Humor Script posted December 21, 2015

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Where There's a Will...

Scenes from a Marriage: Volume 9

by Mark Valentine

Sunday morning at the Valentine house. Mark, David, and Mary Meg have just come back from 10:00 mass. Maggie, who skipped mass, is inside, sitting on the couch, as they come in.

MARK: Father Donovan was asking about you. He hasn’t seen you in several months.

MAGGIE: You’re always running into him when you’re not with me. He probably thinks we're divorced, or that I’ve left the church.

MARK: Don’t worry, I covered for you.

MAGGIE: What did you tell him?

MARK: That you have a drinking problem and you’re always sleeping one off on Sunday mornings.

MAGGIE: You did not.

MARK: He and some parishioners might be stopping by for an intervention a little later.

MAGGIE: I would go to mass, but it takes so long and Sunday mornings are the only time I have to myself.

MARK: I understand and I’m not judging. Some of my best friends are going to be spending eternity in hell – actually most of them probably. We had a good run on earth – no need for us to spend eternity together.

MAGGIE: You seem pretty sure you’re going to the good place.

MARK: Of course – I was in the seminary.

MAGGIE: And that matters how?

MARK: Priests are fast-tracked.

MAGGIE: But you’re not a priest.

MARK: Not officially, but for all intents and purposes…

MAGGIE: How so?

MARK: I may not have taken the vows, but I’m pretty much adhering to the whole ‘poverty, celibacy, and obedience’ thing.

MAGGIE: Well, you play your cards right, and maybe we can break one of those.

MARK: Which one?

MAGGIE: Celibacy.

MARK: Not the one I was hoping for.

MAGGIE: Suit yourself. Anyway, while you were pretending to be holy, I was doing our financial aid forms. Do you know what Georgetown’s net price calculator concluded that we could afford for college?

MARK: What?

MAGGIE: $35,000/year.

MARK: Yikes! They must have mixed us up with some other family.

MAGGIE: I did it twice. I don’t know how we’re going to be able to send Mary Meg to college.

MARK: Friggin’ Jesuits. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.


MARK: If need be, I’ll resort to criminal activity to bring in some extra cash. Pull a heist, maybe do a couple of capers.

MAGGIE: Capers?

MARK: Yeah, you know capers - maybe crack a few safes, run a bunco scheme, do some second story jobs.

MAGGIE: What decade do you live in?

MARK: A decade where families go to church and college is affordable. The 1940’s maybe.

MAGGIE: Aren’t you worried that the law-breaking will mess up your fast track to heaven? You’ll have to spend eternity in hell with me?

MARK: (Under his breath): Been there. Done that.

MAGGIE: Excuse me?

MARK: Maybe we can take out a loan.

MAGGIE: We’re still paying off the last one.

MARK: I’ve got 100K in life insurance.

MAGGIE: Now you’re talking. Speaking of your death, you should really make out a will.

MARK: You just pounced on that one, didn’t you? How long have you been thinking about this?

MAGGIE: I’m just being a responsible adult.  You don’t want to die intestate, do you?

MARK: No. I don’t want to live intestate either.

MAGGIE: Do you even know what “intestate” means?

MARK: Yeah, that’s like a gelding right? When they castrate you?

MAGGIE: It’s when you don’t have a will and your estate goes to probate.

MARK: Oh, we wouldn’t want that. Speaking of probates, I need to make a doctor’s appointment. I think mine is enlarged. Been peeing like 5, 6 times a night. I should have that checked.

MAGGIE: Before you go intestate.

MARK: Exactly. What about you? Thy will be done yet?

MAGGIE: Not yet.

MARK: You should get one of those living wills.

MAGGIE: And make you the executor? I don’t think so.

MARK: Why not?

MAGGIE: You tried to tell the dentist not to resuscitate me when they put me under to do root canal.

MARK: They removed your bicuspid – what kind of quality of life would you have had? Besides, they say that a living will is the best revenge.

MAGGIE: Living WELL is the best revenge.

MARK: No, I’m pretty sure it’s a living will - You get back at all of your enemies by not leaving them anything.

MAGGIE: No, it’s living WELL – look it up.

MARK: That makes no sense.

MAGGIE: Sure it does. It shows that you’ve moved on.

MARK: So you’re saying that, even though they tried to kill his father, Michael Corleone should have just ordered a nice meal in that restaurant and gotten satisfaction from Sollozzo and McCluskey watching him eat it.

MAGGIE: I never saw The Godfather.

MARK: You never saw The Godfather?

MAGGIE: Too violent. I don’t like violent movies.

MARK: You’ve seen “Fatal Attraction” like eight times.

MAGGIE: Glenn Close is a great actress. Besides it’s not that violent.

MARK: She kills a bunny!

MAGGIE: Big deal. Besides, I thought you didn’t like bunnies and squirrels because they mess with your garden,

MARK: Don’t lump bunnies and squirrels together. Bunnies are cute, hopping, harbingers of Easter. Squirrels are neurotic little agents of Satan. Anyway, why did she have to kill the bunny – couldn’t she have just lived well? Wouldn’t that have been better revenge? That would have taught Michael Douglas a lesson he’d never forget.

MAGGIE: You’re an idiot.

MARK: When you label me, you oppress me.

MAGGIE: Where did that come from?

MARK: I saw it on a bumper sticker. The point is I’m more than just an idiot.

MAGGIE: So much more. Let’s get started on your will. You shouldn’t die without a will.

MARK: Why not, I don’t have much of a will to live – see what I did there? Like Bob Hope.

MAGGIE: Again with the 1940’s?

MARK: What? It was a great decade.

MAGGIE: Hitler.

MARK: OK- the late 1940’s.

MAGGIE: Jim Crow.

MARK: I’m not saying it was a perfect decade, but every Sunday, families ate pot roast and listened to Jack Benny.

MAGGIE: That’s your idea of heaven isn’t it?

MARK: Pretty close.

MAGGIE: Maybe I’ll be better off where I’m going.

MARK: Yeah – just keep telling yourself that when Satan is pumping the Black Eyed Peas over the loudspeaker and the only things on Hell’s TV are “Real Housewives” episodes and White Sox games.

MAGGIE: Wow –the White Sox! If you’re trying the “Scared Straight” thing, it’s working. Maybe I should start going to mass again.

MARK: Yea, verily. Repent woman, before it’s too late.

MAGGIE: I’ll see if I can squeeze it in on Wednesday after lunch.

MARK: Don’t blame me if you’re hit by a bus on Tuesday.

MAGGIE: Unless you’re driving the bus.

MARK: Don’t be silly. I don’t know how to drive a bus. Anyway, what do you know about wills?

MAGGIE: My mom use to work for an attorney. I picked up a lot from listening to her.

MARK (softly, under his breath): Too bad you didn’t listen when she talked about how to do the dishes.

MAGGIE: What was that?

MARK: Nothing.

MAGGIE: Let’s go, before you die intestate.

MARK: Oh, that reminds me, Matt and Greg and I are going out for beers after work tomorrow. I’ll be home late.

MAGGIE: Shouldn’t you check to see if it’s OK with me first?

MARK: No, tomorrow is “Bring Your Testicles to Work Day”. We decided that we don’t have to ask our wives just this once.

MAGGIE: I’m not sure I like this.

MARK: Aww, come on. All the other guys are bringing theirs.

MAGGIE: Well, just this once, but they go right back in the jar when you get home.

MARK: Yes dear. Until then though, I’m totally testate, baby!


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