Satire Fiction posted October 16, 2017

This work has reached the exceptional level
Ronald Says It Like It Is

Randy Ronald

by Stacia Ann

The author has placed a warning on this post for language.

"Why are you here? We don't allow girls in here."

"I work in this office, Mr. Donaldson. I was hired yesterday. And I'm not a girl."

"What are you, then? One of them feminists?"

"Yes, actually, and I don't consider it an insult."

"Figures. You ugly girls are always feminists."

"Ron, that's not necessary. And she's not ugly."

"Shut up, Tom. This isn't about you. So you got a name, sweetheart?"


"Oh, a smart ass. What is it, then?"


"Shut up, Dave. So what's your name, honey?"


"Alice! You look like Alice, with the hair like daffodils and eyes like bluebells."

"I thought I was ugly."

"Oh, you're feisty, aren't you? Don't worry, I like 'em feisty. Well, Alice, does this seem like Wonderland to you?"

"I feel like I fell down the rabbit hole, certainly."

"Oh, ha, ha! You are feisty! Feisty Alice in Freakin' Wonderland."

"Ron. We need to talk to you. Over here, by the water cooler. Now."


"Man, you need to cool it."

"Don't worry, Dave. I'm the manager. I don't have to be politically correct. They let me do anything."

"That's just where you're wrong, Ron. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they file sexual harassment charges. Remember last time?"

"Nah. I just grab 'em by the pussy."


"Don't worry, Tom. I got this. I'm gonna have her in bed by tonight, guaranteed. Now excuse me. I'm busy....
So, sweetheart, you married? Not that it matters. Cat got your tongue? What's wrong--you one of those foreigners or forget English or something?"'

"Ronald. She's choosing not to answer because you're being a jerk."

"Don't touch me, Dave. You're not wearing a ring, Alice-in-Wonderland. You're not married."

"Because I'm not wearing a ring doesn't mean I'm unmarried."

"Honey, you're single. So have a drink with me tonight. My place."

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, your place. Or what's your favorite bar?"

"I don't have one. And I'm busy tonight."

"You hear that, Ron? She's busy tonight. Leave her alone."

"Tom, you oversensitive snowflake, get your hands off me. Women love me. You really want to go out with me, don't you, honey? Admit it. All women flirt with me, consciously or subconsciously." 

"Yes, with your bad toupee and fake tan, how could we help ourselves? You're so irresistible." 

"So you admit it. You want to go out with me." 

"No, that was sarcasm. I don't want to go out with you, Mr. Donaldson." 

"You know you do. All women do. And you said you do." 

"No, I didn't. I told you I was being sarcastic when I said you were irresistible. Get your hand away from my breast, please." 

"Ronald, she really didn't say she wants to go out with you." 

"Tom, she knows she wants me and won't admit it. I'm rich, I'm good-looking, and I'm like a breath of fresh air." 

"Yeah, dude. Air with fresh sewage." 

"Shut up, Dave. What are you doing tonight, sugar? You got a boyfriend? You must have a boyfriend with a body like that."

"No. I'm volunteering at a woman's shelter, if you must know."

"Ahhhh. Volunteering at a woman's shelter. Now it's all clear."

"What is all clear, Mr. Donaldson?"

"You're a liberal. And a lesbian. Just sayin' it like it is."

"No, that's actually not like it is. I'm liberal but not gay. Because a woman doesn't want to go out with you doesn't make her gay."

"Feisty. Too feisty. You're a little liberal lesbian bitch, aren't you?"

"Ronald! Jesus, she is going to file charges."

"I probably am, David. And whatever you say, Mr. Donaldson--I'm a lesbian because I don't want to go out with you. And you know what you are? You're a filthy, semi-literate, sexually frustrated old pervert."

"Wh--what? How dare you talk to me like that?"

"Ron, you got to admit, you had that coming."

"No! Shut up, Dave. You--hypocrite, Alice-in-Wonderland!"

"My last name is Simon, actually, not 'in Wonderland.' Why am I a hypocrite, Mr. Donaldson?"

"Liberals--are supposed to be tolerant. You brag about your tolerance all the time. You're supposed to be nice!"

"Oh, is that what they told you? Well, they lied. I'm liberal but no saint. Look, I've got to go."

"Where are you going? You just got here."

"Down to Human Resources. Have some paperwork to file. You sicko."


"Just sayin' it like it is, Donaldson."


Dialogue Only Writing Contest contest entry

Once again dedicated to those who see the current administration as above criticism or comment.

Thank you, seshadri_sreenivasan, for the great artwork.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Artwork by seshadri_sreenivasan at

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