Humor Fiction posted June 5, 2018


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Dialogue Only Contest entry

I Have A Certificate

by Craigitar

Dialogue Only Writing Contest Contest Winner 

"Good morning. I'm Dr. Stephanie Hursome."

"Morning, Dr. Hursome. I'm Jimmy Spitlot."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Spitsalot."

"It's Spitlot."

"Sorry, Mr. Spitslots."

"Spitlot."

"Spitlot... got it. Please have a seat and tell me why you've come to see me."

"Well, as you can see, I'm pretty skinny..."

"And you think psycho-therapy might help you put on weight."

"Well, that would be great, but that's not why I'm here..."

"Oh, I see; you think psycho-therapy could help with your self-image."

"That'd be nice, but that's not it either..."

"Okay then--you have hopes that psycho-therapy can help you develop a keener fashion sense that will de-accentuate your emaciated state."

"What? No."

"I see where this is going, and there's no shame being less than average weight anymore than it's shameful being more than average weight."

"May I say something?"

"Of course, Mr. Spittle--that's why I'm here. Psychotherapy works best when the patient does most of the talking, the therapist just guides the patient in the direction that will best facilitate a positive outcome. Most often the patient doesn't know how to access the subconscious reasons for their particular problem and that is where a competent, schooled and certified therapist is most helpful."

"That's Spitlot. Well, as you can see, I'm also losing my hair..."

"As a trained, professional therapist, I wasn't going to say anything about your hair loss unless you brought it up, but now that the elephant-in-the-room has been acknowledged, it's obvious that you would like to talk about how best to emotionally deal with your topical glare."

"What? No..."

"Ooooh--now we're getting somewhere. What you're displaying is classic psycho-diversion-manipulation. In other words, neither your skeletal weight nor your carnival-side-show-baldness is the source of your angst. There's something else that is the real reason you're here."

"Well, yes. It's..."

"No need to tell me, Mr. Sputum--I'm a certified therapist. It's the way your follicle scarcity exaggerates the size of your ears, isn't it?"

"Well, it wasn't before you pointed it out, and it's Spitlot. But, that's not why I'm here..."

"One word: braces."

"What?"

"Braces from a good orthodontist will fix that severe and unsightly overbite, and that will put you on the road to emotional health...with my help, of course."

"Dang it! Would you kindly shut up and listen?"

"Ah ha! Impatience, rude behavior and profanity--now we're getting somewhere. Those qualities are not your friends and will only drive people away."

"Huh? What are you talking about? I have plenty of friends. My problem is..."

"Rhinoplasty!"

"What?"

"I'm being as delicate as possible...it's obvious that your freakishly bulbous nose and gigantic nostrils have played a decidedly negative role in your social life. A nose job from a competent plastic surgeon would do wonders for your looks and your self-image. You still wouldn't be a handsome man, Mr. Spithawk--there is, after all, only so much that surgery can accomplish."

"Spitlot! With respect: are you out of your mind?"

"You came to see me, remember? I am a certified problem solver; you are a person with a problem. I couldn't help you if I was out of my mind."

"It's hard to argue with reasoning like that, but could we please get to my problem, please?"

"Certainly. I can see it now, and it's so obvious; your eyes are too close together--that's it isn't it?"

"NO!"

"AH HA! There were two elephants-in-the-room all along. As a certified therapist I'm trained to be both sensitive to a patient's feelings and diplomatic when revealing a diagnosis, but there's really no way to sugarcoat your problem: your Adam's apple is wildly disproportionate to the girth and length of your neck--I'm right, aren't I?"

"You know, Dr. Hursome, I'm actually feeling a lot better, so I think I'll just be going now."

"But we have another thirty minutes left in the session, and we haven't really pin-pointed your problem."

"That's okay. You've given me plenty to think about and a new perspective on mental health."

"But I think I know what the problem is now, Mr. Spitup..."

"Thanks, doctor. Goodbye."

"Wait...I can do this! I HAVE A CERTIFICATE!"


Dialogue Only Writing Contest
Contest Winner


Sometimes, the best advice is no advice at all.
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