Humor Poetry posted October 23, 2017

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Chillin' with the Kid

Ted Williams' Head

by Mark Valentine

They called him “The Kid”, and the things that he did
With a bat still remain unsurpassed.
His batting renown includes two Triple Crowns,
Over five hundred homers amassed.

But we’re told all that’s gold, cannot stay – must grow old,
Every summer must turn into winter.
So with each passing year, it was clear we were near
Season’s end for our dear Splendid Splinter.

And while he was dyin’ his scion was tryin’
To make him immortal like Caesar.
Though despised and chastised, the plan he devised
Was to put Dear old Dad in a freezer.

Now, in Boston the cost of a full-body frost
Can be more than a little bit pricy.
To entice them to slice down the price of the ice,
His son asked (and it’s here things get dicey)…

“If he took up less space could the rates for this place
Be adjusted or somehow prorated?
Would this sleep be less steep were there less Ted to keep --
If we had my dad decapitated?”

So Ted is now dead, but his head’s in a shed,
Having been cryogenically frozen.
Though his noggin’s freeze dried, cast aside when he died
Was the rest of him - now decomposin’.

Now, I’m no great buff on this cryonics stuff,
But it seems to me right from the start,
That when Ted Williams thaws, he won’t play ball because
His son threw away the wrong part.

Baseball takes skill, it takes hustle and will,
But mentally, there’s not much to it.
You can still play good ball though you’ve no brains at all,
(The Washington Nationals do it).

Ted’s claim to his fame in our national game
Were his muscles and forearms and wrists.
So when he awakens and finds they’ve been taken,
I think the man’s gonna be pissed!

Poem of the Month contest entry


When Ted Williams died in 2002, his son, John Henry, had his head cryogenically frozen. At the time the Red Sox had not won a World Series since 1918 (they've since won three) so perhaps John Henry was thinking that Teddy Ballgame would one day be thawed and bring Boston back to the promised land,

Among Ted Williams nicknames were "The Kid", "The Splendid Splinter", and "Teddy Ballgame".
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