Humor Script posted September 15, 2015

This work has reached the exceptional level
First in a series of mostly-true vignettes from a marriage

Scenes from A Marriage: Menopause

by Mark Valentine

(A chilly September evening in the Valentine home. Maggie sits reading in the living room. Mark enters)

MARK: Hon, you know it’s September now, and it’s supposed to get down into the forties tonight. I was thinking that maybe we could turn off the air conditioning.

MAGGIE: (Glares, but does not respond)

MARK: The kids have started wearing their coats to bed again.

MAGGIE: I’m sweating. You have no idea what’s it’s like to go through menopause. You should give thanks that you’re not a middle-aged woman

MARK: I do that every night. But back to my point about the air conditioning.

MAGGIE: Do you want me to have a heat stroke?

MARK: It’s 49 degrees in here. I’m not sure you understand how heat strokes work. Anyway, shouldn’t this menopause thing be over by now? I thought it took a couple of months.

MAGGIE: It takes years.

MARK: It’s been years. I’m pretty sure that Clinton was president when this thing started.

MAGGIE: And Clinton will be president when it ends. Besides, you took me for better or worse remember.

MARK:  (mumbling) Yeah, 'till death do us part'.

MAGGIE: Did you say something?

MARK: Nothing – They should just be a little more explicit about these things in the marriage vows – full disclosure would have been nice.

MAGGIE: Are you saying you wouldn’t have married me?

MARK: No, I just might have scheduled things a little differently. Maybe do a military tour of duty about now.

MAGGIE: You, in the military?

MARK: Why not?

MAGGIE: What branch do you think would take you?

MARK: Coast Guard.

MAGGIE: Coast Guard?

MARK: Yeah, I’d be a good fit.

MAGGIE: Do you even know what they do?

MARK: They guard the coast.

MAGGIE: How would you guard the coast?

MARK: I dunno. Walk a beat I guess.

MAGGIE: Walk a beat?

MARK: Yeah, you know along the Atlantic. Keep an eye out for the Portuguese.

MAGGIE: Because Portugal might invade us?

MARK: It could happen. They’re pretty close you know. They used to be a world power. Vasco da Gama, Magellan. It’s got to burn them that nobody thinks about them much anymore. They’ve probably been planning a comeback for a while now.

MAGGIE: Funny, I read the International section of the New York Times every Sunday. Haven’t heard too much about that.

MARK: You don’t think they’d broadcast it do you? It’s all covert.

MAGGIE: So you’re telling me that Portugal, unbeknownst to everyone but you, is making plans to invade the United States?

MARK: No, I’m telling you that they could be making plans to invade the United States, but they’re not. Do you know why not?

MAGGIE: The Coast Guard?

MARK: Absolutely right – the Coast Guard baby!

MAGGIE: I’m thinking it would be at least as cold walking a beat on the beach in the winter as it is in here. How is the Coast Guard going to help you stay warm?

MARK: Well, the thermostat setting isn’t the only downside of this whole menopause thing.

MAGGIE: Do tell.

MARK: It’s just that you can get … at times…a little bit… ya know…moody.


MARK: (Goes to the phone and dials 411) Hello information – I’d like the number to the Coast Guard recruiting office please.

MAGGIE: (hangs up the phone) You’re an idiot. If you’re really that cold, why don’t you go upstairs and get under the covers.

MARK: It’s kind of early for bed.

MAGGIE: I was thinking I might turn in myself (gives a wink).

MARK: But it’s only eight thirt… Oooh! Good night, kids. Turn off the lights before you go to bed – and be sure to wear your coats.



I was thinking of doing a series of vignettes (mostly humorous) of various stages in the life of a marriage, using (unbeknownst to my wife) our marriage as the template.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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