Ned needs a trophy mounted
A chapter in the book Scenes
Scene at the Taxidermist
Ned meets Pons' friend, Camp, at the taxidermist.
Camp: Hey, Ned! Funny meeting you here.
Ned: Hope meetin' me here IS funny. Wink, wink.
Camp: Wink, wink?
Nodding towards the fourth wall, Ned grins and widens his stare at Camp.
Ned: Seems somebody's been recordin' me and Ponsezez git tagetters.
Camp: You're being stalked?
Ned: Nobody's bin atalkin', but ev'ry once in a while one a our meetin's finds its way onto the winnernet.
Camp: (Speaking slowly) You mean the in-ter-net.
Ned: You windin' down, Camp?
Camp: No, Ned. So why are you here?
Pulling a huge ball of fur out of his jacket pocket, he shows it to Camp.
Camp: (Startled) What the hell is that!?
Ned: It's my guinea pig, Rosco.
Camp: You're getting a guinea pig stuffed?!
Ned: Heck, no. Thad be purdy dumb, Camp.
Camp: Well, Ned, to be truthful, you really do seem to be quite stupid.
Ned: Well, Camp. I wouldn't never think ta stuff a guinea pig what weren't dead.
Camp: That thing is alive?
Ned: Well, yeah. If I were carryin' around a dead, little furball, I would be as stupid as you think I am. Hey! Why do you think I'm so stupid?
Camp: Before I answer that, tell me -- is that creature alive or dead?
Ned: He's alive, 'course. Been sleepin' a spell though.
Camp: How long has it been sleeping?
Ned: Since last Tuesday.
Camp: (raising his voice in frustration and anger) Jeez oh Pete, Ned! You are the dumbest person I have ever met! I have no idea why Pons even hangs around with you.
Ned: Think I should wake Rosco up?
Camp: Wake him up!? Wake him up!?
Ned: Okeedoke. Hey, Rosco. Wake on up.
While both men stare at the still animal in Ned's hands, the proprietor steps up.
Prop: Hey, Gents. How can I help you?
Camp: I have come to see if my marlin is finished.
Prop: I'll check. (Then turning to Ned) How about you, fella?
Ned: I come to see iffin my raccoon were done.
Prop: Oh, is that yours? Ha ha. That was a fun project. Yes, it is indeed done. (Looking at the guinea pig in Ned's hand) This another critter you want mounted?
Ned: Naw. He's jes' sleepin'.
Camp: Who are you kidding, Ned? That puffed up rat is dead as a door knob. You are either morbid, stupid, or plain crazy.
Ned: I ain't crazy ner as dumb as you think I am. So I prob'ly ain't morp-ped neither.
Suddenly the guinea pig moves in Ned's hand.
Camp: (Shocked) Hell's bells, Ned! I can't believe that thing is alive!
Ned: Oh yeah. He gits movin' 'round later in the day, like now. Then he turns into a bat and flies out the winder at night.
Both the store proprietor and Camp stare at Ned, then at each other.
Camp: I'll -- uh, I'll come back for that marlin. (Camp moves to the exit and dashes out.)
The proprietor leaves and returns with Ned's mounted animal. It is a raccoon, standing and seeming to roar, like an attacking bear, at a smaller, male action figure.
Prop: This was hilarious to make. Thanks for the idea.
Ned: It looks great. Thanks. Oh yeah, can you stuff my guinea pig?
Prop: I thought he was alive and turned into a bat at night?
Ned: No, he don't do that. I did put a transistor battery under'm wit a wire so's I could make him move once in a while. He started gettin' ripe though, so I thunk you could make him look okay.
Prop: It's too late for your friend, Ned. It would be best to bury him and get another. You sure put a scare into your friend though.
Smiling, Ned headed out with his mounted raccoon . Just outside the taxidermy, he set the raccoon down on a bench and pulled his guinea pig out.
Ned: (Turning the rodent’s head to face him, Ned whispers.)
Hey, Ned. Jes' drop me in that there trash can, and later, I'll turn into a fampyra bat and fly away.
(Then tossing it into the can)
See ya, Rosco. Happy Hallerween.
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