Humor Poetry posted October 2, 2016

This work has reached the exceptional level
Satanic verses come to Chitown

Slammin' with Satan

by Mark Valentine

The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The devil went down to Illinois (and, yes – she does wear Prada),
Looking for some souls to steal and… yada, yada, yada….
Next thing I know, she offers me a literary wager.
(Little did she know I used to be an English major.)
Says she, “You like to write, I hear, and tend to wax poetically,
I’m something of a poet too, so let’s say, hypothetically,
We were to have a contest – like they do on that Fanstory,
And if you won, your prize would be unfathomable glory.
Your fame would be like Hemingway’s – known all throughout the earth.
And if I won, I’d get your soul – you know, for what that’s worth.
So what say you – have we a bet? Or maybe you’re just chicken.
Glory or obscurity? Which one you gonna pick?”
She cast an evil glare my way, befitting of Iago.
I said, “You think I’m scared of you? Bitch, please! I’m from Chicago.”
“Ooh, tough guy’s from Chicago” she said, deviously smiling.
“Well, ‘When in Rome’ I always say – you up for some freestyling?”

“Sure, Why not? Rhymes are rhymes. The forms, to me, don’t matter.
You go first”
I said, and threw my best ‘tough guy’ look at her.
Said she, “Well then, let’s do this thing.” I paused, then uttered “Yup, let’s.”
She grabbed the mic, shook back her hair, and started dropping couplets.
Language is my stock in trade, thus no Midwestern twerp’ll
Stand a chance against a gal who finds a rhyme for “purple”.
You use your words to entertain, or impress your employers,
But I use words to steal souls – I learned that from the lawyers.
You wanna throw down rhymes with me? You’ll soon find that I’m dangerous.
Your ego’s like your skin my friend – all wrinkled up and mangerous.
You strut your stuff ‘round Fanstory like you just won a marathon.
You want a medal for that crap? Or just a chest to wear it on?
So why don’t you just turn around – be careful of that door hinge,
It’s spring-loaded, and so the door might turn your white ass orange
When it hits you from behind as you are on your way out.
Before you go though - sign right here, so I can get my payout.

If freestyle be the food of love – you’d starve. Art thou quite donth?
I droppeth better rhymes than those least thirty times a month.
I thought you’d make a better foe, but now I guess I see ya
Got nothing much to offer here, but verbal diarrhea .
Your tendency to force bad rhymes on words that are refractory,
Has fomented a fetid funk that offends my olfactory.
Let’s see, what is that smell that takes my memr’ys’ chain and pulls it?
It starts with ‘b’, I think… I’ve got it! That’s the smell of bullshit!
When it comes to rhyming skills, my dog is better company.
So why don’t you go back to hell? (Say hi to Donald Trump from me.)
It’s been a pleasure pwning you. I’ve had a lot of fun here.
But now it’s time to claim my prize and drop the mic – we’re done here.

And as for what came next, my friends – it truly is a pity.
You see, the voting was left to some Fanstory committee.
Now I’m not saying that the vote was rigged, or somehow crooked,
But you can prob’ly guess who won – that’s right, our friend Dean Kuch did.
And he wasn’t even in the contest!


Forza Rima contest entry


Refractory - English words that have no exact rhyme. Examples are purple, silver, orange, month, dangerous, and marathon

Pwn - (rhymes with "own") a slang term for "owning" or humiliating someone in a contest.

And, it goes without saying that Fanstory contests are rigged in Dean's favor because they, for some reason, tend to reward superior talent.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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