The day the world ended was the day you died mom. I know that sounds a little extreme, and especially since I work in a field where people are always dying and I have seen my share of families also dying. This was different, and the only way it can be explained is that it was an overwhelming feeling that life as I know it was over. The day you died, I felt like my world crashed around me. I felt so bewildered, like I was a ship that had gone adrift in the vast sea. The perception for me at this time was bewildered, and confused, because I no longer had you to comfort me in this time of sorrow. You were always there for me when I was sad or sick, and now you are gone from this world and far too quick for me to accept. I cannot believe that you are gone from my sight; I am still in shock that you are here no more.
Letter one - Mom, the next day, day two after you had die was a very hard day for me. I did not sleep but maybe an hour and I was feeling so much anguish. The day was hard to just get up. I had to call my friend to comfort me, like I would call you. This comfort is not like yours and I still felt empty and alone without you. I decided to write an article on daughters losing their mothers as therapy for losing you. I cried the whole time I wrote it. I should have written an article on the world ending, because I feel like I am trying to survive the holocaust.
Letter two - Mom, on day three I had to talk with someone about the pain I have missing you. I am having one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life, because you are not here. I want to be strong for you, but it is so hard, because of not having you here. I do not think anyone could understand what I am feeling or how hard it is for me every day you are not here. People lose people every day and only someone who has lost someone so close can understand the pain.
Letter three - Mom, the rest of week was pretty much the same, I get up after trying to sleep, and I keep waking up the same time every day almost as I was waking up in memory of your passing. I just exist, like a robot that is programmed to do certain things. I cry every day sometimes all day because you are no longer here and my world has crashed. I try to write something as therapy to help alleviate the pain and emptiness I am feeling. This sometimes helps and sometimes makes it worst. I realize I am lost and walking in a fog. The day I went back to work was a small help to forget my pain. It only lasted for a short time, because the pain managed to come through and I cried, except it was silent tears no one could see.
Letter four - Mom, it has been a week and today I cried and cried as if it happened all over again. I was hoping that by this time I would have accepted your death and able to get back to life. That is not the case and like a soldier that went to war and came back home, life is not the same, I am not the same. I have been changed both emotionally and psychologically. I feel I am in a dream and I want to wake up. Except unlike a dream, it is more like a living nightmare. Everything, everyone reminds me you are gone. A daughter who loses her mother has a hard time; a wife that loses her husband has a hard time. Anyone who loses someone they have had in their life for many years must feel like I feel. I sense the lost of a part of myself.
Letter five - Mom, it is now months since you have gone from my sight, but you are not forgotten, and I find myself talking to you every day. This has brought me some peace, but not much, and I wonder, if I will ever accept you are gone from my life. I also wonder and wish for you to visit me in my dreams or in that time just before sleep when the mind is open and the vale to the other world is lifted. I still feel my world has ended, but I am trying to rebuild it piece by piece, day by day. I still find myself crying at times and I know I still have not dealt with your passing. I have buried my grief, because of the need or is it the expectations of being strong and strong for you.
Letter six -- Mom, I still miss you and wish to see you today and will for many years. I know I will continue to talk to you as though you are here. I know in my heart you are watching over me and will every day. I also feel in my heart you will be there the day I die to help me move to the next dimension or whatever place it may be. I feel I will see you again one day or even in my dreams. I feel you will be there to warn me of things and still protect me like you did when I was a child. I have days I feel your presence and I have days where I feel your love and will always feel your love no matter what.
Letter seven - Mom, the day you died it felt like my world ended. I felt so off course, and so isolated. I know I was not alone, and I know that I need to move on, but my heart does not want to listen to my head. Death is the critical loss and even though everyone expects to bury their parents eventually, it is still a loss a loss of self that will never come back. This emotional shock that toke the wind out of my sails, and I may never fully recover. Mom, the day you died my whole world, my family, and everything I knew changed forever.
Letter eight -- Mom many months has passed it is almost a year since you have left this world, and I am still crying. Every day it takes all I have to face the world without you. I know if you were here now you would be telling me that I am and will be all right, because I have friends and a husband who loves me very much. I would agree with you, but I still miss you every day. I am able to sleep now, and I do enjoy the conversations I have with you in my dreams, and I still feel your love every day. I would also like to add mom this is my last letter to you in heaven, because even though I still feel the pain of your passing, I am learning to live with it, and I find myself doing things that I know you love to see me do, and the one thing I know you would want me to do is to go on living. I am going to go on living for you, and I know how strange that sounds, but it is what I must do. I know I will see you again, but I do not know when. I love you mom and I know you love me and the love between a mother and daughter is a strong love that last forever, long after death.