Family Non-Fiction posted February 28, 2012

This work has reached the exceptional level
Not the smartest tool in the shed

If I had a Hammer

by forestport12

My family knows my vices. No. I'm not talking about pliers or vice grips. I do fine with them, and I have managed to fix a few things with the multi-purpose tools. However, hand me a hammer, and you might want to clear the room and leave the driveway.

The first house we ever rented as a family had some plumbing issues, and I had a set of old tools, including a hammer. That's when the scary man voice took over in my head. "You can do this. Be the homespun hero."

The idea was simple. I offered to replace the old toilet with a new one. The Landlord swiped the sweat off his bald forehead and said, "Okay."

It looked easy enough: two rusted bolts to take off and away we go with the old. I tried the sensible tools first, but then, I asked my young and impressionable wife for the hammer. It was amazing how many porcelain cracks a couple of innocent taps can make. In addition, I also forgot to turn the water off.

A few months later, the car broke down. While I was under the car, I asked my baby girl, someone who looked like Shirley Temple, "Please tell your mother, I need the hammer."

Next thing I heard from the kitchen window was, "Oh no. Not the hammer!"

Over the years, my wife has learned to expect the worst when I have a hammer in my hand. Just the other day, I had to reassure her that if I used it on my recliner, it would be the correct tool for the job. She gave me that concerned look I've grown to appreciate. I've learned over the years that when a woman talks, they don't want the man to fix the issue, no matter how precise the tool is, unless perhaps, it is a stethoscope over her beating heart. And not to worry, I've never tried a hammer on our problems. That would leave us all in pieces. Besides, I like the cliche', "If the marriage ain't broke, don't fix it." So I just nod my head at the appropriate times and leave the tool in the box.

I never have told her how good a hammer feels in my hand. Still, I think I'd prefer to be known as a wordsmith than a blacksmith. I think?

"Honey! Where did you put my hammer?"


Thanks to S Lebredo for the redneck toolbox. How cool!
Thought I might work on my humor, the weak part of this writing adventure. Let me know what you think?
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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