When things go off the charts -
like temperature and temperament -
should brimstone turn Antarctic,
these are "menopause events".

Your moods will swing quite quickly,
by degrees that greatly vary:
one nano-second - Lucifer,
the next, you're Mother Mary.

That man absorbed in football,
won't be worried about you;
instead, he'll ask for beer, because
you've "nothing else to do"!?

He'll jump ten feet, for service comes
just like a Russian missile;
(complete with jet propulsion,
somewhat lacking in a smile.)

He's shocked and so convinced
that you have surely flipped your lid.
"That nearly hit my head!" he yells.
You're wishing that it did.

The kids will side with him as well
and take to whispering:
“She needs committing - Section 8!"
(Not that you're listening.)

The family cannot deal with
all the symptoms you display;
they're mystified or terrified,
or simply run away.

And that's not all that's leaving,
for your hair is thinning out.
Added to your thickened waist,
equates to bald and stout.

(The pity of it is that you
can't transplant any hair
from either leg or armpit,
for there's plenty of it there.)

Should hubby snidely joke
about bald eagles or wide loads
he'll wish he'd shut his pie-hole
when the mercury explodes.

And what about the moustache
and the fur on chin and cheek?
You shave it, wax it, yank it...
and it's back again next week!

But wait - there's more! The night sweats -
quite as awful as they're normal.
You'll be convinced you've wet the bed,
but, no, you're "just hormonal".

And you won't sleep, for
menopause has other plans for you:
like staring at the ceiling, 
mind a-chatter, all night through...

Or counting sheep, some rabbits,
horses, camels, ducks and cows.
You're itchy, both legs twitchy
and your hands are tingling now.

This symptomatic surplus
also leaves your mind in debt.
You enter rooms for reasons
you immediately forget.

On top of that, your joints all ache,
and you feel ninety-four.
Then hubby reassures you,
you're one sexy fifty-four.

You're only FORTY-four! Is he
forgetful? Or just cheeky...?
But once you've tied him up,
it's certain, he will act more meekly...

Instead, he thinks it's time
for some excitement - silly man!
Then starts to cry, for he just saw
the cleaver in your hand...