It is the time of year I love, and the time of year I hate. It is the time of year that brings me joy and the time of year that brings me sorrow. It is the time of year that brings love, but that time has passed for me. I had often heard that Christmas was a magical time, a time of hope and miracles and renewed joy. I haven't experienced those desires in two Christmases--the Christmas my mother passed.

I sat in the back of the mall parking lot dreading the crowds of people I would encounter. I watched as people hurried from their cars to go into mall that naturally for this time of year was overcrowded. I watched the stalkers circling the parking lot like vultures looking for a parking space that would make their walk short, only in vain.

Sitting in the parking lot brought me anxiety, my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. I took several deep breaths and tried to push back the mind monsters that were taunting me. I opened the car door and the rush of cold winter air breathed new life into me.

"I can do this," I told myself as I advanced toward the mall entrance.

As expected, the people packed into the mall like sardines. They dodged and ran into each other repeatedly. The weight of their packages and gifts weighed them down and made them appear like a ship sinking to the bottom of the sea.

Santa was propped in the middle of mall surrounded by everything Christmas, music and bells,a beautiful tree decorated in red and gold, with fake packages wrapped underneath, surrounded by fake snow, while he sat on his fake sleigh with his over exaggerated padding and beard. The line to reach him was a mile long with children growing restless, and chattering and crying. Several parents left in dismay as their children rejecting Santa was unexpected, screaming and crying and reaching for their mom.

"I hate him too," I wanted to whisper to them as the parents left the mall nearly in tears. I was that child growing up, excited to drop my list into Santa's lap only to be overcome with fear and anxiety when I reached him. My mom would leave my list on his table and leave as quickly as she could while on- lookers shot daggers of anger our way as we left, probably thinking we should have stayed home; Only to walk in our shoes upon arriving at Santa's feet.

My collision with a shopper brought me back to reality. "Sorry," I muttered as I dodged looking at him and hurried away staring at the floor.

Once I looked up, I was behind the Santa Claus massacre and standing in a wing of the mall surrounded by a bunch of Christmas stores. "This is odd, I don't remember any of these stores." I turned in a 360 degree circle and was preparing to exit when the 'Christmas shop" caught my attention.

A crash of memories came over me. Memories of my mother I was suppressing for two years, not wanting to deal with my emotions slapped at me. "This is my favorite time of year," I could hear her saying. "The birth of a child unlike any other."

I pushed back the tears and decided to have a look inside the store. The store was overrun with Nativity scenes. I don't think I had ever seen this many. Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus in every setting imaginable, with every animal imaginable, in every size imaginable. I was surprised this store existed in the mall, but I pressed my way in as my curiosity was taking over.

As I walked through the store, every biblical character and animal associated with Christmas had its own setting or ornament. The wise men, Mary, Mary and Joseph, Mary and Jesus, Mary and Jesus with animals and countless others, I wondered how this store stayed open and were people buying this stuff. As a matter fact, I noticed I was the only one is the store.

I decided to be the Devil's advocate and approach one of the workers. I moved quickly through the store in search of an employee and ran into a giant life size angel with his wings almost spanning the width of the store. I shook my head in amazement, this store is Christian eccentric, I thought.
Finally, I made it to the front of the store, as I was ringing the bell for assistance I caught a glimpse of a Christmas Lantern with a Nativity scene.

Nostalgia overtook me for a moment. I remembered as a child I had so many globes, I would shake them and watch the glitter fall for hours. My mother would buy them wherever she went on vacation and for every occasion, I even had a musical one with a ballerina that turned as the glitter fell, but this one was better-- it was battery operated. It was simple, not fancy only Mary, Joseph and Jesus in the manager.Once the on button was on, it would light up and the glitter would circulate through the globe.

I was entranced so much by the globe that I did not notice the shop owner standing in front me. I jumped back in surprise when I focused on him. Suprisingly, he looked like a skinny Santa, He was a tall slender framed gentleman with a long white beard and wire framed glasses, his hair was longer than it should be for a man his age. I studied him for several moments. I noticed he was quite patient and did not engage me in conversation until I spoke.

"I have some questions about your store." I began.

"Yes," he replied.

"How long has this store been here?" I've never seen it in the mall before."

"Oh, we have been here for around two years. Our merchandise changes with the holidays. This is our busiest time."

"Really?" I asked looking around the store bewildered.

"How can I help you young lady?" he asked.

I stood speechless, "I, I don't know."

"I noticed you were looking at this Nativity Lantern." He turned placing it on the counter.

I nodded, "It's...It's silly.."

"No, sounds like a story to me."

"It's a favorite childhood toy," I said staring at the counter embarrassed. "I collected snow globes as a child. This one brings back a memory."

I stared into his piercing brown eyes, I looked away quickly I felt he was seeing into my soul. I glanced quickly at his name tag -- James.

"Your mom loved these too... didn't she?" he asked.

"How did you know?" I asked smiling.

"Just a guess," he replied smiling.

His statement triggered a deep memory. It was Christmas and again I would not see my mother. I skipped the family celebration last year because of this same feeling of loss only to realize that it didn't matter I wasn't going to see my mom. And now, I was facing that feeling again. I guess I would face these emotions every Christmas.

It seemed that my sisters and brother and even my dad had moved on with their lives, but not me. I was stuck in some black hole prison that was holding me back from the remainder of my life. Christmas use to be my favorite holiday, now I hated it. What use to bring me joyous memories now only brought me pain, it was a constant reminder of what I had lost.

My eyes began to water at the thought, but I felt a strong hand holding mine. I glanced up to see James holding my hand. His hands had the strength that mine lacked, they were strong.

He started to say something and I cut him off. "You know I hate this holiday."

I could see him wince at my words. "I hate Christmas," I stated loudly. "I hate Santa Claus and his elves, I hate them too," I said pointing at the nativity scene in the lantern. "They make me sick." I pulled my hands away from his.

"Why?" He asked inquisitively. My bitter words didn't seem to deter him from prying.

"Two years ago, on this seemingly joyous holiday, my mom died."

He closed his eyes and nodded like he already knew my story. "I see. If you don't mind me asking, How? Was she sick?"

"No, I think if she were sick and died that would have made it better." I thought about my statement and truthfully, I really didn't feel that, but in my mind that was my justification. It gave me power to continue with my unresolved feeling I was dealing with, so I brushed that thought aside. I sighed heavily and continued my story, not once did I look at James in the face.

"We were all gathered for family holiday at my parents. It was two days before Christmas, and my mom went to the store to pick up something that she needed, a spice or something, and she never returned. We thought the delay was the holiday traffic and the number of people shopping. We tried calling her cell phone, but no answer. Finally, the police showed up just as my father and brother were heading out to search for her. Even with the police standing there, we weren't expecting that news; maybe an accident but not a fatality."

I slid down the side of the counter, and James grabbed my hands again. I clutched his hands extremely hard as if I never wanted to let go. I tried to absorb all the strength that he had and he seemed to have a lot. As I sat at the bottom of the counter, I felt like a child lost in a sea of emotions. I had never talked about my mom's death, not even to my brothers and sisters, I just cut that part of my life off. Before I could get control of my emotions, I cracked.

"I'm suffering and no one understands." I wailed. "My mom is dead, I want her back. This isn't fair, so unfair."

Before I could complete my emotional tirade, James began speaking, "Christine, everyone dies. You're not the only one who is dealing with loss and pain."

"Do they die on Christmas?" I snapped. "God knew that was my favorite holiday, couldn't she have died some other time?"

"Would it have mattered?" He asked.

I didn't reply. The dark cloud of depression and self pity seemed to engulf me deeper and deeper. I sat at the bottom of the counter holding James' hand sobbing uncontrollably. A part of me was surpised at my emotional release. I had held my anger and grief in for two years and kept others on the outside of my pain.

I peered upward through the glass counter to the small nativity scene in the glass lantern. Mary and Joseph stood hovering over baby Jesus. I thought about the Christmas story of Jesus' birth. I thought about how Mary was pregnant out of wedlock as God chose her to carry the savior of the world with her agreement. How awful that must have been. To be thirteen or fourteen and pregnant before your wedding, I'm sure people were talking about her. Making snide comments, telling her she was a whore. Questioning who she had slept with, ostracizing her with their religious self righteousness. Probably shunning her, she probably had no friends, after all who would want to associate with such an unspeakable low life girl.

I thought about all the comments that were made surrounding my mother's death. "That's why I don't go out late at night. I make a detailed list to make sure."

"It's going to be a sad holiday for them."

"Glad it's not me. I'll be praying."

"Only God knows why she had to go this way." And so on and so on.

My eyes moved toward Joseph. He was encouraged to not marry her, but he married her anyway after an Angel spoke to him in a dream. I'm sure the male bantering was just as bad as the female gossip.

At this moment, I realized that people experience loss in every area of their lives, relationships, respect, finances, health, and life. A part of me must have known this, but I pushed it away.

It must have been difficult for Mary to lose the respect of her family and friends, but she made the decision to move on and her life moved on. I thought about Joseph continuing with his decision to marry her. After all, he didn't have to choose to marry her even after the angel appeared to him, but he did. Both Mary and Joseph made a choice to continue their lives in the face of adversity and because of their choices' they went on to live their lives as they planned and had other children besides Jesus.

I thought about my family, how they moved on with their lives in the midst of our loss. They spent Christmas together last year while I bailed not wanting to face to not having my mother there. My sister gave me the family report. "It was hard without mom, but we had a nice Christmas, and yours?"

"It was nice, I spent if with friends," I lied. I sat at home grieving from the previous Christmas. I had allowed my life to become one big desert, barren with no life, no movement just dryness.

I realized I was still holding James' hand. "Have you ever loss anything?" I asked.

"Yes, Christine. I gave up my life for you."

I sat silently contemplating his answer. I slowly began to pull myself together. I looked at his hands that were previously old and withered, but now young, smooth with the appearance of brass. He began to pull me slowly to my feet. His piercing brown eyes now were red like fire and his hair resembled white snow hanging to his shoulders. His face once worn and wrinkled was now smooth truly reflecting his olive skin tone and brightness glowed from his face. The dark pants and white shirt he was wearing was now a shroud.

I felt my knees start to give way, but his strength held me steady. I was speechless and could not formulate any words. Time seemed to halt as I stood in his presence. Many things begin to transition within me at once. The fear, anger, grief, and anxiety I felt faded away.

"Christine, I've waited for this moment for two years. My love for you has not changed and I have good things in store for you if you want them," he said squeezing my hand.

I nodded, "I want that too, I just couldn't move on, because I only focused on me."

He pulled his hands away from mine and picked up the Christmas Lantern. "Christine, what do you see?"

I stared at the latern. I saw so much, I didn't know where to start. "I see a family that was brought together in adversity and shame. But, I see love, joy and happiness that could only come from the choice to move forward."

I glance quickly into his face for approval. He smiled as if nothing I said would be the wrong answer. He began to walk me through the store and describe each piece. Every statue, ornament and nativity scene had a story with a formidable start, tragic ending but a lesson to learn. I was so engrossed in every detail that I lost track of time and my real purpose for being here.

Finally, James (or Jesus I wasn't quite sure how to address him) was recounting how to move on by giving yourself away. I realized that in the past two years I had given nothing of myself to anyone. I felt I needed to hold on to what I had, it wasn't until I looked at the Christmas Lantern that I was free from my selfishness. The cloud of depression that had hovered over me had lifted. I felt unburdened, I couldn't wait to get home to see my family and tell them about my night. I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't realized that James had let go of my hand and was standing in front of me with the Christmas Lantern.

"Christine, this is for you. Merry Christmas, may it always remind you to give yourself away."

"Oh, I can pay.." I started digging in my purse.

"You already have."

I stopped digging and a tear rose to the brim of my eyes. "Thank you." I whispered.

I reached for the lantern, and James held open a silver bag which I put the lantern into. I stood there staring into James' face, not saying anything and not wanting to leave.

"Christine, the mall is going to close soon." He smiled gently.

"Have I been here that long?" I started to panic.

I had been here for over three hours, and I hadn't bought one gift. I quickly said goodbye again and began to exit the store. I guess old habits die hard, my procrastination of Christmas shopping had left me going home empty handed. Maybe I was delivered from the wrong thing I pondered as I wandered out into the crowded mall.

I wasn't far from the store when I realized I couldn't find my keys. I immediately returned to the store only to run into a metal cage with a sign, Hallmark store coming soon. Be wildered by the sign, I stood outside the cage peering in. The mall security approached me with curiosity.

"Ma'am, can I help you?"

"I was just in this store, and I think I left my keys inside." I replied.

"No," he said shaking his head, "there hasn't been a store in this location for about two years. As a matter of fact the card store has been coming for that long." He said pointing to the sign.

"I was just in here." I replied relentlessly.

The security guard shook his head, "Maybe you lost your bearing, what is the name of the store?"

"The Christmas Shop," I replied.

"No ma'am, there is no such store in this mall."

I held up my bag as evidence.

"Funny thing is, I get that a lot this time of year, but there is no such store. By the way, I think your keys are in the bottom of your bag," he said, walking away.

I opened the bag and pulled out the Christmas lantern and there in the bottom of the bag were my keys.

I turned in confusion looking again into the empty space. I know there was a store there. I looked in direction that the Security guard was heading. He had disappeared too.

At this point, I decided to leave, I still had two days to do my shopping. Maybe I would be gift enough since I had not been home in a couple of years.

I headed for the mall exit. I was still amazed at the amount of people still mulling through the mall, especially with it close to closing. The Santa Claus line had gotten smaller, but there were still quite a few children waiting for their photo shoot and their lists.

The music was still blaring through the mall, but it was not nearly as irritating as when I first arrived. After I passed Santa, I turned to see if the store was really gone. It really was, and I was still trying to put facts together in my mind. As I was deep in thought, I didn't realize that I had exited the mall until the frigid December air whipped across my face and pulled me back to my present reality.

I clinched my car keys tightly and headed toward my car. I sat in my car and thought about the few hours I spent in the mall. How am I going to explain this to my family, three hours in a mall and all I have to show for it is a Christmas Lantern? What would they think if I told them about my encounter with James, and then the store not being there? We were Christians and believed in miracles, but there are limits on every person's belief. I made the decision to stay silent and head home.

As I pulled into my parent's driveway, it seemed as if I had stepped back in time. Nothing had changed. Although dead and barren, I could see remnants of the bushes and shrubs that were alive and thriving in the summer. I guess my dad was keeping up with my mom's yard work or my sister was keeping it up. I sat there a few minutes and the door opened.

I saw my Dad peeping through the crack. Suddenly, all the hopelessness and dread of seeing my family vanished. I jumped out of the car with my one bag and ran toward the door like I was five. Excitement had overtaken me and the joy of seeing my father overrode any anxiety I had been feeling.

"Hi Daddy," I exclaimed as he hugged me tight.

"I thought you weren't going to come," He said with a little sorrow.

"No, I went to the mall."

"What did you buy?" He asked pulling on my bag.

By this time, I had entered the house. Everything was decorated just as if my mom were still alive. The candles lined each window in the living and dining room. The red tablecloth was on the dining room table, with poinsettias centerpiece adorning the center. The tree glistened with the white lights and red and silver decorations my mom loved. There seemed like a million presents under the tree and over the fireplace was a huge Christmas wreath decorated with red and gold flowers and leaves.

Before I could notice anything else, I felt my father tugging on my bag. "What's in here?"

Suddenly, I felt silly, "I, I.. I went to the store and bought a Christmas lantern." I replied pulling it out of the bag and showing it to him.

"Oh, you went to the Christmas Shop. Did you meet James?"

Before I could respond, my sister Tammy jolted from the Kitchen in full apron from her holiday cooking.
"Christine, don't pay any attention to Daddy, that store doesn't exist. He is making all that stuff up, there is no Christmas Shop and nobody named James."

I held up my Lantern for Tammy to see. "That's nice Christine. You can put that on the mantle beside the one Daddy got two years ago and the one Tommy got last year."

I looked at my dad, he winked at me, "Tammy hasn't met James yet," he said under his breath.

"Come on and give me hug and help me in kitchen," she said with her arms open wide.

I decided it was best not to argue with my sister, I placed the lantern on the mantle beside the others and gave my sister a big hug.

I guess I wasn't the only one who needed magic in my Christmas.