|Humor Script posted February 20, 2017|
Reality Check 2
The setting. The White House. REALITY is escorted into the Oval Office where he finds Vice-President Mike Pence waiting for him.
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: Reality, thank God you’re here! I’m afraid it’s gotten more serious since your last visit. He’s not been taking his meds.
REALITY: Did you try stirring them into his chocolate milk?
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: Didn’t seem to work. We might need to try a higher dosage.
REALITY: Or, it may just be that there is no cure for stupid. Sometimes you just have to contain it. Where is he?
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: He’s in the Alternate Situation Room.
REALITY: What’s the matter? Couldn’t he find the real one?
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: We thought it best if we kept him away from that one. You know, with the buttons, and working telephones and all. Besides he’d rather not be apprised of actual events, so this is a win-win.
REALITY: So what is the Alternate Situation Room?
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: It’s Sasha and Malia’s old room. We made it up to look like a war room.
REALITY: Wow, that must have taken a lot of effort.
VICE-PRESIDENT PENCE: You’d be surprised how easy it was. We just put in some office chairs, and a big screen version of Electronic Battleship. It keeps him busy. He’s in there now with the ANST.
REALITY: The ANST?
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: The Alternate National Security Team.
REALITY: Who are they?
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: You’ll see. Let’s go in.
Vice-President Pence knocks at the door.
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: It’s Afterthought, Mr. President. (to Reality) That’s my Secret Service code name.
THE PRESIDENT: Come in.
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: Mr. President, you remember Reality. You guys met briefly a couple of weeks ago.
THE PRESIDENT: Doesn’t ring a bell.
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: We thought that Reality might be able to help out with some of the urgent national security threats our country is facing.
THE PRESIDENT: I’ve got all the help I need.
REALITY: Remember sir, that you have the IQ of lettuce.
THE PRESIDENT: Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting.
REALITY: Understandable. Sir, I feel compelled to tell you that you’re sitting at a table with a bunch of stuffed animals.
A man sitting at the table clears his throat:
REALITY: Oh, sorry didn’t see you there. You’re sitting at a table with a bunch of stuffed animals, and Steve Bannon.
THE PRESIDENT: These are not stuffed animals. I’ll have you know that this distinguished gentleman to my right is Brigadier General Teddy McGrizzlie. He’s an Eight Star General. That’s a record for the most stars. And to his right is the world’s leading counter-terrorism expert, Simon J. Quackington.
REALITY: Sir, have you noticed that Mr. Quackington squeaks when you squeeze him? Why do you think that is sir?
THE PRESIDENT: Ticklish, I guess. Next to him is Steve Bannon.
STEVE BANNON: Hi
REALITY: Hello, Mr. Bannon.
THE PRESIDENT: I’m sure you recognize the gentleman to his right.
REALITY: That would be Batman.
THE PRESIDENT: Absolutely, God-damned right, it’s Batman. I told you I have the best team. And finally, we have Lt. Colonel Woofy Wooferton.
REALITY: Sir, with the exception of Mr. Bannon, do you hear any of these advisors speaking to you right now?
THE PRESIDENT: Of course, General McGrizzlie was just telling me that he has evidence that last night’s terrorist attack in Sweden and the Bowling Green Massacre may have been carried out by the same group.
REALITY: There may be something to that sir.
THE PRESIDENT: We suspect it’s this band of terrorists right here. (points to a poster on the wall)
REALITY: Sir, those are the Jonas Brothers. (looks at Pence)
VICE–PRESIDENT PENCE: (to Reality) Oops, I guess Sasha forgot to take that with her.
THE PRESIDENT: I have reason to believe that they’re hiding out in sector B7. Bannon, order a nuclear attack on sector B7. Watch this.
Bannon presses a button on the Electronic Battleship console. A voice from the screen says “Miss”.
THE PRESIDENT: Dammit.
REALITY: You’ll get ‘em next time sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Damn right. I’ve already sunk their destroyer.
REALITY: Very nice sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Our next order of business is to do something about the millions of terrorists streaming into our country from Syria, Iran, Iraq, Yemen, Sudan, Somalia, and Libya. They have been responsible for thousands of terrorists attacks on our soil since 9-11.
REALITY: The actual number is zero, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Who do you expect me to believe, you or Mr. Quackington? He’s an expert you know. Anyway those crooked judges wouldn’t let me ban them. They say it’s not allowed by something called the Constitution.
REALITY: You should really take a look at that sometime sir.
THE PRESIDENT: You kidding? That thing is like 10 pages long! I’ll wait for the movie. Anyway, I’ll see those judges in court.
REALITY: Sir, they’re already in... never mind.
THE PRESIDENT: Thanks to Obama, these terrorists are just streaming into our country.
REALITY: They don’t have to fill out a form or anything?
THE PRESIDENT: Nope. They just show up in New York and say “Obama sent me” and they get waved right in. Do you have any idea what I inherited?
REALITY: A lot of money from your father?
THE PRESIDENT: A mess! Unemployment is at 40%
REALITY: The actual number is 4.9% sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Did you get that from the fake media? They’re all fake you know – sad. Except for Fox and Breitbart – they treat me nice.
REALITY: The 4.9% comes from the Bureau of Labor Statistics sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Was it reported on Fox News?
REALITY: Probably not, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Then it couldn’t have happened. Oh, there’s the hotline – must be the Kremlin.
REALITY: That’s a toy phone sir.
The President ignores him and picks up the receiver on a red plastic telephone.
THE PRESIDENT: Hi Vlad… what’s that?... I’m wearing a white cotton bathrobe... What are YOU wearing?
REALITY: I’m outta here.
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