too, cuz here comes Pons; he's a bit of a prune. Bill: I might CURB my LANGuage, Ned. Since Pons is such a PRUDE. Ned: Yeah, well, whatever, dude. (Pons walks in from stage left and greets Bill before sitting.) Pons: Hi, Mr. Schott. How is it going today? Bill: I'm a bit pressed for time, Pons, and I have so many things to accomplish in a very short period. Pons: You're under the gun? Ned: Naw, he don't care fer gunfightin' shows. He wants to write 'bout stuff he calls, well, crap. Bill: (Responding to Ned.) SITcom, Ned. Ned: Sorry. Pons. He's in a sitty mood taday. Now ya got me cursin' too. Pons: Well, I'm totally clueless here. Ned: Ain't that s'posed ta be my job? Bill: You're the master at it, Ned. (Ned sits up straight in his chair with a look of satisfaction on his face.) Pons: What ARE you writing? Bill: For one, there's this sequel to Baker's Dozen. Ned: That the one where them Army convicts kill Hitler and blow up Camelot? Pons: What? Ned: Yeah. Liberty Valance , Cheyenne, the Death Wish guy, that dude what was Rose Mary's Baby's dad, but weren't, and Kojak get sent by the McHail's Navy guy ta blow up a castle wit a passel a Nasties in it. Pons: Nazis? Ned: They was bad enough ta need blowin' up, dude. Bill: Okay, stop. You're beginning from a misnomer on the title. Pons: Nevermind, Mr. Schott. So, a sequel to the story where Baker becomes, Butcher, then becomes Bobby Do, and then is an assassin, but doesn't know it. Bill: Right. Pons: That was a terrific tale, sir. Bill: Why thank you, Pons. Pons: Anything else in the hopper? Bill: Need to write a poem. Ned: Like - roses is red, pilots is blue -- Bill: Violets are blue. Ned: I'm bettin' there's plenny a blue stuff, Biligan. Pons: I like to write limericks. Ned: Yeah. He done a doozy limmerlick jis t'other day. Bill: There once was a fellow named Ned -- Ned: What got the hair cut onnis head -- Pons: They cut it so closely-- Bill: Really scalped him, so mostly-- Ned: Now his friends jis calls 'im Ed. Bill: That was top drawer there guys! Pons: Now you just need to write a script; right? Bill: No time. It'll have to wait until tomorrow. Pons: Okay then. See you, Mr. Schott. Bill: Bye, Pons. Later, Ned. Ned: (Looks to the audience.) Looks like I get the last word. Bill: Well - ah - Ned, I'll probably have the la -- Ned: (Yelling.) FLABONGA !! (Pons and Ned exit their respective sides as Bill closes his lap top computer and the stage goes to black.)
The Dirty Dozen was a WWII film with Lee Marvin (Liberty Valance - another character played by Lee Marvin); Clint Walker (Cheyenne - a TV western character); Charles Bronson (Death Wish guy-character in another movie); John Cassavetes (played in the film Rosemary's Baby as the husband); Kojak (a cop show character played by Telly Savalas)
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. All misspelled words are hopefully used to support Ned's dialogue. 
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