Humor Poetry posted March 5, 2013

This work has reached the exceptional level
I don't have time for a job

Thank God I'm Unemployed!

by kiwisteveh

Them goats are full of hi jinks,
They're up to their old tricks;
They've gone and bust the fence again -
It needs another fix.

The sweet corn's lookin' nibbled
Bin a possum there no doubt.
We'll have to get it picked today;
No way to keep him out.

The lawns they all need mowin'
Though they're straggly parched and brown,
And SWMBO says food stocks are low;
We'd best shoot onto town.

The old shed's been dismantled
Just to make a chicken coop.
The bits are strewn along the fence -
Them chooks are in the soup!

The tank's run dry, I rang the guy
To see how much per tanker.
Four hundred bucks! He must be mad!
He's just a bloody ...... banker!

Those cats that both adopted us
Are yet to see the vet.
But the bathroom's nearly finished...
Well nearly .... not quite.... yet.

There's beans, tomatoes, cucumbers,
A-pilin' on the table;
We'll get them frozen and preserved
Just as soon as we are able.

And that reminds me, how the heck
Are veggies meant to grow,
When there ain't no blimmin' water?
That's what I'd like to know.

The house is half-way painted;
I'll get it done, no fear.
It's only bin six months so far...
Perhaps another year.

I'll fix the windows, spray the weeds,
Unblock the kitchen sink,
Trim the goats' hooves, bath the dogs,
So they no longer stink.

Spring clean the house. Aunt Mavis may
Come visitin' next week;
The car is due a warrant
And the steerin' needs a tweak.

We'd better spray those fruit trees there;
Their leaves are turnin' black.
The neighbour's cow's out on the road;
Let's go and drive her back,

Then chop and stack the firewood
And fix that leaky tap;
The water pump's gone on the fritz,
The front gate has a gap,

Prune the roses, dig the spuds,
Repair the back steps too
Make sure the dogs have water,
Then scrape up the chicken poo.

When I survey my list of chores
It makes me kinda dizzy.
Thank God I'm flamin' unemployed
Or I'd be really busy!


Mistakes in grammar etc are intentional.

Kiwi-isms and colloquialisms:
car is due a warrant - in NZ it is compulsory for all vehicles to undergo a six-monthly safety check known as a warrant of fitness
on the fritz = broken

SWMBO (pronounce Swimbo) = She Who Must Be Obeyed. She gave me permission to call her this "for the sake of the poem"

Try speeding up as you read this, except for the last stanza when you can pause and slow down to hit the punch line.

In case you think this is a bit long - just be thankful I only put down one tenth of my real to-do list!
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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