Humor Fiction posted November 24, 2017


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Four ex Commanders fall out on politics.

Knock Out Drag Out Fight

by Liberty Justice


Feeling charitable, one day, Billy Willy decided to get all the ex high-ranking Commanders together and get some celebrity advertising going. Such a goodwill occasion. would bring more popularity and make for great news. I think we should all help the poor and needy more than just once a year.

We should give money and goods like food and clothing all year. I know I have plenty of nice clothes I never wear. I think I will start a food and clothing drive. Even better, why shouldn't I tell all of my friends to run out and purchase $5 or $10 or even $20 or $100 gift cards, then we can walk to the homeless camps and hand them all out. "Won't they all have a happy holiday?"

Ok, I am going to need lots of volunteers who are good trustworthy people. and especially who are not scared of homeless people sleeping and camped out on busy city sidewalks and under bridges, living in makeshift cardboard boxes inserted inside each other to make their living quarters. You see, some homeless people, like myself are educated. I am an educated, homeless disabled vet sleeping downtown on this city corner with my two school aged children--one boy who is 8 and one girl who is 9.

We carry all our belongings in this book bag. I want you to know that all homeless hopeless helpless individuals ARE NOT ON DRUGS, just suffered some devastating losses like the lost their home through foreclosure or eviction due to the fact they lost their job, and, perhaps their wife of husband abandoned these VETS or disabled soldiers, or non-military homeless when we came back from the war. Some of our wives or husbands started romantic excursions and ran off with other men or women!

I saw one of my old Air Force buddies the other day and I asked him what the heck happened that he is on the streets, and I tripped over him? He replied, "Man, when I got out the service I was suffering with PTSD and I was angry all the time and kept hearing guns going off. My son and wife were terrified of me, so they packed up and ran off. We were losing our house anyway, and that medicine doctors gave me helped some. So here I am, man, out on these cold, dark, wet, dirty streets."

Well, y'all readers, I want you to know that I am telling this strange story in bits and pieces from beginning to end, to probably back to who knows where because, I, your narrator, Jack, was in the war, also, and I still hear them bombs and missiles going off. You see, I am Mr. PTSD, and my condition makes my thoughts jump all around and upside down.

The air was clean and fresh and the night was so young and festive; but, I had this weird feeling that something strange was about to go down. I just couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt it.

As I was saying awhile ago, listen to this. Also, the host figured charity events, charging $1000 a plate would help raise money for the poor, homeless children, and disabled vets. Such a great cause that people want to give so much to people who have so little.

So Georgie Porgie, Richie, Billy Willie, and Obbie threw a large gala at this Hollywood celebrity millionaire's home. Guests arrived in limos with tuxedos and long flowing gowns. Sparkling diamonds and red rubies adorned all the women's wrists and ears, as they strutted in on fancy designer high heel shoes. I should be so rich!

I saw waiters and cooks and even waitresses stuffing large tote bags and children's book bags with shrimp, baked fish, fried chicken and everything the cooks cooked up. I had a ball laughing on the inside pretending not to witness such a strange ball of confusion. Throughout the chaos employees kept bumping into each other, and that dang swinging wooden door kept slapping people in the face.

These food thieves had their own carry out to-go bags wrapped in large silver foil paper, torn greasy wax paper and large zip lock baggies. Heck these little hustlers had their own banquet to go. Don't you know, I wasted no time stuffing my coat pockets, pants pockets, socks, and even down my underwear.

Each food thief took turns being the look out while the other one ran to stuff their goodies in the trunk of their car. One of the cooks almost got caught when one of the hosts asked him what he was doing, and he slyly said, "Madam, I was just feeding scraps to the neighborhood homeless stray cats." We all held our laughter in until Ms Priss twisted on out the kitchen, because it was too hot in there for your highness.

All the four VIP's sat at one table with their wives, but Richie brought up politics. "I was the best Commander that ever ran the Big House in all of history." The room kept getting noisy as everybody was trying to listen to this heated debate. As the debaters quieted down a little, all the drinkers and festive eaters went back to their own little gossipy discussions.

But, suddenly somebody threw a glass against a wall, and narrowly missed a guest's head. You know that gentleman stomped right over to the VIP table and demanded to know, "Who tossed that freaking glass, you witches?"

"You telling a damn lie," Georgie Porgie spouted back. "I ran the Big House with an iron fist, and brought our soldiers back home from war, after the terrorists tried to bomb us out.

Looks like our VIP's drank a little too much; and, they were spewing the first foul things came out their mouths, as they took off their ties, unbuttoned their shirts, and rolled up their sleeves. Some of their facts were distorted, also.

Terrified and embarrassed, wives tried to push their husbands back down into their $1000 a plate dinners, to no avail. One VIP slapped his wife, and, even called her a name that rhymes with.

Billy Willy spun around and shouted, "Well, Georgie, you're the one started that gall-blasted senseless war in the first place, over there looking for gold in the desert; and, your butt never found no gold, just hard rocks and terrorists, you fool!" Billy Willy paused, but then continued. "I'm such a handsome fellow, and all the gorgeous women love me, because of my big blue eyes and beautiful smile. Oh, yeah!"

Obbie jumped up and announced, "Well, 'f' you, you scandalous Repubs, because the people love us Demos, and I stayed in office twelve years and cured the sick people and passed healthy bills."

Obbie's wife whispered, "No darling! You passed health care bills that helped cure sick people." "What woman, are you disputing me? Stand up and salute me, now, girl, and give me 100 push ups, right now, NOW!"

Richie stood up beating his chest like Tarzan and bellowing, "No, I was better than the best, and I developed electronics and listening devices that everybody everywhere uses, right now." Richie jumped upon top of this tall slanting table, and showed off his Iphone.

Spinning around, this huge smoke-filled room with thousands of guests became quiet all of a sudden, and all eyes were on the VIP table. Even the music stopped, as shocked people stared in surprise.

Billy Willy shouted, "Sit your dang butt down, Richie," as he threw a whole lemon pie with fluffy cream topping in Richie's face. Richie just stood there looking stunned like Ricky Ricardo in the I Love Lucy show, licking cream off his face. "Umm, good pie!"

Suddenly, Obbie started bragging about how he painted the Big House Black and he was the best 'SIP' in all of U.S. history. "Oh, sit your stinky Donkey ass, lying butt down," Georgie Porgie shouted as he stood on top of this elegant banquet table, walking over diners' food, punching Obbie in the mouth.

"Oh, heck no, you peanut-eating elephant Repub, take that," as Obbie, a Demo donkey, smashed his plate of watery mash potatoes in Georgie Porgie's red face and mangled hair.

Meanwhile, Billy Willy, also, labeled as the Demo donkey, stumbled to Obbie's rescue; but, he slipped on corn and greasy mashed potatoes, and split his pants wide open, showing his pink and green polka dot briefs with donkey faces.

All of the horrified wives of these four VIP's started trying to help their husbands back in their seats. Unfortunately, these high society women wearing $5,000 diamond-laced Gucci gowns, slipped on lemon pie, and whipped cream and bust their butts, also, and expensive jewelry flew off into the punch bowl.

"Ouch, I know that hurts," I squinted, as I watched people busting their butts on gold-plated hard marble flooring.

"Where is security when you need them? OH good here comes 10 security guards, now, trying to make it through all this mayhem without falling on their behinds too. Well, the police arrived flying with their lights and sirens and we thought they were going to drive right through those fortress doors because their alarms were so loud, causing everybody to panic, start screaming and run or crawl under the tables, in the bathrooms, in the kitchen or jump out this two story mansion windows. What a freaking mess straight out a comedy movie.

Somebody called Channel 8 and CNN, because these news-hungry camera men and camera women made their entrance slipping and sliding on spilled soup, hot brown gravy and mashed potatoes. "Yikes!" Somebody yelled. "Ya'll somebody call the police before someone really gets hurt!" "Hey fool," somebody yelled. "The police are right behind you with their night stick.

Don't know why the house alarms kept blaring off, but one of the overly intoxicated ladies threw her 6 inch heal hitting the alarm box and it squawked for the last time.

Pissed, the homeowner, Mr. Millionaire, yelled, Everybody to get the "f" out of my freaking home right, now, before everybody goes to jail in the paddy wagon. This freaked out host said, "I will never invite none of you, again; and, all of you, and your actions are going to be on the front cover of Celebrity magazines, and on the front page of the Times newspaper, tomorrow; because, I took pictures and made live videos of your insane escapades.

"Smile, you're all on candid camera," Mr. Millionaire laughed and cried at the same time.
"What a doggone pity. Shameful!"





Presidents Hanging Out contest entry


One night, four ex-Commanders got together at a $1,000 plated dinner at this millionaire's house. When they started talking politics, and who did the best job for their country, food and fists starting flying! What a mess! Shame on ya'll!

Man, this story was 1800 words and more, and the requirements
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

DISCLAIMER: This piece is purely fictional and meant for humor, and in no means is the intention to shame or state anything negative about any of the characters in this fantasy make believe story. Thank you very much for reading. Did you laugh or at least chuckle? I mainly like poems, but I tried my hand at writing a short story for the President's Hanging Out prompt. I hope you loved it, really I do!!
Pays one point and 2 member cents.


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