Dear Tom

by michaelcahill

Dear Tom,

Oh, glory, Fanstory
slick like an eel
(maybe moray)
has bit me and I must blame YOU

these damn people convinced me
I am chips, a full bag,
maybe more ...
ev'ry one of them reads me and sez,
"holy crap! you're the Shakespeare, the Bard
of this place--we ADORE!"

but the publishers tell me
things I can't say here
or I 'd needs put up that
unholy wall that none can resist
'cause it's naughty and
no one will know we read every word
.... well, so I've heard

they don't just reject me
they stalk me and hex me
I'm banned in twelve states
just in case I self-publish
I've got some court dates

anywayyyyyyyyy

this place has some aspects
quite social in nature
a wonderland crawling with girls
I looked around and thought
look at these hicks
I'm caviar seeking some curls
(you see, I can write, yep, I'm slick)

Wellllll, I thought I could
score with some chicks
I figured they'd soon be beguiled
but lo and behold they don't dig
hippy dudes

they crave mindless musings of Sir Reconciled
though his pictures a hunnert years old
it seems somewhere their sense has been filed

so, I went for older
I thought that was bolder
surely I've charm for old dames
ain't no shame
I thought, "what a cinch"
but they like the Grinch
crusty Domino toppled my game

well, how 'bout some witches or ghouls
I guess I must sacrifice looks
but they've saved their spleens and their brains
for Dean Kuch

Now that brings me to
dear sister Gypsy
and I'm certainly quite a bit tipsy
so, I can't be beholden
If I seem like I'm scoldin'

BUT....
she had the nerve with some
style and some verve
to attempt to roast
wondrous ME
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

She says I'm her brother
so, the wolfman's our mother?
no wonder I howl when I pee
I thought the cold water
down under the bridge
made me scream like my member
had entered a fridge

anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

I saw Gypsy's picture and LAWD it's the worst
I think she's not clear on the rules of the curse
you find a poor soul you'd wish kept on the shelf
you don't put a curse on your miserable self!

But there is a God
Cause I hear Dean's quite foolish
he's got really weird taste
he LIKES his chicks GHOULISH!

Annnnnnddddddd

those who talk about me behind my back
talk to those who talk to me too
that's what people who like to talk do
a secret's not a secret
when I already knew
you may wonder have ya reason for envy
all I can say is ...whooooo hooooooo!!!!

So, I found out my writing's
the site's inside joke
I ain't nowhere near
a smoking hot bloke

I thought I was surely
the host with the most
the wonderful man all would toast

reality sucks

I once thought I was grand
but, I'm the poor fool I must roast

Thanks, a bunch, Tom
mikey

P.S. I hate the name "mikey" too.

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Dear Tom

by michaelcahill

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