Essay Non-Fiction posted May 31, 2016

This work has reached the exceptional level
A Junior College Grade Essay

Kiss My Fanstory

by michaelcahill

GRATUITOUS USE IF THE F WORD The author has placed a warning on this post for language.

Fanstory. What in the world is a Fanstory anyway? Don’t you all find it to be an awfully strange name for an organization devoted to writing excellence? I think it’s weird as hell to be honest. Why not the Shakespeare Society? Oh, here’s a good one: XXXXX Is SOOOO HotStory. Well, that’s already a web site, so that’s out. (message me)   ---name X'd out due to anonymity---

Should I address the structural aspects of the site? The quantity versus quality aspects of rankings make for a rousing debate. I love how excited the folks, who claim the ratings don’t mean anything, get about the ratings.
Are the stars out tonight? They don’t mean anything either. But you best give me the proper damn amount, or I’M GONNA TELL!

How about the rigged contests? I clicked on an entry the other day and a gondola popped out of my screen, and suddenly I was on the canals of Venice with Rosie Perez going under a dark bridge. Of course, the writing was stellar, and that’s why the entry got my vote. Rosie? (message me)

Speaking of contests, I had the strangest revelation. I went to check the booths, ya know, to vote for my buddies regardless of the quality of the pieces in the contest. OH CRAP, there were four of my buddies in it. So I started asking around. I found out, we’re all each other’s fans. Yep, the whole damn things a pyramid scam. Your fan list is a total fraud. These damn people are fanning everybody. “YOUR FANS”? HA! They’re everybody’s fans. WHORES!

Well, check your account for member cent pumps. LET THE PUMPING BEGIN! The price of votes just went up. Let me do a quick calculation here … mmm … three more phony accounts at say eight bucks a pop, three extra I.P. addresses at say forty bucks, three phones … I’ll go cheap, twenty bucks, a onetime purchase amortized over a year … okay, it’s going to cost me over one hundred and twenty-five dollars for each contest to win thirteen dollars in fake money with the new split. Not bad. The notoriety and kudos from my fellow writers? Priceless.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the structure is fine. It’s designed somewhat on the honor system. You review me and I’ll review you. The more you do, the more success you’ll have. As a bonus, if you’re good at it, you’ll enjoy even more success. Yes, quality does matter, all things being equal.

Of course, the key word in all of this is

WARNING: I’m done being sarcastic and semi-amusing now. This is where the language might get a little colourful as I’m somewhat pissed at the people here. So, you may cease reading HERE if you don’t appreciate bad language and unfriendly comments and accusations.

FUCK! Just checking.

This collection of individuals is sorely lacking in honor in general. You may add courage, honesty and integrity to the list, while we are at it.

Who’s to blame? Well, I know people love to blame Tom for everything, from their shitty writing to the streak in their underwear. Is it Tom’s fault? Well, does Tom review the work written here? Does Tom do the voting in contests? What does Tom do? I think he runs this business? I know he reads a shitload of complaints every day. I imagine he tries his best to handle as many as he can.

Brooke? Maureen? Gungalo? Really? You have the unmitigated gall and audacity to blame the shit that’s going on here on those fine women? I clearly remember how they operated here and what they stood for. I haven’t forgotten. No, don’t mention any of those names unless you are standing up in their honor and fighting for what they stood for. They are, and always will be, part of the solution.

I’m pretty sure though that it isn’t against site policy to be a rude asshole. Being a prick or a backstabbing, gossiping bitch is also within site guidelines. Sending private messages, bad-mouthing fellow members is perfectly legal activity here at Fanstory. Hell, you can e-mail each other, get on Facebook, or call each other on your cells. You can strip down naked, Skype each other, have cocktails and plot how to screw over another member all night long, if that floats your boat.

Guess what? Not much we can do about it if people want to conspire behind our backs to undermine us.

However, I read things written right out in the open here that are ignored. I see people bad mouthed by name in reviews and no one says a word. Really? How the fuck is that okay? How can you read an insult to your friend, written for all to see, and just pass it right by? THEN, you consort with the prick or bitch that insulted them. Who needs a fucking friend like YOU? Defend your fucking friend! I have to tell you?

Or is turning your back on your friend "Fanstory" honor?

It’s okay to get a review from someone who didn’t read your work and wrote anything in the box to get the payout? Don’t you feel like you got screwed? You like being made a fool of? Enjoy. You can see where encouraging that kind of behavior with, “Thank you, I’ll have another” sends a message to everyone that THIS is the road to success, yes?

You approve of plagiarism? Lifting things off the internet and entering them verbatim is okay with you? Just asking.

Voting. You sure like to bitch about contests here. OH MY GOD! The same person wins every single contest every time. I used to win a lot of contests. I got tired of being called a fuckin’ cheater, so I stopped entering them. Apparently I write nothing but dog shit and didn’t deserve a single win. Of course, I won most of the contests by a five to three vote, or seven to five in a hotly contested one. Let’s see, twenty-five to thirty votes per contest out of hundreds and hundreds of members … ALL bitching and complaining.

Okay, I’ve got it. This is flat fucking genius. Why the fuck don’t you crybabies just vote in the damn contests that you bitch about constantly? Do you think that might solve the problem? I doubt any of the hardcore cheaters could muster up thirty votes. I could never get more than four or five myself.

Now, you may be wondering what the hell I’m doing here if I’m so down on this place.

I’m talking about a small group of assholes who have taken over this place while most of the people here just watch. I have people here I love and admire, lots of them. Most of the people here are fine, decent people who are here for the right reason.

Why are any of us here? Aren’t we here to write some stuff and see what people think of it? Aren’t we here to try and become better writers and help others become better as well? Fuck me. Aren’t we just a bunch of writers who want to hang out with other writers and write stuff?

I’ve said this a hundred times. Everything you need to become a better writer and a published writer, if you acquire the skills, is here. Nowhere else on Earth has the incredible resources that are right here. Exceptional writers in every genre are a click away. There are editors, professional reviewers, publishers, you name it, right here a click away. I learned EVERYTHING I know about writing here.

There are two solutions.

ONE: We all vow to do the right and honorable thing. We stand up for each other. We stop supporting charlatans and thieves, and thanking them for screwing us. You see your friends name being dragged through the mud, speak up. A lot of people did that recently, and we did get SOME results. But quantity talks in these situations. Me and my big mouth doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. A hundred of us standing together is a hell of a noise that cannot be ignored.

TWO: This is my current mode. I’ve washed my hands of the whole damn thing as best I can. I’m still pissed obviously. But … I’m trying to hang out with my friends and ignore the rest of the crap that goes on here. They have some fun challenges on Saturday and Sunday. During the week, when I’m less pissed, I talk and interact with the people I like. The rest of the world can fuck-diddly-uck off. I don’t think it’s a good solution, but I’m not leaving, and I have to find a way to make this tolerable.

In conclusion. I may be obnoxious and loud, but tell me this isn’t true.

Oh, and don’t forget, XXXXX Is Soooo HotStory. (message me)

(don't worry, I'll fill in the name after the contest)


Fanstory contest entry

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