Humor Non-Fiction posted December 19, 2014

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A trip into insanity

How To Bathe A Cat

by Marisa3

Before embarking upon this task, I would strongly advise those of you with cats that are not declawed to consider very carefully just how much in need your cat is of this bath. Better a dirty cat than a series of painful skin grafts. If you are determined to continue then I suggest a HAZ MAT suit, a rosary and the following steps:

1. Fill the tub full of warm water before depositing the cat.
2. Hold the cat firmly with one hand while applying shampoo with the other.
3. During the course of shampooing your cat, try ignoring the fact that it now has a look of demonic possession on its face, which is hyper-focused on you! (Cats are a lot like elephants, they never forget).
4. Pay no attention to the low guttural sounds emanating from the animal; they are nothing more than expressions of blind rage.
5. Carefully reach for the cup to rinse this creature, making sure not to release your grip or come too close to the cat's mouth, which by now is in a full snarl with needle sharp fangs exposed, and intense hissing mode. (Fortunately for us, we cannot decode the hissing sounds to actually know what they mean. But if we could, the air would be blue with expletives that would make a pirate blush).
6. After rinsing the cat thoroughly, remove it from the bath to a readied towel for drying.
7. This process is best done as swiftly as possible, preferably before the crazed feline finds a way to draw blood.
8. Finally, open the door and release the cat and don't plan on catching sight of it until sometime after Labor Day in the year 2020.

Serious contemplation should be exercised prior to taking on such a precarious task. Only consider undertaking in the direst of circumstances, e.g. when a white cat suddenly turns dark brown due to an abnormal accumulation of dust after being sucked into a category five tornado or when a cat has fallen into a vat of crude oil, rolled in a briar patch and is poised to walk across your new white carpet.

This is not a process to engage in lightly or to be conducted on a regular basis, which is actually a moot issue since once a cat has been subjected to a bath, the chances of catching it again to repeat the cycle are about as good as establishing a thriving snow cone business on the sun; on a dwarf planet maybe, but to stress absolute futility, we're talking 'sun' here.

I find that cats are much-maligned creatures, and I believe that is because they are so aloof and tend to look down their noses at us humans. As anyone who has ever had a cat will tell you, ownership is not an option. They allow us to provide them with sustenance and a clean place to live, and to dispense with their poop on a daily basis, beyond that they feel no obligation to us whatsoever. To their way of thinking they are completely self-sufficient and quite capable of engaging in their daily ablutions without our assistance. The quickest way to royally piss off a cat is to introduce it to a tub of bath water.

I say to all of you brave hearts that are fully invested in proceeding with this insane task ... "for those of you about to die I salute you". This is a slight variation on the gladiator salute, but I see it as being in the same arena (no pun intended, well sort of).

I personally would rather slow dance with a polar bear than to ever attempt to bathe a cat!

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