In an effort to stave off boredom, fill in time between insomnia and responsibility, I am posting this survey in the hopes that my male buddies on site will indulge me, submit data and solve an age-old conundrum.

Single-handedly, (don't take it literally, boys) I am launching my own war amongst the sexes---now just a minute, girl. Are you implying there are more than two?

Well possibly, but get out Delores, I'm busy. I don't have time to chat with you while I'm on my soapbox.

Gentlemen, I would appreciate it if every one of you could take out a measuring tape and forward the dimensions of your penis to me. Should you decide to send photographs to substantiate your claims, they will be treated with respect and dutifully incorporated into my portfolio, right next to my last will and testimony, just for my after-life amusement.

Here's the point of my survey. Having reached the pivotal spot in my life where I generally regard my entire life as a joke, I'm trying to figure out if a penis has supernatural powers. How much can the sucker weigh? At best, I'd give it a half-pound. If I was feeling particularly generous and incredibly bored, I'd measure the girth and length and might even demand a demonstration. Forget the thrusting; I want to witness a duel with McDonalds. Who would win in the race of golden arches?

Let's assume there are some braggarts out there--cheaters and blowhards (again, boys I'm warning you...) who prefer to inflate the truth with wishful thinking. Why exactly can this pound of flesh determine my future...the way I lived...who I was and am?

I am fundamentally sick to death of listening to crap like--- 'it's man's world.' Really---you stupid broad? Hell, if a pound of flesh is all that separates you from reaching your potential then honestly, woman, as a person who has lost a ton or two on your latest diet, you probably shook hands with the guy that controls your choices a dozen times on the carrousel.

I love the blame game, but I adore self respect and not the kind that flaunts frayed underwear on a clothes line. I'm absolutely charmed by people who can sleep all night and wake up with absolutely no need to prove anything to anyone.

Men, give me your best angle. The kids will love the satire (yeah, I really am somebody's mother) from the response and I surely hope you guys know the difference.