Humor Script posted March 13, 2018

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Beth Gallagher: Psycho Poet

Meet A Fanstorian: Vol. 5

by Mark Valentine

Given that she has posted two poems a day for the last two years, you would think that Beth Gallagher would be a household name among Fanstorians. Unfortunately every one of Beth’s poems has the same subject -- her ex-boyfriend Brad.

I recently had a chance to interview Beth as part of my “Meet A Fanstorian” series.
MV: Hi Beth, nice to meet you.

BG: Likewise, Mark. I’m a big fan of your writing. I can see why everybody says you’re the next Shakespeare. And you’re much handsomer in person than I imagined.

MV: Well, gosh – thanks.

BG: Of course, you’re no Brad.

MV: Of course not. Let’s talk about Brad. How did you guys meet?

BG: It was on a blind date in 2016. We went to the Olive Garden for dinner.

MV: Your first poem about Brad was called “Forever Yours”. Would you mind reading it for us?

BG: I'd be happy to.

You know that I will always be your Beth, Brad.
From now until the hour of your death, Brad
I’ll be with you when you draw your dying breath, Brad.
Got photos of you hanging in my meth lab.

MV: At what point in your relationship did you write this?

BG: It was while we were waiting for breadsticks to come at the Olive Garden.

MV: On your first date?

BG: Yes.

MV: Before you had ordered dinner?

BG: I knew right away. Love is like that sometimes.

MV: And you didn’t think that the poem might be a bit off-putting?

BG: How so?

MV: You know, maybe Brad wasn’t ready for that level of commitment to someone he had known for ten minutes.

BG: I wonder if that’s why he didn’t call.

MV: Yeah, the meth lab line probably didn’t help either.

BG: Be that as it may, weeks of persistent calling, followed by the first of my Cat Poems, finally paid off. We went on a second date.

MV: Your “Cat Poems”?

BG: Yeah, I knew Brad liked cats, so I bought him a kitten. I named it “Mr. Whiskers”, and left it outside his door with a poem tied around its neck. Sort of an apology for the first poem. Here, I’ll read it for you.

I hope you know my darling Brad that I was only “kitten” with you
And if I come on strong please know it’s cuz I am so smitten with you
I cherish each and ev’ry poem that I have ever written with you
Let’s get a two seat toilet so then I can be there…

MV: (interrupting) You can stop right there – I think we get the gist. And you went out a couple more times after this?

BG: You sound surprised.

MV: I guess I am a little bit.

BG: Did I mention the sex?

MV: Ah, man’s kryptonite.

BG: Yeah, it was great – until he got the restraining order that is.

MV: And when did that happen?

BG: It was after the second “Cat Poem”. Well, actually before that, he told me he didn’t want to see me anymore. That’s when I wrote the poem. It was a 5-7-5. Like the first one, I tied this one around Mr. Whiskers – but this time there was a twist, so to speak. Let’s read the poem.
behold mister whiskers
at least HE has eight more lives
what about our love?
MV: Eight MORE lives?

BG: Yes.

MV: I’m almost afraid to ask this…Beth, did you…kill Brad’s cat?


MV: It looks like your portfolio sort of “jumped the shark” at that point. Your poems alternated between “I-love-you-Brad-please-come-back” poems to “I-hate-you-and-I’m-going-to-kill-everything-you-love” poems.

BG: That was pretty much the pattern. It all depended on what kind of mood I was in.

MV: I see in November of 2016, you posted a poem titled, “Hey, Brad --I’m pregnant”, followed a couple of days later by a companion piece titled, “Just kidding.”

BG: I love Brad with all my heart, but I've got to say, he does not have a great sense of humor.

MV: Were there any other poetic themes you explored during that time period?

BG: Don’t forget about the “Remember-how-good-the-sex-was” poems.

MV: Ah, yes, I have an example of one of those here – let’s set the stage for this. You sent it to Brad accompanied by a naked picture of yourself?

BG: Covered in butter – yes.

MV: Ok, then – here it is. I’m afraid we’re going to have to black out some of the more explicit parts.

Behold my photo and remember all the nights we had
The way I’d bend xxxxxxxx, the scratches and the bites we had
Tell me honestly, how can you not want more of this?
I’ll let you put your xxxxxxxxxx  in each and ev’ry orifice
We’ll spread Mazola Corn Oil xxxxxxxxxxxxxx leathers
Until we’re nice and slippery, xxxxxxxx feathers

MV: And that didn’t do the trick?

BG: I’m afraid not. So I tried a gentler tack with my next poem.

MV: Let’s take a look. It’s called “By Your Side”.

I wonder if you hear me weeping
As I sit beside your bed
Watching you while you lay sleeping
As I gently stroke your head
You look so blissfully at peace
I fantasize that I’m your spouse
Then you wake and call the police
Because I broke into your house

BG: It was at this point that Brad had me arrested.

MV: How long were you in jail?

BG: Just two days.

MV: Why so short?

BG: Let’s just say the parole board likes Mazola.

MV: So, when you got out, you kept posting the Brad poems. I believe we’re up to 842 of them now. Any luck?

BG: No, Brad hasn’t come to his senses yet. I heard he’s married and has a baby now. But he’ll come around. In the words of Trisha Yearwood, “What’s meant to be will always find a way.”

MV: Have you ever thought about maybe just…

BG: Maybe just what?

MV: You know -- getting over it?

BG: Do you have a cat, Mark?

MV: Well, that’s all the time we have for today, Fanstorians. Tune in next week, when “Meet A Fanstorian” presents “Father Joe Donovan: Poet Confessor.”


As with all the pieces in this series, any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
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