Humor Poetry posted May 3, 2016

This work has reached the exceptional level
A Mayberry contest entry

Big Bad Barn

by Mark Valentine

BRING back MAYBERRY Contest Winner 
(to the tune of "Big Bad John")

He stood five foot - eight, weighed 135;
The leanest meanest lawman alive.
Kinda narrow at the shoulder, narrow at the hip,
And crime in the bud was gonna be nipped
By Big Barn.
(chorus)     Big Barn, Big Barn,
                    Big Bad Barn.
He wore a star of silver on his chest.
His uniform was starched and pressed,
And on his hip he wore a gun:
Had six chambers, but he only used one.
Big Barn.
From whence his nickname, no-one knew,
But I suspect ‘twas Thelma Lou,
Who knew Barn in a special way,
That came up with the sobriquet
Big Barn.
                Big Barn, Big Barn,
                Real Big Barn,
Now daily life in Mayberry
Was simple. pleasant, and carefree.
There wasn’t any crime at all,
Thanks to the man the people call
Big Barn.
Then one day came a telegram,
That’s when the cow pies hit the fan.
Here’s what that wire had to say:
“Luke Compton’s out. He’s on his way
For Big Barn.”
                        Big Barn, Big Barn,
                        Big Bad Barn.
Luke Compton, so the story’s told,
Had vowed, were he to be paroled,
To exact vengeance come what may,
On he who had sent him away -
Big Barn.
‘Twas on the seventh day of June,
Luke’s train pulled in right at high noon.
And in the streets they heard him shout:
“I came back for to call you out,
Big Barn.”
Now Barney had a mind to run,
To take his badge and take his gun,
And put those things up on the shelf,
Cuz what he had was fear itself.
Big Barn.
                     Big Barn, Big Barn,
                     Big Scared Barn.
Instead he said “A man don’t quit.”
(then peed his pants a little bit)
Then headed out into the street,
A puddle forming at the feet
Of Big Barn.
                Big Barn, Big Barn,
                Big Incontinent Barn.
Luke and Barn stood yards apart,
‘Twas almost time for things to start.
On one side Crime, on one The Law,
Then suddenly, Ol’ Luke said “Draw!”
To Big Barn.
Ol’ Barney’s draw was lightning quick.
He pulled the trigger –then heard ‘click’,
“Oops” he said, just when he pulled it,
“Guess I forgot to load my bullet”.
Big Barn.
                Big Barn, Big Barn,
                Big Dumb Barn.
The other guy was not so dumb,
He fired six times, then rested some.
He reloaded his gun and then,
He fired six more times again
At Barn.
And as they watched their hero die,
Aunt Bea screamed and Opie cried,
And cursed the man who took the life

… (pause for dramatic effect) …
Of a big, small man named Barney Fife -
Big Barn.
                       Big Barn, Big Barn,
                       Big Dead Barn.


Contest Winner

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© Copyright 2018. Mark Valentine All rights reserved.
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