I never liked my father. There, I said it. Such a controversial statement. So many people who would probably ask, "What the hell?"

As a religious person, this hurts me to the bone. Of course, the Bible generally addresses both, "Love thy Father and thy Mother." Perhaps, I'm half right. I love my mother to death. My father was an egotistical, self centered,prick. I say was, because he died January, 2, 2015.

Don't get me wrong. There was never any sexual abuse. That seems to be such a subject of the day. I can say freely that was never, ever, the concern. The concern more was to live with an individual who was critical of everything that anyone in my family did. You could never do anything right. Always the adjoiner, "You should have done, blah, blah, blah."

My father only came to one of my wrestling matches in three years. It was a championship match. Long story, not worth mentioning, was I shouldn't have been competing at all. I was sick as the devil, and was only competing because the chosen wrestler was even sicker than I. My biggest concern was puking on the mat. Lost quickly, and for years, my father loved to tell the story. "You wouldn't believe how quickly Bill lost!.' He told that story in family gatherings for years.

My brother was a better than average football player. My God, how my dad bragged on him. He did very well until his junior year and was then injured. Of course, Dad then bragged about how if he had not been injured, he would have been, blah, blah, blah. My brother has not lived to expectations. Dad doesn't brag on him anymore.

Dad's health really took a turn for the worst in September of 2014. He had just decided that he couldn't walk any more. Of course, he could. You can't deteriorate in one day. On a visit, and among much arguing, I took him into the emergency room. The physician, an attractive woman told Dad what he needed to do. Much argument on I can't do this, I can;t do that, and on and on.

I grabbed Dad's hand and looked him in the eye and practically yelled, "You will do what you're told, and you'll do it when told and you'll like it. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?

His eyes blinked, and he finally said, "Yes."

We checked my dad out of the emergency room after two days. The physician winked at me and said, "I'm the DR in this situation, and you're the DA. My experience is that both are needed.

"I understand the DR, but what is the DA?"

"Oh, that's the designated ass-hole" She held my arm and smiled. "Keep it up, Bill.. Most of your family don't want to push back. They need to."

Dad hung on for another few months. He refused to go into assisted living, rather wanted to stay at home. He was killing my mom. We had arranged help during the day, but night time was covered by family. In November, it was obvious that Mom was worn out. I drove down, an eleven hour trip. The problem with Dad was that he would go to sleep at 6:00 pm and would sleep soundly until about 10:00 pm. At that point, every fifteen minutes he would need something. The normal was, "I've got to pee." That was only a reason ten percent of the time.

I told Mom, " You're worn out, go to bed downstairs so you don't hear Dad, and try and get some sleep." For two days, my job was to get up on his frequent calls. One night, at 2:30 am, he called out, "Bill, Bill, are you out there?"

Rushing in, I asked, "Dad, are you okay? What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing, Son. I just wanted to know what time it is." Dad had a wristwatch on that when you pushed a button, would tell you the time. There was a clock that projected the time on the ceiling. There was a large scale clock on his dresser.

I took a deep breath and practically yelled, "Dad, it's two-fucking thirty! Why, are you going somewhere?"

Was I embarrassed later? Well, of course, but when you're worn out, you say and do things you regret. One of my many.

The next day, my uncle came by for a visit. Dad was a retired Air Force Officer. My uncle served in the Marines in World War Two. Both had served in combat. Dad talked about B-29 bombing raids on Japan. My uncle talked about invasions of Tarawa and Okinawa.

I was blown away. Two guys I'd known all my life, both now heroes to me.

It would be a lie to say that I'm not still working on issues about my father. One thing for sure, a few months ago, I would not be able to say, "Hey, Dad, I love you.." Today, I can.







































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