Satire Fiction posted May 22, 2014

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NYU Writer's Admission Test

by Spiritual Echo

The following questionnaire was developed by a panel of graduates from the NYU class of 2013. Psychiatrists, in conjunction with our English department at NYU, have validated this questionnaire. It is a mandatory requirement for the admissions process that all answers be clearly marked by circling alpha character to indicate your answer. These questions will NOT identify writing ability, but WILL identify those authors who have the greatest chance of succeeding within the NYU curriculum.

Answer each section with the statement that most closely reflects your response to the question. Do not skip any questions as this will automatically deduct points from your overall score and impact your acceptance to the NYU 2014/2015 program.  For bonus points, read all grade evaluations until you spot the subliminal message..

PLEASE NOTE: If more than one response reflects your attitude, pick the one that best describes your strongest opinion. Only one answer per question is acceptable.

What do you hope to gain from your education at NYU?

A) A solid foundation for my writing career
B) A degree and close proximity to the US artistic culture
C) Three years away from my parents
D) Education and connections
E) A marinated diploma that includes life experiences

During your first semester, you will be asked to write a story using one location as the setting for your 7,000 word assignment requiring research and factual references. Which of the following settings would your use?

A) Paris
B) London
C) Moscow
D) New York
E) Rio De Janeirio

As part of the curriculum requirements, you are required to invest fifty hours per semester providing unpaid labour to NYU. Which of the following positions would you select as your first choice?

A) Wherever the need is the greatest
B) Groundskeeper
C) Admissions and general office clerical
D) Athletic Department support staff (Must have life guard certification)
E) N/A Student agrees to purchase a $500 exemption certificate

When you sit down to write, do you:

A) Tidy your office space, ensuring that pencils are sharpened and fresh paper is at hand
B) Send agents letters of enquiry for potential new stories. If you get a hit, you'll begin the story
C) Call all your friends and tell them not to disturb you while you write Send agents letters of enquiry after calling your mother
D) Look for cut and paste opportunities in Writer's Digest's daily E-mail
E) Open the liquor cabinet and make alcohol choices based on the genre you are writing that day

If you receive an invitation to breakfast do you:

A) Run to the bakery to buy fresh pastries before going to breakfast
B) Decline, saying you never start your day before lunch
C) Accept with grace, understanding your friend can only afford eggs
D) Have a caterer deliver a tray of smoked salmon fifteen minutes before your arrival
E) Assume it's an invitation for a booty call and show up at midnight the night before.

If you were to choose a profession other than writing, which criteria would most influence your career choice?

A) The social and environmental impact on the planet
B) Benefit package--insurance, vacation time and wage package
C) Work environment, location and company mission statement
D) Job title, authority privileges, office size, uniform
E) On-site cafeteria, gym and support staff reporting to me

Finding a newspaper in a doctor's waiting room, do you:

A) Anxiously check the obituaries for names you recognize
B) Take it home as a liner for the litter box
C) Search for good-news, avoiding the front page
D) Turn to the financials and regale other patients with comments about your fictitious portfolio
E) Fill random letters in the crossword without reading the clues, leaving the paper for others to continue the puzzle

When presented with the writing prompt 'TEARS.' Do you:

A) Imagine a heartbroken lover
B) Have an urge to tell a child Santa Claus does not exist
C) Begin to sob with empathy and search for a deeper meaning to the prompt
D) Get itchy and develop hives
E) Have a manic need to shred cloth

If apples are to tree as fish is to lake, what is 'plot' best coupled with?

A) Story
B) An exclamation mark
C) An evil scheme
D) A royalty cheque
E) A cemetery

If the sentence, 'it hurts so bad,' were to be presented to you as a prompt, which of the following sources of pain would you write about:

A) A broken heart
B) Automobile accident--victim's lament
C) Back pain of hero rescuing child/kitten
D) Writer's cramp
E) A pain in the ass

Tally up your responses to each question. The alpha letter that received the majority of answers defines the type of writer you are and your potential career applications.

If you scored mostly:

A: Most likely an altruistic poet who sees beauty in the feces of bluebirds, and lines their feline's litter box with rose petals, this writer's work may be most often read in local newspapers in the Arts section, usually boldly high-lighted as 'Poetry Corner' or in church weekly bulletins.

Not usually motivated to seek broad publication or financial reward, this writer thrives on sharing their reflections with like-minded individuals and may be called upon to deliver her poetry as part of opening ceremonies at fall fairs and Christmas pageants.


B: This writer is inconsistent and may be bi-polar. Likely a Gemini with two distinct personalities, he is afraid of heights, but will sneer with derision if anyone reveals a phobia or inner doubts, while riddled with his own. His motto is often 'the best defence is an offence' and will expect others to take his writing seriously while he spends hours brooding without ever typing a word.


C: Like a method actor, this writer becomes the characters in her stories, often staying in character for hours or weeks if she is penning a novel. Her associates and family may often be surprised by distinct mood swings. Depending on the genre this writer may appear to be kind or vicious, frightening children and animals, but is often well liked by geriatrics. Her writing style see-saws with flashes of brilliance one day and absolute trash the next day, but she will justify and defend her work regardless of criticism or advise. This writer rarely publishes, but is continually involved in market research, living the moment or people-watching, she claims essential for her 'work.' An activist for all ecological causes, her work can best seen in give-away pamphlets.

FAVOURITE ACTIVITY: Power walking and marching in parades

D: This writer is often very talented, but is quite likely employed in some financial organization with a list of checks and balances that he also applies to his writing. Of all the writing types, this is the true business man in the group, always looking for angles and probabilities how best to use writing for financial gain. A writer with an analytical mind, he will often have an agent lined up before he begins writing, demands contracts and is a shrewd negotiator. He accepts his talent, but will not squander it and rarely writes for pleasure.


E: Often identified as a writer by her peers before she passed a literacy test, this writer might be considered artistic and eccentric by others when in fact she is narcissistic and self-absorbed. She has no need of any approval other than her own, yet feels entitlement to accolades and literary awards. She is often tolerated due to her charisma and outrageous behaviour, but she prefers idolatry. Unpredictable, outspoken and often rowdy, she completely accepts her talent and usually makes more money at the craft than other writing types.


F: Those writers who chose not to submit to this quiz are likely the most rational of the lot. They readily accept the questionnaire is bogus, a bored writer's diversion from whatever editing task she is currently involved with, and are not foolish enough to accept that any quiz found in a magazine or on a website has any merit.

FAVOURITE COLOUR: Whatever works for the cover of the novel
FAVOURIE ACTIVITY: Procrastination
FAVOURIT FOOD: Whatever is put in front of me



There is ABSOLUTELY NO affiliation with NYU, nor does this quiz exist anywhere. I made it up--total fiction. As noted by the genre, this is fictional satire.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Artwork by Renate-Bertodi at

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