Humor Script posted January 9, 2017

This work has reached the exceptional level

Scenes from a Marriage: Vol. 17

by Mark Valentine

THE SCENE: The Valentine living room. The girls – Casey, and Mary Meg, are home from college for Christmas break. They, along with Mark and Maggie are sitting in the living room. Mark and Maggie’s son David is missing.
MARK: Where’s Dave?
CASEY: In his room.
MARK: (loudly, so that Dave can hear) HEY DAVE, COME OUT HERE.
DAVE: (from behind his bedroom door) WHY?
Dave comes in and sits on the couch next to Maggie. Mark re-directs him.
MARK: No, we have to assume our basking positions. Dave, you sit there. Mary Meg and Casey on the couch.
MAGGIE: I’m not moving.
MARK: You’re good where you’re at. Mary Meg and Casey, scooch a little closer together. That’s what I’m talking about. Do you know who we are?
CASEY: Hounds of the Baskerevilles?
MARY MEG: Baskin Robbins?
MARK: Absolutely. If we were an Edgar Allan Poe story we would be…
MAGGIE: The Pit and the Pendulum?
MARK: I don’t think you understand how this game is played. Dave, tell her the correct answer.
DAVE: The Bask of Amontillado.
MARK: (to Maggie) How did you not get that? It was easy.
CASEY: It’s cold in here.
MARK: Perfect for basking. That’s what the blankets are for. Plus, I put a fire in the fireplace.
CASEY: I’m still freezing.
MARK: If you were a vice president who would you be?
CASEY: Aaron Brrr.
MARK: (looking at Maggie) There – see how it’s done? Now if she were a poet she would be…
MARY MEG: Robert Frost.
DAVE: Samuel Taylor COLDridge.
MARK: Let mom try.
MAGGIE: Emily Dickinson.
MARK: Wow. You are really bad at this.
MAGGIE: Well, I don’t spend all my free time making up idiotic puns.
MARK: ah-ah-ah. First rule of basking – no calling your husband an idiot.
MAGGIE: I didn’t call you an idiot. I simply said that the things that come out of your mouth are idiotic.
Maggie hands out blankets to everyone
MARK: OK, everyone’s in their places, let the basking commence!
MARY MEG: What do we do?
MARK: We bask.
MARK: Yes, we bask in the glow.
MARK: Christmas. And each other – what part of this don’t you get? The whole family is together. The tree is up. These are perfect basking conditions.
CASEY: So, we just sit here?
MARK: We can talk.
CASEY: About?
MARK: Stuff. What’s happening in the world of young people these days?
CASEY: That’s a pretty broad topic, Dad. Can you narrow it down a bit?
MARK: OK, who are the big music acts these days? Mary Meg –who’s on that poster you have in your room?
MARY MEG: That’s Chance the Rapper. He’s from Chicago.
MARK: I take it he’s a rapper.
MARY MEG: Amazing how you figured that out.
MARK: It was nice of him to choose a name that spelled that out for me. You know, so I didn’t accidentally buy his album thinking it was real music.
MARY MEG: First of all, rap is real music. Secondly, there are no more albums.
MARK: I’m sorry, CDs.
MARY MEG: Nope, they’re obsolete too.
MARK: Hard to keep up with the changes. Well, I still have albums and CDs. I particularly like the ones by Tony Bennett the Singer.
MARY MEG: Don’t you have any music more modern than that?
MARK: They stopped making music in the seventies.
MARY MEG: Why is that?
MARK: Things got too chaotic. It was a very violent decade.
MARY MEG: I thought the sixties were the violent decade.
MARK: The seventies too. Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting
CASEY: Wow, that must have been frightening.
MARK: A little bit.
MAGGIE: By the way, speaking of frightening, I meant to tell you, I saw a mouse on the back porch this morning.
MARK: I’ll get some more glue traps tomorrow.
CASEY: Eeww – those things are inhumane!
MARK: Well, fortunately we’re not using them on humans. Hey, did Dave and I tell you about our new idea for a better mouse trap?
MAGGIE: Please don’t.
DAVE: Get this, it’s like a roach motel, but it’s gigantic – holds over a hundred mice.
MARK: Yeah and it works with gas, so it’s less cruel and quieter.
DAVE: The best part is the name. Guess what it’s called?
MAGGIE: Don’t even tell me it’s Mouseschwitz.
MARK: No, of course not.
MAGGIE: You were going to call it Mouseschwitz, weren't you? You can't do that. We’ve talked about the whole Nazi thing being off limits for jokes right?
MARK: Mel Brooks did it.
MAGGIE: You’re not Mel Brooks. Let’s watch TV.
MARK: OK, but it has to be something Christmassy.
MARY MEG: That’s all that’s on this time of year.
Maggie flips through the channels, stopping on a station airing “The Wizard of Oz”.
MARK: Not Christmassy enough.

Maggie's about to flip channels when Dave spots munchkins in military uniforms with weapons.
DAVE: Wait, I never noticed that before, the Munchkins had a standing army?
CASEY: I never noticed that either.
DAVE: And they were afraid of a little girl?
MARY MEG: Well, in their defense, they thought she might be a witch.
DAVE: Still, they’re soldiers.
MARY MEG: Yeah, but the Wicked Witch of the West had those flying monkeys.
MARK: You know, this movie was made in 1939. Right after it was over, the munchkins enlisted in the French army. The rest is history.
MAGGIE: You’re getting close to Nazi territory again.
MARK: I can’t make fun of the French army? John Cleese does it.
MAGGIE: You’re not John Cleese.
MARK: I can’t be Mel Brooks or John Cleese? You’re hemming me in pretty tight here. If you were a Canadian Island, you know what you would be?
MAGGIE: Wait, don’t tell me. I can get this one.
CASEY: Ooh, ooh, I know!
MARK: No, let mom do this one by herself. No hints.
MAGGIE: I got it! Nofunland!
All the children get up and high-five Maggie.
MAGGIE: Give me another one.
MARK: OK – this one mentions World War II, but there are no Nazis, OK?
MAGGIE: I guess so.
MARK: If you were a piece of World War II grafitti, what would you say?
MAGGIE: Killjoy was here.
MARK: Two in a row! By George, I think she’s got it!
MAGGIE: I’m not sure I like this game.
MARK: Why not? It’s fun.
MAGGIE: It’s fun for you, but everyone is laughing at me.
MARK: No, we’re not laughing AT you, we’re laughing… OK, we are laughing at you, but isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
MAGGIE: Not even close.
MARY MEG: Hey, “It’s a Wonderful Life” is on.
CASEY: We’ve already watched that three time since we’ve been home.
MARK: Yeah, but it’s a great movie with a timeless message.
MARY MEG: And, what is that?
CASEY: That no matter how bad you think you have it, it could always be worse. You could grow up to be an unmarried librarian.
MARY MEG: The horror!
MAGGIE: Shh – it’s starting.
They turn their attention to the movie. It is the opening scene, where the angels converse:

SENIOR ANGEL: Hello Joseph, trouble?
JOSEPH: Looks like we'll have to send someone down. There are a lot of people asking for help for a man named George Bailey.
SENIOR ANGEL: George Bailey? Yes! Tonight's his crucial night. You're right. We'll have to send someone down immediately. Whose turn is it?
JOSEPH: That's why I came to see you, sir. It's that clock maker's turn again.
SENIOR ANGEL: [chuckles] Oh, Clarence. Hasn't gotten his wings yet, has he?
JOSEPH: We passed him up right along. Because, you know sir, he's got the IQ of a rabbit.
SENIOR ANGEL: Yes, but he's got the faith of a child. Simple. Joseph, send for Clarence.
DAVE: Why does he need faith? He’s a freakin’ angel! He literally died and went to heaven, and he’s still not sure about the whole God thing?
MAGGIE: Are you guys gonna talk through the whole movie?
DAVE: Probably.
Mark gets up to make some popcorn, talking to himself as he goes.
MARK: That’s what I’m talking about - we’re basking baby. We’re basking.



The girls were home from college for Christmas break. Casey is 21, Mary Meg is 19, and David is 17. Maggie is 56 (but looks much younger). I am 57 and declining rapidly.
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