Humor Fiction posted November 21, 2017

This work has reached the exceptional level
The Story of Jack and the Beanstalk--sort of.

Jack and Jethro

by davisr (Rhonda)

Hi, this is Jethro. I'll make it simple for you humans. I'm a dog. No, Science Nerds, I'm not a product of some sort of DNA rearranging or super growth factor/hormone injections.

I'm a dog, plain and simple... a mutt if you have to know. Oops, sorry, designer dog. My mama was a well-bred poodle - show quality. My dad was the one with the designs... crawled over the fence, did his thing, and voila, here I am (note the French, I told you I was half poodle).

Don't really know what breed the old man was as he was a deadbeat dad who never stuck around to provide his info. No child support, no weekends chasing balls, no dog biscuits thrown my way. But who cares? Not me. Mom was great... I was loved... and I have Jack.

Jack, Jack. What a mess! He's actually the main subject of my story.

Once upon a time, Jack, and the rest of us, were terribly poor. Jack had a deadbeat dad, too. Okay, he was just dead, but still... he wasn't around for the hard times.

Jack's mom made him sell our only cow to get food to eat. I was pretty young at the time, and terribly active. I followed him to the market to sell her, imagining the huge bowl of Gravy Train I'd get when the deal was done.

Didn't happen. The silly kid traded Ol' Bessy for a handful of magic beans. Great, I don't even eat the stuff. It gives me gas.

So, we get home and Mom is ticked. She reams Jack out, and throws the beans out the window. Jack and I go to bed hungry and whipped. Oh well, never really was fond of the cow, or milk. I'm a pet dog, not one of those well-trained farm dogs.

But, I digress. The next morning, there's this huge stalk thingy growing out of the ground. It was so tall, we couldn't see the top.

Rather than doing the smart thing and cutting it up for firewood, Jack decides to climb it. Smart? Not really, but the young can be forgiven their follies.

So, up we climb. Yes, I could climb. I told you how hyper I was, and we all know I'm gifted.

You've probably heard the story. We met a giant, got away, rescued a damsel harp in distress, and stole a golden goose. It was all very exciting, let me tell you.

Well, we made it down the beanstalk with the giant hot on our heels. You can't really blame him, we did make off with a lot of booty. Point is, we beat him down the leafy pole, then chopped it down.

Bam! The stalk fell, the giant was killed, and a huge crater formed in the front yard. End of story? We live happily ever after? 'Fraid not.

It seems Giants have rights, too. Jack was charged as an adult, and ended up doing life in the Big House for murder.

It wasn't a pretty trial. The Giant's League pressed charges for murder, PETA showed up to complain about my treatment, and the Environmental Protection Agency leveled a complaint about the destruction of a new species of bean plant, and the damage done to the ground.

Jack would have gotten the death penalty but for his dear mother pleading for mercy. Mind you, she still had the golden goose no one seemed to know about, and had plenty of money to live a comfortable lifestyle, but she pulled off the poor mother act so well, Jack got off with a lighter sentence.

So, my real story begins late one night as I lay sleeping outside Jack's jail cell. It was a really small village, and there were no quality prisons for miles. Jack was snoring in the background, when lo and behold, the hag with the beans showed back up.

How long can old hags live, I ask? I don't know, but the skeletal cow was trailing behind her.

"Hey, Old Hag," I hailed. "What do you want? Haven't you caused enough trouble already?"

"Shut up, you worthless cur," said she, and aimed a kick at my side.

Well, I'm not as young as I used to be, and have arthritis from a fall off the bean stalk, but was agile enough to get away from her.

"I'm here to make amends. Where's Jack?"

"Just inside that window in the damp dark cell," I said.

Just at that moment, Jack stuck his head up. "What do you want, Old Hag? Haven't you caused enough trouble already?"

"That's what I asked." Another sharp booted kick in my direction shut me up.

"I'm here to make amends."

"You've got my attention," Jack said. He never was the smartest.

"I have some more of these magic beans for you."

"That didn't end well for me the first time."

"Ah, but this time they will. Plant them inside the dirt of your cell. Wait overnight, and a great stalk will form. All you have to do is climb up it and head off to the clouds where you can live in the abandoned Giant's house."

"I thought they demolished the place after they found the bodies of Englishmen strewn all over the place."

"The main house, yes, but not the servants' quarters. By your standards, it'll be a mansion. What do you say?"

"I don't have anything to trade you, but my dog Jethro."

"Hey, buddy, I've been here with you through thick and thin."

Another boot my way. This time I bit it. Instant regret. It tasted like that dead skunk I rolled in the other day. Any rate, she didn't go for it.

"I wouldn't take that worthless cur if you gave him to me."

"What then?"

"Your forgiveness."

Seriously? I thought. Ask for the silly goose that lays the golden eggs. Mom's doing pretty well with it.

"I can do that," Jack said, and reached for the beans.

"Say it," she insisted.

"I forgive you."

"Give us a kiss."

"Will you turn into a beautiful princess?"

"That's a different Fairy Tale."

Jack looked at me. I grimaced and made a spitting sound. Then, for the first time in his life, Jack did the right thing.

"I'd rather rot in jail."

The old hag turned tail and left. I plopped back down on the ground and put my head between my paws.

"Sorry, Old Boy, but I just couldn't do it."

"Don't worry," said I. "I nipped a few of those beans while she was leaning toward the bars. Let me rest a bit, and we'll plant these suckers."

Now, to bring this tale to an end, Jack and I live in a virtual palace in the sky and eat all the Gravy Train we want. Actually, he eats human food that is organic and gluten free.

Not a bad ending to a long tale, now is it?

The end.

A Furry Tale contest entry


Thank you for the wonderful artwork, "Dogs Best Friend" from our own Fan Art associate, Diannatilley

Had to take a break from the super long and terribly intense novel I'm writing.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Artwork by Diannatilley at

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