I had been living on my own a few years and I liked being able to come and go as I pleased, spend my money how I wanted, and eat popcorn for dinner if I felt like it. So I was not husband or even boyfriend hunting.

I hung out with a group from my church and we'd go out Sundays for lunch, maybe go to a movie and dinner on Saturdays or just hang out at someone's place watching videos or playing games.

A new guy had joined the group, cute, funny, nice, my age and single. My friends were telling me he was interested and I didn't mind too much. During one of our Friday night hang outs he asked if I'd like to have dinner with him and I said yes.

We made a date for the following Friday night for six o'clock. I started getting ready at 5:40. I was never one to fuss much with hair and makeup, I was blessed with hair that just kind of did what it was supposed to without any fuss and I wore a minimum of makeup.

I chose to wear jeans and a royal blue top, my best color, and cute but comfy shoes. I didn't believe in being miserable just to look sexy. No stilettos for me, which turned out to be a really good thing.

Jake picked me up on the dot and said the restaurant wasn't too far. We chatted easily as we knew each other and there weren't too many nerves involved.

He pulled up to the restaurant. "I hope you like Indian," he said as he opened the door for me.

I hate it, I thought, but smiled at Jake who looked very pleased with himself. Actually Indian cuisine is quite good, but very spicy and I didn't do well with spicy food.

I looked over the menu praying they served hamburgers, but no such luck.

"I'm not too good with spicy food so I'm going to ask for the mildest thing on the menu," I told my date.

"I'm sure they have mild stuff," he assured me.

When the waiter came, I made it very clear that I wanted the mildest dish they made.

"Oh, yes," he said. "I will order what we serve our children. It is very mild."

"Sounds perfect," I said.

Jake and I chatted about the weather, baseball, and what we would do if we won the ten million dollar lottery.

Our food arrived and I was starving, so I dug in and quickly realized that I'd been misled. What kind of children do the Indian people have, fire- breathing dragons?!

After a mere three bites, I could no longer feel my lips or tongue, my throat was on fire, and then it hit my stomach. I should at this point explain I had been eating very clean and very mild food for over a month, doing some kind of stupid purge thing that my friends talked me into. My body was not at all prepared for the volcanic lava flow that invaded it. I didn't want to keep eating, but felt it would be rude to stop, so forced it down.

I was drinking water like there was a shortage and I hadn't had a drink in days. My voice took on a husky tone and I hoped Jake woudn't think I was trying to sound sexy. I knew really horrible and unspeakable things were in my future and not too far off.

A rumbling started in my lower region about twenty minutes in, and I decided to excuse myself and go to the restroom hoping to get a handle on the situation before it became DEFCON 5.

I was most relieved to find myself alone and horrible things began to happen very quickly. I could only hope the walls were thick, and there was enough noise in the restaurant to cover everything that was taking place. The smell was not far behind and I can only describe it as a cross between a week old dead body and cat poo.

The bathroom had a revolving door as one patron after another could not get out fast enough after entering.

I kept hearing, "Oh my lord!"

"Sorry," I would meekly say from behind my stall door. I was courtesy flushing like crazy, but it did no good as the smell seemed to take on a life of it's own.

A woman walked in with her daughter and quickly dragged the girl out. "But mommy, I have to go!" she protested.

"Well hold it until we get home!" yelled the mom.

"Sorry," I said again. I'm pretty sure the child will need therapy.

By this time I was afraid my date would think I had ditched him so I texted him from my chamber of horrors.

"Really sorry its taking so long. Theres a line. U know how women are. (smiley face emoji)" 

When I was finally able to eradicate myself from the bathroom, I had to make a decision. Should I tell him I was sick and to take me home? That would mean being in the car with him for at least twenty minutes and anything could happen in that time. I'd have to tell him to roll down all the windows and drive ninety miles an hour.

The restaurant was in a quaint part of town full of fun shops, so maybe we could take a walk and I could stay ahead of things so to speak. I got back to the table and apologized for taking so long and asked if we could take a walk.

"You read my mind," he said with a smile.

We walked out into the night and a gentle breeze blew making for a pleasant evening. I was kind of hoping for gale force winds, but it didn't seem in the forecast.

Jake took my hand as we walked. Poor guy, I thought, If he only knew he was holding hands with the equivalent of a nitrogen bomb. But in a way it could work to my advantage. If anything were to 'escape', I could drag him with me to get him out of the line of fire, and there was little doubt there would be a number of escapees.

After each one, I walked quickly ahead bringing Jake along under the pretense that I had seen something and wanted to get a closer look.

"Oh look!" I said, dragging him with me at almost a full run.

"That's a pile of dead leaves," Jake informed me..

"Oh, I thought it was a frog." It looked nothing like a frog.

He laughed. I was so glad he had a sense of humor; he was going to need it.