I blew out the candles on the cake, even though it wasn't my birthday. The usual response followed: An off key version of Happy Birthday and a smattering of applause.

Kip kissed me on the cheek, handed me a small, gift-wrapped box, and escorted me out to the balcony.

"Perfect," he said and kissed me again, on my nose. I felt like a cocker spaniel just short of a pat on the head.

"Did you make a wish?"

"Yes, I wished I wasn't here."

"I needed an excuse to get you into the house."

"And your dad throws birthday parties for all your old school mates?"

"He likes you."

"Swell, I feel so much better about busting into his safe."

"This way," he said. I followed. We entered a darkened room off the balcony. "It's here, behind this fake picture of the Eiffel Tower. I'll be outside, keeping a look-out."

I clicked on my mini flashlight and checked out the safe. It was the kind you buy at Home Depot. The combination ridiculously simple. I popped it in two minutes.

The document was second to the last of a stack. I stuck the flashlight in my mouth. "Last Will and Testament." I read it. Nothing much to read. Chandler W. Holister was leaving everything to the Benevolent order of Elks.

Kip was out his inheritance and so was the trophy wife. Kip would be furious.

The door opened and lights filled the room.

"Excuse, me? Can I help you?"

Whoops...

"Ah, Mr. Holister, I was just..."

Chandler Holister stood in the doorway. "Crystal, are you a burglar?"

"No, I'm more of a nosey parker. A friend, in deed."

"Did my son put you up to this?"

"Ahhh, yes. He was curious about the contents of your will."

No point in lying now. I needed to save my own ass. Mr. Holister seated himself behind his desk.

"My son betrayed me. My own flesh and blood! He and my wife are having an affair. I had them followed. What son cheats with his father's new wife? What kind of woman has sex with her step-son?"

"I don't know what you think you heard or saw, Mr. Holister, but your son is gay. Been gay since he was a kid."

A look of genuine surprise crossed his angry face. "And how do you know this?"

"Because he threw up on my Hanna Montana bedspread when we were twelve. Touching my vagina was his first and last attempt at hetero sex."

"But, why was he repeatedly taking Sheila's to the Carlton Hotel?"

"Because he got a job as a decorator. He's been commissioned to redo the entire hotel. He wanted Sheila's input. It was supposed to be a surprise. His first big job."

"Do me a favor. Please. Go back and tell Kip you read the will and I'm leaving everything to him and Sheila. He never needs to know I suspected him."

"But that's not what the will says..."

"It will next Monday."

I started to leave.

"Crystal, are you a professional thief?"

"No, sir. I work for a Security firm. We lock and unlock. You wouldn't believe how many people forget their combinations."

I left out by the balcony doors. Kip was waiting. "And...inquiring minds want to know?"

"You're in like Flynn."

We did a high-five.

"Sweet!" he said.

"And by the way. I got caught."

"You're kidding!"

"There's more...I told him you're gay!"

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"It seemed the right time."

"What did he say? Was he angry?"

"Not as much as you might expect."

"Now you've gone and done it. He'll disown me. Take me out of his will."

"No, you and Ms. Perky-tits are going half-seez."

"Even after telling him I'm gay?!"

"It's all in the way you break it to them. I have a knack, a gift, if you will."

"Crystal, you are the best friend a gay man could ever have."

"You didn't think so when you were checking out my vagina."

"Seriously, can we forget that ever happened?"

"Kind of difficult, when the first man to view my vagina barfed on my bedspread. I've been permanently scarred for life."

"Look at it this way. The one thing we've always had in common is our love for Dick."

"True, now buy me a drink. I'm thirsty."